


Crash

by sianii



Category: Glee
Genre: Alternative Meeting, Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-25
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2017-12-12 22:56:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 52,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/817031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sianii/pseuds/sianii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To earn enough money for his college tuition, Blaine drives a cab in the nightly streets of New York. His sleepy daze is shaken when he spots the most beautiful stranger leaving a club. Can one really fall in love with a stranger at first glance? And if so how is Blaine supposed to deal with that?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Crash

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so each and every chapter is inspired by a song by German singer/songwriter Clueso. His songs were in no way in any order or telling a multichapter story but loving the songs as I do I made them into one. I also try to translate the core message of each song that the beginning of a chapter. Not that good but I hope the point comes across.  
> This story won't be very smutty or kinky. I do hope to provide good storytelling and character development though and hope that many of you will enjoy it.
> 
>  
> 
> Who knows what you're thinking, what you do, where you is?
> 
> Closing my eyes, I tell you good night - feel my kiss
> 
> Maybe we'll never ever meet again, but I miss you, lying on my bed
> 
> Thinking of you is torturous, wishing you would leave my head

 

 

It was just another Saturday night in the streets of NYC. Blaine had been driving his cab since the late evening; now it was nearly 4 am and he was dead tired.

The streets were nearly empty, only stray party goers leaving clubs or laughing along the side walk. These were his customers most of the time. Blaine yawned, turning up the volume of his radio, singing along to some Top 40 song, hoping that that would stop him from falling asleep.

The man pulled into a parking space behind some other cabs in front of a club. He knew his way around NY by now and the people going to this club always left good tips.

Waiting for someone to enter his cab, he let his head sink onto his wheel. He just wanted some rest, just for five minutes.

He was tired. He was spent. He had taken all day working on some essays for university, then had had an interview for a gig at a club and then had hurried to be in his cab in time to drive the first round of people to their evening amusements. All in all he'd usually survive that, hadn't he been in his cab until 5 in the morning after a demanding week at university.

Being a cab driver wasn't the worst student job possible, Blaine just despised that he even had to do it, considering his filthy rich family back in Ohio. Blaine shook his head. He wouldn't allow himself a pity party over his family when he already was in a bad enough mood.

Leaning back he glanced out the front window. A group of people had just left the club. It seemed to be a group of girls. He could make out a quite short girl with brown hair and bangs, wearing a plaid skirt, a partly sheer blouse and black high heeled boots. It looked good in a weird kind of way. On her arm, laughing, was an Asian looking girl, whose clothes reminded Blaine of a 60s Factory girl. They were followed by two very good looking girls holding hands and sharing kisses. Blaine smiled at that and was about to look away again as  _he_  stepped out of the club.

The first word that entered Blaine's mind was  _beautiful_  and this man definitely was. He was taller than Blaine, at least 6 ft, his chestnut hair was styled to perfection and his clothes were tight, exposing a flawless body, lean and strong. Blaine couldn't make out too much, as the man was still mainly hidden from direct light, only the club lighting eliminating his figure, but he was surely dressed to the nines.

He moved sure of himself and graceful and Blaine could feel his heart rate speeding up as he looked at him. When he entered the light of the next street lamp, Blaine was sure that his heart went from racing to stopping to crushing in the matter of a second. His skin was glowing in the light. It was bright and creamy and it just looked so  _soft,_  Blaine wanted to leave his vehicle and approach him and  _touch_.

As the man turned towards Blaine, scanning the row of cabs, he could feel his breath hitching. High cheekbones, sharply visible trough the fair skin, gave his face something unearthly. He could have played some sort of Elven prince was the only comparison Blaine deemed worthy to his beauty.

Blaine couldn't really make out his eyes and he leaned forward to get a better view.

Just as the man got closer he turned his head focusing back on his companions again, preventing Blaine from making out the color of his eyes. He slumped back with a disappointed noise, only solaced by the remarkable and mouthwatering sight his butt provided.

The tight jeans framed his ass cheeks, like they were tailored around them and blushing embarrassedly Blaine noticed that his jaw had dropped while he was doing squeezing motions with his hands.

Blaine dropped his head hard onto the wheal just to regain some brain function, when he was distracted by the scene before him.

The man stopped and smiled suddenly and Blaine felt like fainting. He was so breath taking! He said something and all the girls turned, laughing at whatever he had said. The two girls who had been holding hands, wearing next to nothing, turned around, grabbing his hands and pecked him on both cheeks. Blaine felt an irrational twinge of jealousy at their action. He wanted to kiss this man. Kiss him senseless…

He followed the group with his eyes as they entered a cab, few slots further in the line and cursed himself for not being the first.

He still watched as their cab pulled on the street and proceeded down the road, as if he could continue watching the boy through the metal of the car.

When the car turned a corner, Blaine slouched back in his seat, wondering about what had just happened.

He had never seen somebody that beautiful and hell he had never been so intrigued by somebody he had only seen for a couple of seconds for Christ's sake but Blaine couldn't stop himself from feeling the way he felt.

He didn't know this guy. He didn't know if he was also gay or if he might ever see this guy again but his head was filled with bewilderment and pure yearning.

Blaine wondered what the man might be like, what he had done here, who his friends were and whether he came here regularly…

He wished he had just left the car, grabbed the stranger and taken him with him.

Blaine sighed. There was no use. He was tired and amazed. He needed to get home before this night got even stranger.

At home Blaine only disposed of his jacket, shoes and pants before he fell face down on his bed.

Everyone else in the flat was already asleep, so he tried to let the silence lull him into sleep only it didn't.

All the way home he had asked himself a million questions. Questions he could not possibly have answers to. Was the boy on his way home or to another party? What was he doing now? Had he even noticed this creepy cab driver eye-fucking him while planning their marriage?

Blaine sighed. It hadn't been an hour and yet the frustration seemed to eat him up from the inside!

He closed his eyes and imagined kissing the boy good night… a lazy, chaste kiss, full of love and the promise of tomorrow and forever.

He wondered if there was somebody waiting for this man to return home to, quickly banishing this thought. This idea was even worse than the possibility of never seeing him again!

Blaine tossed and turned in his bed, trying to find peace and sleep but his mind was too occupied with this guy to rest. He had no idea how it was possible but he missed him. He missed somebody he didn't even know!

Even though he had been tired all week, now that he lay here, sleep didn't come. All that was, was the man with the creamy skin and beautiful smile, haunting him and Blaine started to wish that his mind would be free to sleep.

After what felt like hours of restless thinking, Blaine fell into a state between sleeping and waking, the image of the mysterious man burned into the inside of his eyelids.

The next morning, Blaine was tired as ever. He got up to the sound of his roommates, chatting in the kitchen but the first thought was again dedicated to the man he had not really met last night.

He groaned. It was like he was possessed!

The young student entered the kitchen, greeted by his friends and roommates Wes and David and the smell of breakfast.

"Morning" Wes chimed and David smiled at him. "Feeling okay, Blainers? You really looked tired yesterday and not to be impolite but you still look pretty tired dude."

"What?" Blaine mumbled. "Oh… yeah… work… didn't sleep well." He plunged down on a chair at the counter and his friends placed a plate of breakfast in front of him after sharing a worried look.

Blaine only stared at his plate and suddenly the image of a very beautiful and very naked someone crossed his mind, splayed across his bed, asleep and so gorgeous. Suddenly he himself entered his vision, a plate of Sunday morning breakfast in hand, placing it on the night stand before kissing the man awake, being greeted by soft, wanting lips.

"Blaine? Blaihaine?!" Fingers snapping in front of his face ended the vision and he opened his eyes. "You really okay? You kind of zoomed out there…" David was still snapping his fingers but Blaine didn't really care just mumbling something about  _work_  and  _being tired_.

"Anyways." Wes concluded, giving Blaine a weird look. "We need to get going. Jeff and Nick are already gone and we promised to meet them at noon. You coming?"

Blaine stared at him for a moment before shaking his head. He still felt tired and he didn't feel like he was able to be around people when his every thought was dedicated to some random party-goer he simply couldn't forget.

"Okay. Sweet. Call us when you found your brain okay?" David said confusedly before he headed to his room to get his coat and bag. Wes cleaned up their breakfast before meeting his best friend at the door. They tried to tell Blaine good bye but the man was already lost in thoughts, paying no attention to his surroundings.

He didn't hear the door shut. Mixed with the memories of last night and the visions his mind was creating constantly was a melody. Like a theme song for the man. It was soft but somehow dark and mysterious and it made Blaine want to know more.

Blaine got up quickly, skipping to the piano in the room and started to search for the right keys to the melody in his head, his untouched breakfast forgotten on the counter. It didn't take him long to play the melody his mind had created. He was a student of music and besides that, pretty gifted and he played the melody over and over, drowning in it.

Suddenly, as if the last bit of reason in his mind had finally taken over, his eyes went wide.  _What the hell was he doing?_ He seemed to give up everything, including food, over some strange guy! He had been in love. Plenty of times so but this was different. This was unhealthy! God, had he just thought  **love**?

He felt crazy. He felt sick. But overall he just felt that he needed this guy like fucking air and there was nothing he could do. This guy might not even know of his existence but that didn't change that Blaine seriously felt like living for him and there was nothing he could do to change that. All he could do was live with it and accept it.

The whole business reminded Blaine of a car crash. You didn't see it coming. It may not even be your fault but when you were hit, you flew, you felt light until you hit the ground and everything yearned for recovery. But you couldn't turn back time or change what had happened. You could just continue living with whatever injuries you had. Blaine's injury was nothing to recover from and it was deep. In his mind, heart and soul.

He was totaled.

 


	2. Fresh Air

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heart beating way too fast
> 
> He enters, gotta keep my cool
> 
> Trying to act at ease but I just can't breath
> 
> I need fresh air

In the following week Blaine tried to come to terms with two things: 1. He might never actually meet the beautiful boy and 2. That wouldn't stop his body and mind from craving him. Constantly.

He really had gotten better at dealing with it by Friday. He had stopped randomly zooming out and when people talked to him he managed to look like he was listening while his brain created new scenarios of the man over and over again.

The week had drained him nonetheless and so his roommates and friends found it particularly easy to talk him into taking Friday night off work for a change. Blaine was even sort of eager to forget about work and worries for one evening, hoping that his friends would manage to distract him from everything his mind was busy with.

So, Blaine, David, Wes and their other two friends, Jeff and Nick sat on their very small balcony that Friday evening, talking, relaxing and enjoying each others' company. The city was buzzing beneath them, the traffic noise reaching them, but they were so used to it that it didn't disturb them.

They were laughing and had already finished bursting into old songs from their Warbler days, grinning at the ridiculous joy these a capella harmonies still brought them, when Jeff got a text.

Blaine wasn't really paying attention, chatting animatedly with David about his latest song (it was inspired by the mystery man… who would have thought?) and downing his beer as he saw his friends getting up.

"What up, guys?" He asked confusedly.

"Jeff just got a text. There's a party somewhere in Greenwich Village and we thought we might check it out." Nick complied and was already getting his jacket before Blaine could ask another question. David just shrugged and the boys followed their friends into the flat.

On the way to the party Blaine didn't bother to ask further. Whatever was happening, felt good. He felt like he could be a little carless tonight and he enjoyed being one of the people going out instead of being the one driving those around.

He was fine with having no plan as he chatted with his friends all the way, walking through the city and getting on the subway.

Half an hour later, and already quite buzzed, they reached the apartment building.

There seemed to be a lot of people, judging by the noise and mass of jackets flying around. They entered and were greeted by loud music and the heat of a room full of people.

In a matter of seconds, Blaine had lost his four friends in the crowd.

The party was vivid and Blaine had to grin at all the enthusiastically dancing people, slightly swaying with the music as he made his way through the people, inspecting the party.

He had just entered another room as he saw  _him_.

He was as beautiful as Blaine remembered, standing in a corner, surrounded by people, animatedly chatting with everyone around. Every now and then Blaine thought he could hear him laugh. A bright, high giggle that made his spin tingle and the way his lips spread into a smile was simply too much for Blaine.

The student didn't know any of the people and felt himself unable to move even just to get a better view of the attractive man. He recognized two of the girls, the Asian and the weirdly dressed one, as part of the group but he didn't  **know**  anyone.

He felt his heart drum in his chest. He was sure it was even louder than the music coming from the stereo. He tried to calm down, he tried to look indifferent but he knew he was drooling. He couldn't help himself. He couldn't stop. The man he had been thinking about for nearly a week, the man he thought he'd never see again, was standing in the same room as him and he was as gorgeous as he'd been that night!

He felt like fainting, as if his brain suddenly didn't get enough oxygen and he asked himself if he might have stopped breathing. He needed air. Fresh air. The room was too hot, too sticky and the man's presence made it impossible for Blaine to get rid of the heat inside him.

Finally he regained control of his legs, and even though every cell of his body fought against moving away from the boy he managed to get to the next balcony, leaning on the rail and finally being able to breathe again!

As soon as his brain was working again he started beating himself up over what just had happened.

"Blaine, you fucking idiot!" He mumbled to himself. "In there is the man of your dreams. The man that has controlled your every move for the past week and this might be your only chance to actually meet him and you blush and stumble and run away like a pathetic little school boy!"

He leaned his forehead against the rail and hit his head against it once, just as to emphasize his own stupidity before he straightened out and turned, determined to meet the man now.

Blaine had just reentered the room as he spotted him. He had moved and was now on the dance floor with the other two girls from Saturday night, dancing. And how he danced!

Blaine could feel himself salivating as he looked at the way his hips moved or he grinded with the girls – the way he moved gracefully but sooo sexy.

Blaine closed his eyes and turned around. "I'll talk to him after the song." He excused himself and went back to the balcony. He had been haunted by the man after seeing him for a minute. He had no idea what his brain would do with those images.

Blaine looked down on the city, trying to get his shit together. Normally he wasn't so shy. Normally the guys came to  _him_  and the less interest he showed the more they were eager to get to him but he couldn't even begin to get this guy's attention because he turned into a puddle of goo as soon as he was in the same room!

At the edge of his consciousness Blaine noticed that the song had ended and he prepared himself for making his move, turning around, as he noticed that the guy was moving towards the balcony, meaning towards him.

Blaine froze, just standing there and watching.

The man moved through the crowd with confidence, nodding at and greeting people left and right. He walked as if he owned the place, as if nothing was unfamiliar and as if nothing in the world could faze him.

A moment later he had passed him, not even looking at him, on his way to lean on the rail, like Blaine had done a moment prior.

_Move! Ask him for his name! Tell him that you love him and have creepily thought about him for 6 days in a row! Anything!_

A loud voice in his head screamed but he couldn't. Asking this boy for his name seemed to be a more difficult task than his finals at Dalton or his first audition in NY or even his coming out to his parents.

Blaine cringed. Never mind. More urgent problems right here, right now.

With all the will power he had left, he awkwardly began to move, attempting to casually lean against the rail, next to the man. He was sure to fail dramatically. Especially concerning the ''casually'' part but he was closer to the man and at least the situation couldn't be labored as creepy.

Even though he tried his best no to, he had to look at the man. So close to him he was even more breathtaking! Summoning all the courage he had to finally speak he opened his mouth as the man beat him to it.

"Like what you see?" Blaine freaked out on the inside while his outside froze. He had been noticed. He had been detected and the guy knew how creepy he was. There was no point; he'd go to prison for mentally sexually harassing this guy and finally his father would be right about how disgusting and wrong he was.

But then the man turned his head and every thought in Blaine's head just died. He was smirking at Blaine, his eyes and oh wow his eyes, an indescribable mix of color somewhere between grey, blue and green and they were glistening, his pupils slightly dilated.

"I... I am… I wasn't… you…" Blaine closed his eyes.  _Smooth Anderson. Really smooth. Think about what you want to say before opening your stupid mouth!_

As he heard a quiet chuckle and felt two hands on him, pushing him before he felt something solid in this back, he opened them again.

The man had pushed him against the wall next to the door, his weight leaning on both of his hands, right and left of Blaine's face. And he was close.  _So close_. And laughing. Laughing at Blaine. But Blaine couldn't mind because he was so close and these eyes were looking him up and down and then boring into his.

"It's okay though." The man said, his voice a lot lower now. "I see everything and you have been fixed on me since you came here." The man smiled as Blaine felt himself blush and his breath hitched.

The man inched closer, his breath ghosting over his right ear and Blaine had to close his eyes and bite down on his lip hard to stop from whimpering because of the sensation.

"But I don't mind cute guys like you staring at me, you know?" The man whispered into Blaine's ear, emphasizing his words by lightly nibbling on Blaine's ear lobe and Blaine couldn't take it. He moaned low and deep in his throat.

The man chuckled. "Mhh I think I like you…"

"Bl-Blaine. I'm Blaine.'' Blaine managed to gasp before another lick around his ear shell let him moan again.

"Mhh  _Blaine_ , I think I like the noises you make. You could be fun."

Without a warning the other man pressed himself flush against Blaine, his hands tangling in his hair and scratching at his skull and then his lips where on Blaine's.

The man's lips were soft but demanding, dominating Blaine's every movement. Blaine whimpered. It felt so good, better than any fantasy, to have this man pressing him into the wall. He bit down on his lower lip and Blaine gasped in surprise and arousal as a sudden thrill shot through his body. His lips parted slightly as he whimpered and immediately he felt the hotness of a tongue licking into his mouth.

Their tongues met as the other man deepened the kiss. Blaine started to feel light headed from the lack of oxygen but he didn't want to stop for anything in the world.

He felt the other man spreading his legs and then felt something hard grinding against his hip. Blaine moaned. Everything was too much and yet not enough. The tightness of his own jeans was becoming unbearable as his cock strained against the fabric, the other man giving him no possibility for friction.

Desperate for contact, his arms acted on their own accord, circling around the other man to hold him closer.

Just as Blaine did that the other man broke away.

"Whoooha… Blair, who allowed you to do  _that_?" With a fast and strong move, the man grabbed Blaine's hands and held them above his head against the wall. The sudden movement startled and confused Blaine even more than anything that had just happened… and wait. Had the man just called him  _Blair_?

Their bodies were still flush against each other and the other man's face was just centimeters from Blaine's. Blaine could still feel the other man's erection against his hip.

He was whispering again, his pupils more dilated than before.

"Tell you what, Blair. You are at the sl tomorrow night at 11 and I might be so kind to show you what a good night of fun is. The name is Kurt. Don't dare to forget." He gave him a stern look, destroyed a little as he was nuzzling Blaine's cheek. "Until then I'll make sure you won't forget me…" He smirked before diving in for another kiss, controlling it completely, taking what he wanted from Blaine, pressing him even further into the wall, but keeping their hips apart this time.

As Kurt broke away, Blaine was panting. He felt dizzy and confused.

"Well then, I have to visit some other parties tonight. Tight schedule. People to…" He glanced at Blaine's lips. ''… meet." He smirked before pecking Blaine on the lips one last time.

Then Kurt turned and left the balcony without a second glance.

Blaine drifted to the floor, flexing and inspecting his wrists. They hurt and he could exactly see where Kurt had held him. "My name is Blaine," he muttered under his breath.

He was disturbed. This man was different from his vision in so many ways. This man didn't seem like someone who'd wait to get Sunday morning breakfast or who'd listen to a written song with tear filled eyes. He didn't seem like someone who'd want to marry and definitely not someone like Blaine.

"Though he called me cute." Blaine debated.

On the other hand: what kind of person just forced himself onto someone else like that… though Blaine had to admit that he had not made the slightest move to stop Kurt.

He didn't know this man at all even though he had dominated his mind for so many days.

Besides, this possessive, bossy man wasn't the type of man he usually fell for but there was something to this that made him curious.

Not his attitude or the way he had made him moan and whimper but his eyes. These eyes had been such a contrast to everything else. They seemed so deep and meaningful that Blaine was sure that there had to be a story to this guy and his way of life.

And even if there wasn't, Blaine knew there was no need for a discussion. He'd go to this club tomorrow night, hoping that Kurt would show up.

He had been possessed by the man for a week and the five minutes on the balcony had only lead to him being more fixed on him than ever.


	3. No matter where

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But doesn't matter in the end
> 
> because when the party is wild
> 
> I am it's main attraction

The music was loud in the cab, as Kurt and his girls made their way to one of their favorite clubs. Santana had flirted with the driver so he would switch the station and turn up the volume and now they were all singing along to _Last Friday Night_ while passing along two bottles of sparkling wine.

They got out at the SL, Tina paying, while Brit and Santana kissed the driver's cheeks before literally jumping to the bouncer. Kurt was just about to enter the club with his friends, ignoring the long line of waiting people, as he heard somebody calling for him.

As he turned, he spotted the man he had kissed at the party last night. Damn. He had nearly forgotten about him though now that he saw him in the light of the club he had no idea how he could have. He was smoking! A little too short for his liking but nicely built as he could see through the nice fitting polo and tight slacks. His eyes had an intruding color of hazel, nearly amber in some places and his hair looked soft, neatly styled back with product. He was wearing a bowtie though what was indeed questionable for clubbing.

But what was his name again? Something with a B?

"Blair? Pleasure to see you." Kurt pulled him by the hand and gave him a small peck on the lips, hoping to cover that he had forgotten about inviting the guy. Not that he wasn't memorable. He totally was and the kiss they had shared and the noises this man had made had been the reasons for even inviting him but hey, Kurt was a busy guy and normally he just didn't tend to bother remembering with whom he had made out.

"It's Blaine, actually…" the man said in a small voice, sounding unsure, as he focused on the seemingly very interesting pavement. Kurt bit his lip. _Fuck_.

There was an awkward moment of silence before Kurt heard Santana shouting for him and he had never been so happy to hear her snarling at him.

"What up, lady pants? You want to freeze out there or get hot and sweaty in here? Your choice boy but that won't get you some ass tonight so move it!" he looked to see her smirking at him while the other girls snickered.

"Well then, _Blaine_ let me show you what I promised." he winked at the other man and pulled him towards the door. Blaine looked surprised as Kurt first greeted the bouncer who even opened the door for them and then even more so as they handed their coats to the wardrobe lady, whom he greeted with a small kiss. She asked who his date was and Kurt made a comment about that she knew how much he liked to pick up stray puppies in New York. They both laughed and Kurt's grin got even bigger as he noticed that Blaine had blushed slightly.

They hadn't paid to get in, Kurt never did and neither had they have to pay for their coats. Blaine's confusion was delicious and Kurt chuckled at the view. He took the other man's hand and moved towards the bar. Kurt leaned against it, Blaine standing awkwardly beside him but Kurt decided to just behave like he usually did and let the man catch on, if he could.

He caught the eye of the bar man and rose an eyebrow and a moment later he had 6 shots in front of him. He moved three of them in front of Blaine and nodded at him, smiling. Blaine looked uncertain but after Kurt had already downed his second one with a light cough, he took them.

Kurt could already feel the light buzz of the alcohol loosening him up. He felt light and even more invincible than before. Next to him, Blaine too had drunk all three shots, choking a little on the last one. Kurt only ever ordered the good stuff, meaning the strong one. He smirked, leaning in and licked a little bit of alcohol from Blaine's lower lip whispering " _Good boy_ " before pushing Blaine towards the dance floor.

He looked for his friends, immediately seeing them in the middle, dancing ecstatically. The music was loud, the bass strong. He felt it vibrating in his body. It was the feeling of the night. The feeling of joy and freedom. The lights were flashing, staccato, making everything look sharp and vital.

Kurt loved the atmosphere. The people dancing, moving, becoming one with the music and he was the king of it all.

He moved through the crowd and as people recognized him in the light, they cheered and waved at him, parting so he could move easily.

He snickered. " _I'm like Moses_ ,'' he thought as he reached his friends: " _Parting party people like the fucking red sea_."

A small circle had formed around the girl group, as it always did, giving them enough space to move, while everyone else was watching.

Brittany and Santana were putting on a show, nearly crossing the line to soft porn, while Tina and Rachel were spinning each other around gracefully and sexily.

He had just reached them and turned around to grab his dance partner, as he noticed that Blaine had stopped at the edge of the circle. The man stood there, still looking quite stunned by the events and Kurt felt that his patience was wearing thin. He wanted to have fun and Blaine was making things difficult. He didn't like difficult on a Saturday night!

He moved over to where Blaine was standing, his hips swaying with the music and on his face a smile that purred _I'm so glad you came_ or as Santana had once called it _I'm so sure you'll come_.

Whatever, Kurt knew it was effective and so he wasn't surprised that Blaine didn't hesitate to take his hand and let himself be pulled close to Kurt to the middle of the dance floor.

And then something happened that Kurt hadn't expected. Instead of letting himself be pulled in, Blaine tugged at his hand and suddenly Kurt found himself in Blaine's arms. It was so sudden that Kurt felt like stumbling but there were strong arms keeping him up and holding him close. He was centimeters from Blaine's face, their bodies flush against each other. He saw the sparkle in the amber eyes, a sparkle that looked like amusement. Something told him that he shouldn't like that sort of look directed at him but all he could think of where those lips, so kissable, so close to him and the ghost of a breath on his face.

But then the moment was over. The arms left him, hands grabbing hands and he was spun around with the beat, twirling and then again close, hips moving against his own and hands holding him at his waist. Automatically his arms slung around the other man's neck. He could hear a chuckle from the other man close to his ear, quiet, hardly noticeable with the loud music around them.

They moved together, as if they were glued to one another, hips and hands, becoming one. He could hear cat calls in the background but he didn't know if they were directed at them or at the girls. He didn't care. Everything was _Blaine_. His body against him, strong and confident, his scent, raspberry hair gel and cologne, clouding up his mind.

Kurt was confused, light-headed. The other man was leading him. He never let somebody just _lead_ him. Kurt was in charge. Here. In the club. That was his place. His home. Here _he_ decided what would go down. Here Kurt was in charge.

But not tonight and it just felt too good to fight it. The alcohol was clouding up his mind and every touch felt _more_. He let his head fall back, laughing, enjoying the feeling of lightness and closeness, as he felt lips on his neck. The laughing died in his throat as a soft moan escaped it.

Blaine's lips were soft on his skin and as he caressed it, Kurt felt his spin tingle. Blaine began to suck, just below his pulse point, and as Kurt felt Blaine's teeth lightly biting down, he gasped, digging his nails into Blaine's broad shoulders. He was sure that Blaine was leaving a mark, and normally he would have shoved anyone attempting that away but it just felt way too awesome.

Except… all of a sudden he was pulled up and Blaine around him was gone.

The other man had stepped back. Blaine was standing a couple feet away, a wide grin on his face and his hand pointing upwards. Kurt stared back questioningly, still breathing a little heavily. He had quite enjoyed himself there and didn't see a reason for this interruption until Blaine started to dance again and it was all silly seventies hand movements and way too much, way too appealing hip shaking and then Kurt got it. The music had changed to some disco remix, too upbeat for the way they had been dancing.

Blaine was dancing, joy radiating from his body, never still, never pausing, moving with the music and it was just hot. Kurt couldn't look away or care that he was just standing there, staring.

Still, he wasn't the only one who had noticed that Blaine had some moves. Brittany was moving over, and began to match Blaine's movements. It was a perfect fit. Kurt could rather see than hear them laughing. They matched their movements without even a word to do so and it was just fun to watch.

Santana had caught on _her_ girl's change of partner, but instead of ripping Blaine's throat out like Kurt had expected she just shimmied between them and Blaine started to twirl both of the girls around.

Kurt had never believed Disco to be sexy but _this_. It was unbelievable how Blaine managed to balance his dorky hand motions with the sensual movement of his hips and how the whole picture turned out to be so extremely appealing.

They were moving together, the girls touching Blaine. His arms, his chest, his hips and (in Santana's case) his ass and Kurt knew that _he_ wanted to be the one to touch there and more.

Before he could let his mind get carried away, he found himself between Tina and Rachel, dancing and he was grateful for that. One Kurt Hummel never just _stood_ on the dance floor and he had no idea how long he had broken that rule and who had noticed.

Still, he couldn't just fall back into the rhythm, despite his foggy mind. He glanced at Blaine every other second. The song didn't seem to end and when it did, the DJ continued with a fast Roxy music remix that left him dancing where he was.

From where he was standing he could see people watching them, but today he didn't pull focus but Blaine did. Guys and girls, straight and gay were cheering them on, eye-fucking him or the girls and Kurt didn't know if he disliked that because he missed the attention or because Blaine was _his_ to fuck for the night. He had brought him here and the club, the night and Blaine were his.

It was close to two am when Kurt was seriously debating just to grab Blaine and ravish him in the men's restroom. They had danced nonstop for over two hours now. He was thirsty and drained, tired from the dancing but other parts of his body, namely his cock and the part of his brain responsible for desire, were hungry and aching for a completely different reason.

Blaine showed no sign of tiredness. He was still dancing lively with Brit and Santana, smiling and laughing and these hips moving with force, his steps never missing a beat.

Kurt was about to pull Blaine towards the bar and then into a dark corner as the cheering around him reached a new level and he knew what was about to happen. He smirked. Blaine wouldn't believe his eyes.

The music got quieter and an extended intro started and as Brit and Santana left Blaine to take positions at the brink of their circle Blaine looked thoroughly confused.

A staff member approached the group smiling and handing them headsets and attaching them to their clothes. The crowd was cheering louder and louder with every passing moment and Blaine looked at them. He had stopped dancing and was now just taking in the new situation.

Kurt went over to him snickering, marveling in his confusion. He put his hand flat on Blaine's chest and made him retreat to the crowd. Blaine's eyes had gotten wide at Kurt's action and Kurt had to giggle again. It seemed that the man didn't seem as confident as he wanted him to believe.

"Watch and learn, honey." Kurt whispered into Blaine's ear, before giving him a quick teasing kiss. He went back to the middle of the circle, taking position.

Rachel, who had replaced Mercedes in this show long ago, and Tina were standing in line with him, facing him at the brink of the circle, Santana, way hotter and way more talented than Lauren, and Brittany were behind them.

The intro was nearing its end and Kurt closed his eyes for a moment before searching Blaine's and winking and then it started.

_It doesn't matter if you love him_

_Or capital H-I-M_

_Just put your paws up_

_'Cause you were born this way, baby_

They started their choreography, learned so many years ago, together, young in some faraway place called Lima, Ohio. Many things had happened since then, people who had been there had disappeared from their side and they too had changed. They weren't these kids anymore. They were adults. Still young but their youth wasn't one of inexperience anymore. They ruled this place. This was their place and everyone around them loved them.

Their show had changed with them; the message still the same. _I love myself for who I am and I will never apologize for being me_. But they had edited it. _I love myself for who I am now watch me because I am everything you want to be_. And it was true in here. Kurt felt it with the adoring and amazed looks they earned, no matter how often people had seen it.

The movements had remained the same. Mostly. He had always felt sort of sexy doing this song but today it was _meant_ to be so and yes, Santana and Brittany had perfected it to achieve that.

Kurt knew how to move his hips to get the best effect, how his voice had matured in the past years so that it was only a sly purr in some places, making everyone think of him in a way he had deemed impossible in high school.

His claves, clad in knee high boots, were moving sensually as they continued and over and over again he searched for Blaine's gaze in the crowd, smiling when he caught it.

Blaine was positively drooling over him, following his every move with his eyes.

When Rachel reached the line _A different lover is not a sin_ Kurt winked at Blaine and nearly had to laugh as he caught Blaine's throat working hard when he swallowed.

From there on Kurt just let himself be carried away by the music, sure of himself and his effect on the crowd and Blaine.

As always the song ended with Rachel and Tina belting out some notes and Kurt, Santana and Brittany twirling around them, working their hips and arms in a very suggestive manner.

They ended on the last note and for a moment all the lights in the club went out.

Cheers and applause broke out but in this very moment Kurt didn't care, quickly deposing of his mic and handing it Rachel without another glance.

The lights had just come on again and the DJ put on a new record when Kurt reached Blaine, not missing a beat and kissing him fiercely, tongue coaxing Blaine's mouth open, while his hands grabbed the hair at the back of his neck, thoroughly messing up its neat style.

Kurt could feel the small moans vibrating around their tongues and pulled at Blaine's hair, tilting his head so that he could kiss him even deeper.

Blaine's hand came to rest on his hips and every alarm bell in Kurt's system rang. Still he couldn't find it in him to restrict this man like he did with the others, strictly taking, not giving. On the contrary he wanted to be held close by Blaine, not only to press but be pressed against him and so he moved further in, until there was not a gush of air between them and finally Blaine encircled his waist.

Blaine started to kiss back, letting Kurt dominate what was happening but answering eagerly to everything that was offered. Blaine's arms were strong, a supporting weight around him, which he needed as Blaine began sucking on his tongue.

Kurt felt hot. A different heat from the one caused by the sweating bodies. A heat way deeper and more urgent, making his blood boil.

He had planned to draw it out. Had planned to get drinks and tease and get Blaine worked up, maybe even get to know him a little but his body sang a different tune.

With a reluctant growl he pulled back and whispered against Blaine's ear " _Take me home, Blaine."_

Blaine moaned softly, arms tightening around Kurt and then Kurt was pulled away by Blaine, a firm hand guiding him towards the entrance without another glance at his friends.

Kurt could barely get Blaine to stop, to get his coats before they stormed out and into the next cab, Blaine practically in his lab, the moment he had been done telling the driver his address.

Not that Kurt complained, as Blaine ducked his head down to press sucking kisses to his throat, as they made their way to a far more private place.


	4. Don't want to leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> neither of us is in love 
> 
> eyes sparkling, not full of hearts but satisfaction
> 
> and still I don't want to leave
> 
> too nice just to be held in someone's arms

The drive wasn't too long, just light traffic where the streets of New York where usually stuffed with cars.

Blaine stayed in his lap the whole time, pressing close and working on Kurt's neck. Kurt had tightened his arms around the other man, keeping him from moving too much with the motion of the car, enjoying the weight on top of him.

When they reached Blaine's building they nearly fell out of the car, as Blaine refused to lose his hands and lips on Kurt for just one second.

But something changed on the way up the stairs to Blaine's apartment. Kurt could practically physically feel it. Blaine took a long moment to open his door, fumbling with his keys nervously before succeeding in opening the door.

He held it open for Kurt and with a small smile and wide eyes he motioned for Kurt to enter.

The main room of the flat was big, with stone walls and big windows, a door leading to a balcony. There was a kitchen on one side with a counter and a couple of mismatching barstools.

There was a piano in the corner and Kurt wondered fleetingly if Blaine played. Besides that there were a lot of cupboards with books, a large TV and different gaming stations and a huge, very comfortable looking couch with cushions.

The walls were lined with posters of bands and movies, photographs and even two or three paintings which, even though surely not worth millions, were obviously not bought at the next street corner.

It looked sort of high class second hand and even though it looked very boyish and certainly like the home of a student, it stuck to a color theme and spoke of the hands of someone who knew how to fit a room together, something that Kurt could appreciate.

He looked back at Blaine, who was nervously chewing his lip, like he was awaiting a judgment and it occurred to Kurt that he indeed was.

"It looks really nice, Blaine. Sort of cozy student chic?"

Blaine chuckled at that.

"I am living here with two friends from high school, which both study in New York as well. We share and well they are sort of rich so they could afford something way better and their rooms are sort of only  _chic_ … but I didn't want them to pay for me. I get by and they understood so we kept our living-room/kitchen in my budget as well."

He flushed lightly when admitting not being as wealthy as his roommates but Kurt just smiled back. He was the son of a self-made shop-owner, a working class-child. Providing your own education wasn't foreign to Kurt, rather something he could admire.

"You should have seen the place I moved in when coming to New York with Rachel all the way down in Bushwick." He laughed and Blaine smiled at him adoringly… too adoringly, reminding Kurt suddenly of the cause he had really been on.

Quickly he moved in, crowding Blaine's personal space and moving him back against the counter. He placed his hands on the counter of both Blaine's sides. His voice dropped when he spoke again.

"Well then, Blaine. Why don't you show me how nicely you did by decorating your room?"

It was just a whisper, a gush of hot air against Blaine's ear. Blaine shivered and Kurt smirked.

A moment later, strong hands were framing his face as Blaine lightly nibbled at his bottom lip, swiping over it with his tongue to smooth the reddened skin. Kurt opened his mouth slightly, inviting Blaine in and as soon as he felt his tongue moving along his the heat and urgency of the cab ride returned.

With a growl Kurt grabbed Blaine's thighs and lifted him on the counter. Blaine's breath hitched in surprise but he only slung his legs around Kurt's waist and his arms around his shoulders, pressing him in close, seemingly unable to let Kurt's lips slip from his as he continued to kiss him feverishly.

Blaine whimpered and moaned into his mouth as Kurt started to suck on his tongue and all the pretty sounds went straight to Kurt's steadily growing erection. The tightness of his pants was becoming unbearable!

Experimentally, he pressed in closer, rubbing his clothed cock against Blaine's crotch. Instantly Blaine pushed back, his body shuddering, as he dug his heels into Kurt's back to pull him in closer.

It was too much and absolutely not enough.

Reluctantly Kurt pulled back. He noticed how Blaine chased his lips, eyes still closed and his eyelashes creating long shadows over his cheeks. He was beautiful!

"Bedroom. Now." Kurt rasped his chest suddenly very tight while his cheeks got even hotter at the sight in front of him.

"Second door. Left." Blaine sounded breathless, his eyes still closed and a smile on his lips as his chest heaved heavily with ragged breaths.

Kurt quickly untangled Blaine from around him, leading him into the bedroom, not even looking around before pushing Blaine onto the bed.

He quickly pulled off Blaine's shoes, snickering as he saw that Blaine wasn't wearing socks, before exposing of his own boots and socks.

He straddled Blaine's lap, gazing down for a moment at the man that was his for the night and grinned happily. Blaine's hair was loosening from his gel cage, softly curling at the edges and it looked so soft that Kurt just wanted to bury his hands in it. His strong chest was heaving, while the muscles under the tanned skin of his arms were flexing like he couldn't decide if he should just pull Kurt down or wait for him to make a move. Blaine's pupils were blown but around the black of the iris a golden shine of the iris was still glowing. He looked perfectly debauched and as Kurt's gaze went south he grinned wider, noticing the promising bulge in Blaine's tight slacks.

Quickly Kurt pulled off his grey tee, exposing flawless milky skin to Blaine's adoring eyes. Kurt had learned long ago that his fabulous look of many layers and shirts was as unfunctional for clubbing and setting out to get laid as were his knee high boots, so he normally opted for something simple, which was easy to dispose of on nights like this. Only his skin tight jeans, this pair of flaming red, wasn't something he could compromise on.

Blaine's eyes were flickering, taking in the naked skin, roaming up and down, only stopping for a second on his nipples, his hands twitching, clearly indicating what they really would rather be doing.

Slowly Kurt leaned down, placing one elbow right next to Blaine's head while the other lightly graced the fabric of his bow tie.

"You know, Blaine ,this bowtie really does not make sense to me at all." Kurt whispered into Blaine's ear, while lightly tugging at the bow.

"You look oh so preppy in it and then you move and dance and smile and you're just teasing Blaine, working me up with how hot you are." Kurt bit lightly into Blaine's earlobe as he untied the knot and Blaine gasped, his hips jerking lightly.

"And then you kiss me, Blaine and you get all hard for me because I know you are…" As to prove his point Kurt moved his hand south from the bow tie and cupped Blaine's erection but providing nearly no relief at all as Blaine started to press against him. A desperate whimper escaped his lips and Kurt only continued to nibble at his earlobe, occasionally dipping into his ear.

"It makes me wonder Blaine" he was practically purring by now, his hand still stroking Blaine, "about how dapper you will be when I ride you, your nice cock buried deep inside me. Will you still be so dapper by then or will you just take what I give you, moaning my name?"

"Anything you want." Blaine rasped, his voice thick with lust.

"Mhh… I think you really want to touch me don't you?" Blaine's hands were clutching the sheets, his breath ragged while his hips were still searching for friction against Kurt's palm but he still managed to nod jerkily.

"Then do it, Blaine."

In an instant Blaine's hands were roaming Kurt's back, scratching, exploring and leaving goose bumps in their wake.

Kurt shuddered, his hand moving up lightly to finally unbutton Blaine's pants, his lips sucking and biting the skin of Blaine's now open collar.

Blaine's hand wandered south, leaving his lower back before cupping his ass and squeezing hard, eliciting a deep moan from Kurt, muffled against the skin of Blaine's neck.

And then, something changed. Kurt couldn't exactly say what and why but suddenly strong hands on his hips flipped him over and soft lips attacked any patch of skin they could find.

Blaine kissed and sucked at his stomach, moving up, swirling his tongue around one nipple while his hand tweaked the other. Kurt gasped, eyes closing as his hands shot up to bury themselves in Blaine's hair, trying to keep his mouth close to his skin.

Blaine sucked and bit all over his chest, stopping just a moment to lean back, pulling his polo off to cover Kurt's naked chest with his own, while he rested between Kurt's thighs. A small voice in Kurt's head screamed at him to regain control! That it was his,Kurt's, to take and that he shouldn't like Blaine leading the way.

But he did. Blaine on him, invading his senses was heavenly and he whimpered and moaned with every new lick, with every new caress of Blaine's hands over his stomach and with every new grazing of teeth at sensitive skin. He was hot. He was sweating and for the first time in forever he was just letting go, enjoying without thinking.

Not thinking about hickeys or how to best sneak out in the morning. Not about his job or life outside these four walls.

He just accepted what Blaine gave him, floating on the steadily building pleasure in his belly.

Blaine was back at working over his nipple, nibbling biting and then soothing the peaked nub in an endless circle. Kurt felt overloaded, every motion creating new sensations. Blaine went on until Kurt felt unable to even moan or whimper anymore, his hips jerking with every slide of Blaine's tongue, rewarded with the friction of Blaine's clothed cock against his.

"Please Blaine. Please. I need you." His own voice sounded unfamiliar in his own ears but the growl that greeted him vibrated around his nipple and made him arch of the bed.

"What do you need, baby?" Blaine stopped, his warm breath ghosting over Kurt's abused nipple, making him shudder again.

"Need you to fuck me. Please, Blaine." Kurt Hummel was begging and he didn't care. He just needed to feel Blaine.

With a moan Blaine attached his lips to Kurt's again, cutting of another moan as he started to work Kurt's jeans open.

He tried to tug them off but the tight material was practically glued to Kurt's skin and with an annoyed huff he pulled back, leaving Kurt's lips tingling.

It was a difficult task but he worked quickly to get off both their pants and finally skin met skin everywhere, their naked cocks rubbing, precome mixing as Blaine pulled Kurt close again.

"You feel so good, Kurt. So beautiful." Blaine mumbled against Kurt's lips but Kurt was beyond responding, reveling in the relief that the friction of their cocks gave as they began moving together. He was positively throbbing by now, being turned on and teased for what felt like hours, his erection so neglected while Blaine had played every other part of his body like an instrument.

All he could do was whine and spread his legs wider in hope that Blaine would understand without more unnecessary talking.

Luckily, Blaine did and his hand left Kurt for a moment only to drop lube and a condom on the bed.

Eagerly Kurt bent his legs, planting his feet apart on the mattress to give Blaine a better angle as he slicked his fingers up with the liquid.

Blaine moved his finger to Kurt's hole quickly, lightly massaging it, while his mouth found Kurt's lips again, nibbling and sucking at them.  
Kurt felt up everywhere, his eyes scrunching in anticipation as Blaine dipped just the tip of his index finger in his ass.

It wasn't enough. It was too slow and Kurt couldn't take the teasing anymore, his hips moving down, trying to take more of Blaine's finger.

It seemed like Blaine was finally done teasing because as soon as Kurt moved down, he met him with his finger, sinking all the way in, in one smooth motion.

Kurt was tight, his inner walls clenching around the digit but taking it eagerly. Kurt always thought that the first was the best. The first intrusion, a promise of more, filling, but just a fleeting sensation and the anticipation of what was to come.

Blaine moved his finger quickly in and out of him, one hand on Kurt's hip controlling his movement as he tried to push down more. Blaine's breath was a faint gush of air against his ear as he murmured praise and compliments against it but all Kurt really concentrated on was the feeling of the finger moving inside him.

"More" he pleaded after a moment and Blaine was quick to comply, putting two fingers tightly together before pressing in again.

Kurt sighed happily and Blaine started sucking on his right nipple, distracting Kurt from the wider stretch, as he began to move his fingers again, not missing a beat before steadily scissoring Kurt.

Kurt couldn't remember the last time sex had felt so good. When he hadn't felt the urge to just get off and then be gone. This was different. Every touch of Blaine set fire to him and even though he was aching with lust and the need to come he enjoyed the slow and languid pace Blaine set for them.

The next finger came without warning, just slipping in with the other two and Kurt cried out in pleasure at the sudden stretch. Blaine was moving faster and Kurt could hear that his breath was coming out more ragged than before.

Another thrust and Kurt thought he could see stars as pleasure erupted in him, washing over him and making his fingers and toes tingle.

"There, Blaine. Please." He moaned loudly as Blaine rubbed his pleasure spot over and over again.

By now Kurt was just a shaking mess, the ever new waves of pleasure rolling over him, cutting off every coherent thought beyond  _need Blaine now._ His cock was flushed hard on his lower abdomen and he ached for Blaine to finally take him into his hand. Even more he wanted to take Blaine, with his hand and then with his hole, engulfing him and feeling him everywhere.

Just the thought nearly pushed him over the edge. With a heavy hand he grabbed Blaine's arm, stopping his fingers inside him and hadn't he been so lust driven he might have seen a glimpse of insecurity in Blaine's eyes at the action.

"Now." Kurt rasped, searching for the condom on the bed. Blaine beat him to it. He quickly rolled the latex over his erection and slicking himself up, before he glided back between Kurt's legs.

Blaine carefully bent Kurt's legs back, exposing his hole further as Kurt's thighs came to rest on his chest.

Kurt could feel the slight nudge of Blaine's cock against his hole, biting his lip in anticipation.

The stretch was heavenly. Kurt threw his head back as Blaine pressed into him, opening him up even further. He went slowly but in the position Kurt was in, Blaine lying on top of him, Kurt's ankles crossed behind Blaine's head, Kurt was in no position to go faster.

When Blaine was all the way in he stopped, his face a mask of pure bliss, eyes closed in concentration.

"Blaine." Kurt whimpered, pleadingly. Blaine looked at him, bending further down and Blaine's cock inside him moving even deeper, their lips nearly touching.

"You're so perfect, Kurt. So perfect around me. So tight." And with that Blaine began to move.

Kurt gasped as Blaine pulled nearly all the way out only to fuck back into him. He didn't slow down, his hips moving steadily and hard into Kurt, leaning down and kissing the remaining breath out of him. Kurt moaned into Blaine's mouth as he could feel himself approaching his orgasm.

Blaine was filling him up completely, stimulating his prostate with every hard thrust into him. Blaine's weight held him down as he was literally fucked into the mattress, the bed moving with them.

He tangled his hands into Blaine's sweaty curls, holding him there and kissing back as hard as he could.

It didn't take long from there. Both men had been so worked up and soon Blaine broke away from their kiss, as his body shuddered and his thrusts became erratic.

Kurt could thought he could  _feel_  Blaine pulsating inside him when he came, working his hips through his orgasm. It was like the heat from Blaine coming inside him spread through his whole body, escalating when Blaine bit into his shoulder to muffle his moans and with a cry Kurt came too, nearly untouched.

He might have fainted, because when he opened his eyes again, his breathing was already evening out. His stomach felt a little damp but no cum was covering it, so he must have been cleaned up already.

There was a noise at the bedroom door and a curse before Blaine tried to sneak in, freezing when he saw that Kurt's eyes were open.

"I-I… thought you were sleeping." He whispered, like he still tried to not wake Kurt up.

Kurt just shook his head. He didn't know what to say. Was it about time to leave? Get a cap and then never see Blaine again? It was so cozy here in this bed but now that his need was satisfied…

There was still something in Blaine's eyes. They were glowing, bright and happy, despite his nervous (and still very naked) fidgeting. Kurt couldn't place it, concluding that he must wear a similar content look, considering his mind blowing orgasm.

"Do you maybe just want to stay? It's already really late and I don't want to… kick you out?" Blaine offered, moving closer to the bed.

Kurt considered it and nodded. He was way too tired and boneless to move, the warmth and content he felt already lulling him in.

Blaine sighed happily beside him, as he climbed into the bed and slipped under the covers beside Kurt. He lay perfectly still for a moment before tentatively moving in closer and snuggling into Kurt's side. Blaine's curls tickled Kurt's naked chest and he giggled, making Blaine freeze again.

Instinctively Kurt reached out and pulled Blaine closer so that Blaine's head rested on his chest completely. Blaine wrapped an arm around Kurt's waist and made this content sigh again that made Kurt smile.

When their legs tangled together Kurt was already sleeping.


	5. No Space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don’t want space between us, a shapeless blur
> 
> I want this to have a meaning - no ending in sight

Blaine felt warm when he woke up. Not like an uncomfortable heat, like he was sick or anything like that, just a comforting warmth spreading through his body.

He wiggled a little, marveling in the nice feeling and comfort of his bed. He smiled.

It took him a moment to realize that his cushion was moving under his ear. Slowly he opened his eyes.

He was snugly nestled on Kurt's chest and as he took in the sight above him, fair skin, slightly parted lips and bangs that had escaped their style and flopped over the beautiful man's forehead, Blaine's smile got dreamy.

This felt so nice. Everything they had done had felt so nice.

Blaine felt cherished and wanted, remembering how Kurt had moaned his name the night before and how he had kissed him deep and wanton.

Kurt's arm was slung around Blaine's waist, holding Blaine close to his body and Blaine felt the urge to snuggle even closer. He didn't want anything to separate them, to keep him from feeling Kurt so close, skin on skin, heart to heart. No space to part them.

Mindlessly Blaine started to draw patterns on Kurt's chest, recapturing the previous night in his head.

Despite the bubbly feeling inside him he didn't know what to make of all of it.

The beginning had been awkward and sort of embarrassing. For a moment he had been sure that Kurt had not only forgotten his name but also that they had had a date.

Then, in the club Blaine had been intimidated by all of it. Kurt seemed to be some kind of famous party person. Everyone knew him; he didn't have to pay – no questions asked but everyone cheered when they saw him.

And then the alcohol. Blaine had no problem with one or two beers to relax with his friends. A cocktail at a bar, a glass of champagne at a party but he always tried to stay away from harder stuff. He knew that he could become quite a whore when drunk, making out with everything that was interested… man or woman.

Still, he had felt the need to keep up, to prove to Kurt that he hadn't made a mistake by inviting him and so he had downed it and surprisingly he had still only wanted one thing: Kurt.

Blaine had hesitated for a moment on the dance floor. Kurt was so beautiful. He moved with grace and confidence and Blaine was a potato with a bowtie and triangular eyebrows… but as soon as Kurt had dragged him onto the dance floor…

Maybe it had been the alcohol, maybe it had just been part of the carefree young boy Blaine had once been but as Kurt had pulled him close… Kurt's scent filling his nose, the music in his ears and the alcohol slowly fogging up his mind, Blaine had just let go.

He had always been a good dancer and Kurt seemed to think so too. Boy, had they danced, grinding and touching. Blaine didn't think to have ever tasted skin as soft and delicious as Kurt's.

It had been fun. Wonderful, intoxicating joy to dance with Kurt and the girls and then… this performance. Born this way. It had nearly made him swoon.

The way Kurt had moved and  _sounded_. Blaine couldn't believe that Kurt wasn't singing on one of the stages in the city with moves and a voice like that.

By the end of the first chorus Blaine had been on the brink of falling down to his knees and begging Kurt to take him then and there.

He had been so nervous when he had taken Kurt home. Not in the cab, certainly not there. He blushed a little as he remembered how he had practically climbed into Kurt's lap on the way back… but when Kurt had been here. It was like he feared that Kurt might walk out again the moment he'd see where he lived.

But Kurt hadn't walked away from him. He had wanted Blaine, had showed him how much and god it had been the best feeling in the world.

And then the way they had made love… had he really just thought that? Making love?

He wasn't in love with Kurt. It was too soon and he didn't know him well enough, Blaine was aware of that… but "fucking" just didn't sum up all he had felt when Kurt had touched him and let himself be touched by Blaine. It had just been  _more_  and Blaine's stomach was still flipping and twisting when he remembered it, a hot feeling that went deeper than pure arousal.

Maybe it had something to do with Blaine's stupid obsession but something that felt so right couldn't just be caused by a mild attraction, could it?

For a moment he debated to get up and make the breakfast he had dreamt about having with exactly this man in exactly this bed, but getting up would mean leaving the warmth and peace that was Kurt's body and presence and he didn't think he could give that up just now.

Blaine closed his eyes, thinking about sleeping for a little longer as he felt Kurt stir beneath him. He held his breath, both fearing and anticipating Kurt's reaction to how close they were cuddled together. From what he knew, that wasn't quite Kurt's policy for a hook up.

Kurt pulled Blaine closer, nuzzling his face into Blaine's hair with a content huff and Blaine felt joy shooting through his body. Maybe this wasn't just a hook up to Kurt. Maybe he felt  _more_  as well. Maybe Blaine wasn't alone in his need to spend time with the other man, to get to know him and explore whatever he was feeling but then Kurt froze, his arms around Blaine going stiff and making Blaine's heart sink.

Slowly Kurt untangled himself from Blaine, like he didn't want to make the motion too obvious and shifting away a little. Blaine rolled on his side too make it easier but also to hide his face from showing his disappointment.

"What time is it?" Kurt rasped next to him, voice still sleepy and raw.

"Not even ten." Blaine replied with a look at his clock. His voice sounded too high even in his own ears.

"That's way too early for a Sunday." Kurt murmured and Blaine could feel him slumping further down into the cushions. So he didn't seem to want to get out and run. Maybe Blaine still had a chance.

Slowly he sat up and glanced at Kurt. The other man was lying, arm thrown over his eyes and lips slightly parted, frowning at the light and probably hangover.

"Hangover breakfast, I guess?" Blaine asked, eyes taking in Kurt tensing again as soon as he proposed spending more time together. "I mean, I don't want you to throw up in the cab as soon as you get out of here…"

There was a small pause and then a murmured  _Guess it can't hurt_  from Kurt and immediately Blaine was on his feet and out of the room into the kitchen. He didn't even think to put on some clothes, grateful that none of his roommates seemed to be at home as he entered the kitchen.

Quickly he put together some scrambled eggs with tomatoes and not too strong spices, toast with butter and coffee. He was just about to put everything on a tray to serve Kurt in bed, when Kurt entered the kitchen, fully dressed.

"That smells quite good actually." Kurt said, standing in the door. He smiled but Blaine could see behind that. Kurt's uneasiness was so blatant it hurt.

"Yeah, well. I'll just leave it here and go… put some clothes on. You help yourself?" Blaine looked at Kurt maybe a little hopeful that the other would want to wait to eat together or laugh and tell him to not mind to get dressed but all Kurt did was nod slightly, before moving to the counter to drink coffee.

Blaine grinned way too brightly at Kurt before quickly moving to his room. He already felt like crawling back into bed, all the euphoria from the previous night, the cuddling and happiness of touch already gone but he told himself to get it together and hastily grabbed one of his silk pajama bottoms and a t-shirt before hurrying back to the kitchen before Kurt had the possibility to leave without another word.

When Blaine reentered the kitchen, Kurt had already emptied half of his plate. He must have shuffled it into his mouth like an animal, wanting to finish fast in the three minutes Blaine had been gone from the room. With a small sigh Blaine took a cup of coffee and leant against the oven.

"So that was fun." He stated lightly, desperate to start a conversation.

"Yeah, yeah. It was." Kurt answered distractedly, staring at his food.

There was an awkward pause, where Blaine was just staring at Kurt while the other man avoided looking up.

"Do you want to head out right away or…" He had nothing to say, nothing to offer. Blaine just knew that he did not just want Kurt to walk out of his life like that but before he could even make a proposition Kurt had looked up with wide eyes and hurriedly said that it would be awesome of Blaine to call him a cab and Blaine had practically slumped on the inside.

"It should be here in a couple of minutes." Blaine stated after hanging up the phone and going back to leaning against the counter, staring at the man who was, now that the food was all gone, mustering his half emptied coffee mug with huge interest.

Suddenly Kurt put the cup down quite forcefully and got his jacket from one of the seats.

"I guess I'll just wait outside then." He looked at Blaine briefly, his smile forced.

"I really don't mind you waiting here." Blaine tried to stop him, but Kurt was already at the door. A sudden wash of panic overcame Blaine as he watched Kurt leaving.

"Kurt!" He called out, desperation in his voice and Kurt stopped.

"Yes, Blaine?" Kurt asked without turning.

"I… I uhm… just thank you, I guess. For everything… for taking me and for… just if we don't see… thank you." Blaine stammered out. He didn't know how to make Kurt stay or to tell him he wanted to see him again and it killed him.

Kurt didn't say anything immediately but suddenly he turned and his lips were on Blaine's so new and still so familiar and Blaine melted against the dry force of Kurt's closed lips.

As soon as it had started it was over and Kurt was at the door before Blaine could even register what had happened. He was about to speak, to call out, to demand anything but Kurt yelled back over his shoulder.

"I was so free to leave my number on your nightstand. Call me if you are in need of some fun again." And with that and no look back he was gone, the door closing behind him.

Blaine sank against the nearest wall. Kurt was so confusing but he had left him his number. The thought gave Blaine hope though he did not know what he was hoping for.

All he knew was that he did not just want anything between him and Kurt. He wanted to spend time with him, wanted to touch him, get to know him and maybe… yes maybe he just felt the weird urge to love him. To explore what was behind the soft touch, the though and cold outside and those meaningful eyes.


	6. Being game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I came here on my own to lose myself
> 
> Enjoying the party, with everyone who laughs and drinks
> 
> no one could tell stranger from friend
> 
> well that's what people do
> 
> I was drinking and dancing, like in trance - and then I drowned

From then on partying with Kurt became a regular thing.

Blaine was nervous when he first called Kurt the following Saturday. He debated all day if he should call him – were six days not enough? Was it too much already?

But Kurt sounded friendly in his flirty, slightly arrogant way and promptly invited him to go out dancing with him and his girls that very night. They ended up in Blaine's bed again, after a night filled with dancing, laughter and booze.

This became a regular thing as well, Kurt ending up in Blaine's bed and staying the night and with every time Blaine's need to be with the other man grew. But as evident as that need, was also Kurt's obvious wish to keep things casual and meaningless. A fuck, breakfast and yes, more and more talking but never a date, never staying late or cuddling up on the couch. If Blaine had had to describe it he would have called them friends with benefits, even if that expression made his toes curl unpleasantly…

He also got along brilliantly with Kurt's friends, especially with Tina and Britt. Tina was a cute girl and easy to talk to whereas Britt's positive attitude and joy in dancing were infectious. Rachel was more difficult to get used to but nice in her own way once you came to the point of ignoring her sometimes rude comments. Santana was a completely other case though. For several weeks Blaine was convinced that Santana hated him, until he asked Kurt about it one morning when they lay in bed together and he explained what Santana tight lipped smiles, snarky comments and dirty looks really meant.

"Santana might seem like your average early twenty, bitchy slut but in fact she's been monogamous and wiped since high school and you Sir got too many smiles from her girl to be on her good side." Blaine looked at him in astonishment. Sure, Santana and Brittany had been constantly making out but the way both behaved, all those flirty smiles and dirty dancing, he really hadn't gotten the hint. On the other hand he had never spoken three words with them outside a club or party setting.

It was that attitude towards him that made his eyes widen in surprise as he received a call from her late one Friday night.

"Hobbit. Is Ladylips with you?" She asked, her voice disinterested with was a certain edge to it that Blaine did not like at all.

"Kurt? No I haven't heard from him all week… he also didn't answer my call earlier… I thought you were just out not wanting me to tag along…"

"Well, we were… then Kurt said he needed to go to the toilet, with a cute blond I might add, and didn't return for an hour. He didn't come back though, wasn't present at the toilet and also didn't send one of his ''getting the D'' text to any of us. I did saw the blond again though… so we figured he'd be getting the D elsewhere…."

"Santana you seem worried." Blaine cut in.

"What? No! Why would I be worried? It's Hummel. Guess he just found a better fuck on the way and went home with him…" She didn't sound convinced but as Blaine tried to interrogate further she tried to distract him, ending in her pretending to be losing connection and hanging up.

Blaine didn't buy it. If Santana was worried Kurt must have been behaving oddly and if she went as far as calling Blaine, it must be serious.

Blaine managed to sit for another full minute on the couch in his empty living-room before he got up to get his taxi keys, jacket and wallet to storm out and find Kurt somewhere in the night of New York.

Blaine wasn't stupid. He knew that chances were high that if he found Kurt at all, he'd be in the arms of another guy. Just because Blaine hadn't so much as looked at anyone in months didn't mean that Kurt hadn't done that and more the whole time. They weren't together. They weren't in love. They had no claim on the other.

That didn't stop Blaine from being true and falling. He was in love and he had told himself so many times that, what he had with Kurt was good, was enough, that he nearly believed it.

It where those moments, which they had completely to themselves, that had made him fall. Those moments, where Kurt seemed to let his guard down and was just himself. Blaine delighted in the feeling that Kurt could do that. That Kurt liked being with him enough and felt save enough to do it.

Like when he made them breakfast early in the morning and instead of being awkward and unsure like the first time it had happened, Kurt came into the kitchen to wrap his arms around Blaine, hug him close and press a kiss below his right ear murmuring " _Morning beautiful_ " in a still sleepy and warm voice.

It were those moments when they were in bed and Kurt gave himself to Blaine without even attempting to take control. It didn't happen every time, Blaine had learned that Kurt liked to be in control of the situation at all times, but sometimes he'd just pull Blaine down and whisper in his ear " _Take me, Blaine. Make me feel good_ " in this soft and needy voice that made Blaine's toes curl and his heart clench with the wish to give Kurt all he needed and wanted.

Or the times when Kurt would lead him out of the club at random moments just to drag him into the next café or a nearby park with the excuse of ''feeling hot'' and then ending in them talking until the early morning about everything and nothing. They never talked about their past or jobs. Blaine had tried but Kurt had distracted him and Blaine had gotten the hint. Still, they didn't need to. They had so much in common! Their love for music and fashion, bad reality TV and good movies, travelling, art and culture. There was so much to talk about that it never got boring. In the end they were laughing and giggling until Kurt would take Blaine's hand with sparkling eyes and a bright smile and let Blaine take him home.

There were those little smiles, that were ever so often directed at Blaine, the private jokes and this moment when they were dancing close and Kurt rested his head against Blaine's temple and it was just so perfect that Blaine could bury his nose in the crock of Kurt's neck, close his eyes and just breath him in – tune everything else out and just be with Kurt.

Of course it didn't hurt that Kurt was, like he had seen this first night, drop dead gorgeous. His sparkling eyes, sometimes blue, sometimes so bright they seemed grey and then once in a while they had a green touch to it that made him look mysterious and unworldly.

He was lithe, but his built was in no way anything but masculine, with broad shoulders and strong arms, so strong that they could lift Blaine up easily only to drop him to the bed or keep him up against a wall, while he was fucking into him.

Blaine sighed at this memory, eyes glazing over for a moment before he returned his attention to the street.

He didn't really know where to start but he knew he had to start somewhere.

He went to all the clubs he had visited with Kurt and he was glad that Kurt was well known. He just asked the bouncers if they had seen him and even if most of them didn't know Kurt by name a vague description was enough to get the information he needed.

Sadly though, he hadn't been to any of them that night.

The driving around gave him too much time to think for his liking, as the hours dragged on.

He didn't understand Kurt. Was he just not the type of guy to settle for one person only? And all the going out and getting wasted. Did he do it for fun only? There were those nights, mostly Friday nights, when Kurt drank more, danced wilder and fucked Blaine harder. Even if they danced close, he always seemed more distant and colder despite the fire in his eyes.

Only the morning after did Kurt return to his usual self, the one that hugged and smiled at Blaine, that talked with him and flirted, the one that not only made his stomach swoop but also his heart flutter. Blaine hadn't asked him about it, more scared of being rejected than of the answer itself…

Then again maybe he just wasn't enough for Kurt to settle for. The thought hurt but in the end this would be it. Kurt just liked enjoying life to the fullest and Blaine was just temporary fun.

It surely was what Wes and David, and after a really awkward run-in, also Jeff and Nick thought.

They hadn't said anything (yet) but he saw it in their fake smiles when Kurt was looking and the disapproving looks when he wasn't. He knew it from the pity in their eyes when he was gushing over what a perfect night he had spent with the other man.

Besides, even though they hadn't openly addressed the topic, they had made remarks about Blaine nearly not working anymore and constantly asking how he was doing with his project works. They did have a point there. Blaine had spent most of his nights going out with Kurt instead of driving his cab or searching for gigs and even though his friends had welcomed him enjoying himself for a change, now they were more vary about that. And if he did have a Kurt-free evening he needed it to catch up with all the school and project work, not to mention that going out so much wasn't exactly cheap either. Money he needed for school and rent and just  _getting by_.

But he couldn't stop. He needed Kurt in his life. Even if he just was temporary. He found happiness with him on those evenings, a feeling he had missed for such a long time.

He sighed as he started the car again. Another bar – no Kurt and it was already past 4am now.

Kurt's friends seemed to be more positive about him and Kurt though. Of course Santana was a case of her own and Britt never seemed to think too much about other people's problems but especially Tina seemed to like him and respectively him with Kurt. She had gone as far as saying "when he is with you he reminds me of the boy he used to be" whatever that was supposed to mean, whereas Rachel had praised their chemistry when they had sung together at a karaoke bar once.

Those were good things right? Kurt's friends supported them in… whatever they were.

Blaine sighed. He just needed to see Kurt. There was this nauseous feeling in his gut that something was wrong and that Kurt needed him. Was that presumptuous of him? At least if he did find him in the arms of some other guy he'd know that Kurt was alright and then he could go home and cry and nurse his heartbreak only to call Kurt the next evening, hoping he'd want him then.

He left the cab, for that felt like the 100th time that evening, maybe it even was, to enter a small and shabby pub they'd been to only once. It wasn't dirty but even for Manhattan far off the beaten track. There weren't too many people around and those who were, were regulars, middleclass men who had come here all their lives and late at night those who didn't find another place to crash for their final round.

It was more likely that Kurt would be at home already or on the moon but when Blaine entered he saw a figure slouched over the bar. He'd recognize that head and figure everywhere and without thinking he rushed forward and hugged Kurt from behind.

The man squeaked but then just giggled and leaned back into his hug. Blaine reluctantly let go and moved to the stool beside him.

Kurt turned towards him and giggled more.

"Blainey! You found me! You are sooo cute!"

He leaned forward and framed Blaine's face with his hands. Blaine could smell the alcohol in his breath as he leaned forward. He must have had a lot.

"I missed you, you know? But I needed… I dunno. But it was fun. You had fun too, right?" He giggled again, before he rested his head on Blaine's shoulder with a groan.

Blaine was shell shocked. He had never seen Kurt like this. So… vulnerable and out of it.

"Kurt." He said, his voice low and urgent as he began to stroke his hand soothingly over his friends back. "Where were you all evening? Santana called me. She was worried."

"Oh Satan can suck it!" Kurt snapped, as he sat up straight again and looked at Blaine suddenly angry. "She was all like  _Oh Hummellina you need to get some other D than that Anderson kid what happened to your predatory instinct ever since that hobbit came along you're as faithful as 50s housewife_  and then I went and there was that Adam and he was nice and good looking and I wanted to have him and I could and suddenly I didn't want to anymore and then I ran out and ended up here and it's all Satan's fucking fault. That bitch." He closed his eyes and tried to empty his already empty drink, mumbling a quite "fuck" as he noticed.

Blaine wasn't sure if he was able to follow. Did that mean that Kurt had not seen anyone but him for the past months? Did that mean anything? And if so… what did it mean?

Blaine shook his head. Even if it did mean  _something_ this was about Kurt and what happened to him here.

"Kurt. What happened? Why are you here and what did you do?"

Blaine hoped that he sounded interested and not as worried as he thought he did. He knew that Kurt wasn't someone who appreciated patronizing.

"I don't know. I needed to get out… and then I walked and then I took a cab… and I had to think of you because you drive a cab, don't you B? You are a cab driver, that drives a cab!" He giggled again.

"Yes, Kurt. You took a cab. Why did you come…" Blaine let his eyes wander over the small empty dance floor and the deserted tables "here?" His voice wasn't much louder than a whisper, his hands resting on Kurt's left shoulder and clutching his right hand to keep him focused.

Kurt only shrugged, his gaze not meeting Blaine's.

"Blaine." From one moment to the other Kurt's eyes were focused on him, though it was like he was trying to look through fog. "Remember when we were here? The girls had gone home and we were sooo drunk." Kurt's mouth turned into a big smile. "No one was there. Just like now. And there was music and you told me I was beautiful and then there was this song… this old Pink song… and you said that it made you think of me, because I was perfect and you pulled me to the dance floor and held me close and… we danced. It wasn't to the beat we just stood there and it was so nice." He looked dreamy and then tugged at Blaine's hand.

"Dance with me." Kurt demanded, trying to pull Blaine towards him but his attempt so weak, he ended up falling against Blaine again.

"Hey, hey" Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt to stabilize him. He was seriously worried. Kurt was one hundred percent out of it and Blaine wasn't sure how to handle this.

"So you came here because you thought of me…?" He asked, unsure if he had understood Kurt correctly.

"No?" It sounded more as a question, muffled against Blaine's neck. He could feel Kurt's lips moving against his skin and it was really distracting.

"I think… maybe I came here… to forget you… forget everything." Kurt's words were interrupted by small little kisses to Blaine's neck and Blaine had to fight really hard to not close his eyes and give into Kurt's small affections. He untangled himself from Kurt carefully and held his face softly with one hand.

"Kurt. Please tell me what you did and then I'll take you home and you can sleep, okay?" The other man looked at him in confusion and then a small chuckle escaped his throat.

"Oh I know what you want with me  _in bed_  Mr. Anderson." He let his finger trail down Blaine's chest but Blaine caught it before he could reach his belt buckle and clasped it over his heart.

"No, Kurt, please. Just talk and then just sleep. I just need to know you're alright." Blaine was pleading by now and Kurt looked at him in surprise.

"O… Okay…" He mumbled, seemingly caught off guard. "I came here… and I got a drink? I didn't know anyone… I didn't tell anyone that I had left… oh my god… what was I thinking? I should have told the girls." Blaine shushed him and Kurt nodded and went on talking. "But there were people… I didn't know them… but they gave me something to drink and then we danced… and then we drank more… I don't think they come here… and oh my god Blaine… I think they took photos of me drunk… I might have been shirtless." He groaned and his eyes didn't only look glassy but teary too. "If my boss sees those!"

Blaine shushed him again and squeezed his hand fleetingly.

"I just hate it, Blaine. All of it. Why don't I ever get the good stuff? I thought coming here… I'd one day get the good stuff… but nothing changes." Tears were rolling down Kurt's face by now and Blaine didn't know what to do but to prompt him to go on and stroke away the tears, caressing his cheek. He didn't feel like they were still talking about what had happened that night only.

Kurt nodded slightly, sniffling and leaning into Blaine's touch.

"I don't even think I'd care though. I don't know who they were… they don't know who I am. Who does even care about this sorta shit?" Blaine wasn't even sure if Kurt was laughing or crying right now. "Kiss me." Without warning Kurt's lips were pressing against his, dry and hot, clumsily trying to lick into his mouth. Blaine gave in for a moment, feeling the man's lips he had missed for nearly a whole week, but the need and alcohol on his tongue felt different and bitter and Blaine pulled back quickly.

"I care, Kurt. I care about you. I care when you feel bad and I care when you hurt. I want you to come to me when you hurt and I want to make you feel better because I know I could Kurt. I know I could if you let me." Kurt was still holding onto his hand, his eyes wide. Blaine didn't even know if Kurt understood what he was saying but he sounded more sober and calmer when he spoke again.

"Take me home, please? I just don't want to be alone right now. We'll talk in the morning?" Kurt's eyes were shining and Blaine couldn't say no. He threw some bills to the counter and supported Kurt as they made their way to his cab, Blaine's arm around Kurt's waist and Kurt's arms thrown over his shoulders, while his cheek was resting against Blaine's head.

Carefully Blaine let Kurt crawl into the backseat. As they reached his apartment Kurt was as good as sleeping, not even saying a word, as Blaine stripped him down to his underwear and tugged him into bed.

Still, as Blaine crawled in next to him ten minutes later, Kurt turned around and wrapped himself around the other man, sighing happily before he began to snore quietly.

Despite, the man he loved quietly sleeping on his chest, Blaine wasn't able to find rest for quite a while. Everything he had thought about and had seen of and heard from Kurt this evening was confusing. He feared what he'd hear in the morning, if Kurt were willing to talk then. Blaine wasn't sure if he was more afraid to get a look behind what he knew now was a façade or what that could mean for them. What he did know was that, whatever would happen he'd be there for Kurt. He couldn't stay away even if it were better for his own sake. And maybe that was the scariest thought of them all.


	7. Wait up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Without knowing what would happen
> 
> You can say he made his way
> 
> But not everybody is on board
> 
> Too many times he was left high and dry
> 
> He realizes how alone he is
> 
> Everyone's asleep while he stays up

The first thing Kurt felt when waking up was a dull unpleasant ache in his head. He groaned. Everything hurt and ached and he wanted to throw up but that would have meant moving and that was out of the question.

What had he done last night? Slowly the memories came back and Kurt groaned again. If he already had to endure the worst hangover why couldn't he at least be granted the courtesy of forgetting that terrible night?

First there was this sort of fight with Santana. She had accused him of losing drive because of Blaine, that he had become boring and domestic. She had a point. Kurt hadn't taken anyone home since the first night he had slept with Blaine. He just hadn't wanted to, but being who he was he had had to proof Santana wrong.

He had met Adam at the bar. Cute, friendly, a little older than him, maybe in his late 20s but charming and obviously interested. Adam had offered him a drink but Kurt had directly gone for the kill, burying his hands in the other man's hair and kissing him fiercely. Adam had been an excellent kisser and soon their tongues had been moving together, their bodies pressed close. Kurt had been able to feel that Adam had been really into it but Kurt had felt nothing.

There had been no fire, no urge, no desire, just the nice feeling of a good kiss. Nothing you couldn't turn your back on without regret. Kurt had panicked. Why wasn't this working? He should suck Adam; that always got him going. When he was with Blaine, the other man's dick in his mouth, his little desperate whimpers and the way he carded his fingers through Kurt's hair were enough to have Kurt on the brink of coming. His cock had given an interested twitch at that thought and before he had known what he was doing, he had been dragging the man towards the bathroom.

Kurt had gotten a glimpse of a smirking Santana and that had only encouraged him further as he had pushed Adam against a wall as soon as he had been through the door. Kurt had attacked his mouth, trying desperately to chase the fire that should have been there, only it wasn't.

All he had been able to think about had been how he had pushed Blaine against a wall the night they had met. How much he had wanted Blaine already back then and even though he had had played it cool. Turning away from that pliant mouth and those gorgeous eyes that night had been one of the hardest things he had ever done.

Back in the bathroom Kurt had dropped to his knees. He hadn't been supposed to think about Blaine. That had been the whole point of this. Above him had been a gorgeous man, panting because of him, why hadn't this been enough?

He had just been fumbling with Adam's belt buckle as strong hands had stopped him and pulled him up. He had wanted to ask what was wrong but Adam had only scrutinized him with those gentle, blue eyes and smiled sadly.

"You don't really want to be here, do you, Kurt?" He had asked in this swoon worthy British accent and Kurt had found himself unable to lie. He had bit his lip and shook his head.

"Fair enough." Adam had said and let go of Kurt. Only then Kurt had noticed that he was shaking and that the only thing on his mind had still been Blaine.

He had turned on his heel and stormed out, leaving Adam in the bathroom without another word.

He didn't understand himself. After a bad day at work lots of booze and a good fuck were the best cure for his sore nerves and his bad mood but all he wanted was Blaine and that was bad. He didn't do commitment. He didn't do standstill, always moving, never stopping. Not relying on anyone, always in control. Everything he couldn't have in any other part of his life.

He turned in his bed. And still, the morning after, everything was Blaine. Even his pillow smelled like Blaine, even though he hadn't even brought him...

Kurt sat up straight, finally opening his eyes, taking in his surroundings.

He wasn't in his room even though the room wasn't any less familiar. Quickly he searched his memory for what had happened. His cheeks reddened when he remembered how he had practically broken down in front of Blaine. He didn't remember what they had said, everything turned a little blurry after his 5th drink at this bar, but he knew that he had been a mess by the time that Blaine had found him.

Had found him... Kurt let that sink in for a moment. Blaine had heard that Kurt had gone missing and searched for him. A warm feeling spread through Kurt's chest, only dampened by the memory of what a sad fool he had been when Blaine had arrived. Kurt hadn't been the person he wanted to be and he was ashamed of it.

He remembered that he had been really drunk when Blaine had found him and that he had whined and babbled… had he cried? He wasn't sure. He did remember though that he had kissed Blaine and how shocked and worried Blaine had looked at him.

Something twisted in Kurt's stomach at that memory. He vaguely remembered whining and talking about personal stuff and he didn't do that with his lovers. He wasn't keen on whatever Blaine would have to say at all but he couldn't exactly avoid it, could he?

He rolled out of bed, groaning as the pain in his head increased and stumbled out into the kitchen. He was met by the smell of coffee and… pizza?

"Morning, Kurt." Blaine said as he noticed him. "I wasn't sure if I should wake you. How are you feeling?"

Kurt blinked rapidly against the bright light and took Blaine in. He was smiling at him but his expression seemed guarded, something Kurt wasn't used to seeing.

"I'm okay… headache but I guess I have only myself to thank that for, don't I?" He smiled at Blaine and Blaine chuckled while he busied himself with the oven, taking out the pizza.

Kurt moved to sit on one of the bar stools before he spoke again. "So… pizza?"

Blaine placed a plate of pizza in front of him right next to a cup of steaming, dark coffee and nodded.

"The best thing to cure a major hangover. Salty, hot, calming the stomach if you don't experiment too much with the spices and bitter coffee. It might sound insane but trust me."

Kurt stared at him. It sounded disgusting and his stomach clenched unpleasantly at the smell but Blaine smiled reassuringly and Kurt debated that he'd throw up anyways if he didn't try to work against that.

After his first bite he was sure he'd puke any moment but after the first gulp of coffee, he already felt his dizziness dull, his stomach calm and his nausea pass. Blaine was watching him, leaning against the opposite counter, his expression still concentrated but smiling every time he noticed Kurt looking up at him.

"This is magical, Blaine." Kurt said, once he had eaten most of his meal. "Were where you to nurse me back to health, when all my other hangovers had me crawling on the floor?" He gave the other man a flirty smile, but instead of smiling back or winking at him like he usually did, Blaine just cleared his throat and turned, placing his now empty mug in the sink.

"We need to talk, Kurt."

Kurt froze at those words. Blaine turned back to him and looked at him in concentration while a whole different nausea began to rise in Kurt's stomach. This was about whatever he had said the previous night and Kurt was still not in for this conversation. What did Blaine even care? They worked how they did. Blaine didn't need to know about Kurt's personal life. Kurt left this behind when he was with Blaine. It was how he worked. It was why he enjoyed being with Blaine.

"Last night you said we could talk in the morning and I just… I-I really want to know that you're okay, Kurt."

Kurt stayed tense at Blaine's words. What had he said to have Blaine act this way? He needed to know.

"What exactly do you want to talk about?" Kurt asked cautiously.

"You tell me." Blaine said defensively, arms crossed over his chest. His eyebrows were perfect triangles and for a moment Kurt wondered if Blaine had extra muscles to shape them but then Blaine sighed and it was like he was shrinking.

"I guess… I just worry about you Kurt, especially after last night. I know that I don't have the right… that it's not my place to do so." He shrugged before fixing his eyes on Kurt's and they were so open and warm and pleading that Kurt felt his throat go dry with the intensity of it. "But I can't help that I do and I won't be sorry for trying to be there and wanting to know what's hurting you. Because it hurts me when you're hurting."

"Okay." Kurt whispered, as surprised as Blaine seemed to be at his words.

"You – okay?" Kurt nodded and Blaine stepped closer, searching Kurt's face for any hint of dishonesty.

Kurt was still defensive. He didn't want to talk even though he felt like he wanted Blaine to _know_. That didn't mean that he'd just begin to explain himself and his life and lay everything open. He didn't like to be an open book.

As the silence stretched and Blaine was just looking at him, Kurt sighed. "What do you want to know? As you might be able to imagine my memory of last night is not the best and I really have no idea what you want to ask here." Blaine nodded, seemingly thinking hard for a moment when he spoke again.

"Why do you do it? All this going out, getting wasted. What for?" Kurt laughed at that.

"Because I like it? Jeez, Blaine, why do people go out?" He chuckled again but Blaine looked displeased.

"I don't believe you. There is more to it. You said so last night."

"Did I now?" Kurt asked, still grinning amusedly and Blaine just nodded.

"Okay… then I'll rephrase this: what did you want to forget and why and is that your usual motivation for going out and getting wasted?" The grin froze on Kurt's face. These were questions he didn't like to think about and which were far less easy to answer.

"Wh-what are you talking about? I already said that I go out for fun, Blaine. Just because you rephrase your question doesn't mean that my answer changes."

"Then again, you didn't really answer my question, Kurt." Blaine hesitantly rested his hand on Kurt's. "Please, Kurt." He whispered. "I just don't want to see you like last night ever again. You were too hurt and weak and I know that you're strong and powerful and I couldn't help you as much as I wanted to. Please, Kurt. Please let me in."

Kurt stared in Blaine's eyes and again the words were out before he had considered them.

"I wanted to forget reality, I guess. I just really need to not think about responsibilities and duties and consequences as soon as I leave the office at 4pm on Friday. Sometimes the urge is stronger than other days and yes, going out is my way to do that."

Blaine nodded thoughtfully. "No, I get that. I do have that notion when life brings me down from time to time but what can be so bad that this is a constant for you?"

"Well, maybe my job just sucks more than yours." Kurt spat and was immediately sorry for lashing out. Blaine on the other hand just tilted his head and raised his eyebrows.

"I am a cab driver in New York – a job I have to do, to somehow get enough money to pay for college. Besides, if I don't drive around drunken people or study my ass off, then I beg for gigs to somehow earn a little extra cash by doing what I love. I'd say that my life is far from perfect…"

Kurt swallowed. Blaine was right. He had no right to talk down to him.

"I'm sorry, Blaine." Kurt turned his hand to interlace his fingers with Blaine's where they were still resting on his hand. "I just don't know how to talk about this. A huge part of forgetting about it is not talking about it after all."

"I get what you mean Kurt but after last night I'm not exactly sure how good your method works. You neither seemed to be forgetting what was bothering you, nor enjoying trying to."

Kurt bit his lip. Again, Blaine was right and Kurt didn't know how to deal with this conversation. He wasn't used to talking about it. He didn't know how.

"Maybe you should just tell me why you hate your job so much? You work at right? I mean, shouldn't that be a dream come true? I know how much you love fashion after all." Blaine inquired.

"It should, only it isn't." Kurt answered evasively. "It's just – I'm 23, Blaine and it already feels like this is as far as I'll come in my life. Like this is the end. It won't get better. Sitting in the waiting room without ever being called in. Maybe that wouldn't be so hard if that hadn't been my life for as long as I can remember." Kurt sounded bitter. He felt bitter. Who was he kidding? He was bitter.

Blaine squeezed his hand. "Why's that?" he asked and from there on all dams were broken and Kurt talked and talked while Blaine just listened and nodded and held his hand.

"When you were younger, were you ever told "it gets better"? Your straight friends say it, your teachers say it, your parents say it, people on TV say it? Every time when they threw me into the dumpster or slushied me or broke into my locker just to decorate it with toilet paper, I told myself that. Every time I found a new bruise on my body after a locker slam or being tripped or pushed I told myself that. Hell, I told myself that after one of those Neanderthals forced himself on me and stole my first kiss only to threaten my life. _It gets better_ was the only thing that kept me going, even though, with that only, I wouldn't have managed. If Santana hadn't blackmailed that guy later I don't know if I had graduated or just survived high school." He shuddered at the memory, while Blaine was shocked into silence, clutching Kurt's hand tightly.

Kurt took in a deep breath. Why was he still talking? Why wasn't he just making a snarky comment and walking out, never to see Blaine again?

"New York, Broadway, fashion were what kept me going. I believed that once I'd get here, my life would be what I had dreamt it would be. I would get what I deserved… just my fair share of happiness or at least the shot at it." He laughed dryly. "No more waiting around but living. Free and light as a bird, you know, that sort of crap. I should have known that wouldn't be the case when I didn't get into NYADA but after moping around for some time my dad practically pushed me out the door telling me that things don't get better unless you make better happen. I believed him. I went to New York to live with Rachel. I got an internship at . Just 19, from a small town in Ohio. It got better, didn't it?"

It was a rhetorical question but Blaine nodded nonetheless. Kurt could see the thoughts racing behind his eyes but he didn't stop. He was talking and it felt like he couldn't stop. Suddenly, he wanted Blaine to understand. To see him, all of him.

"I thought so, too. My boss was amazing, giving me such a chance just because I had shining eyes and a good attitude. Well, but that was what I had come here for. For a chance and I got one. I had broken things off with my one and only boyfriend before coming here and I didn't sob over it. I was okay. Rachel wasn't. She took the breakup from my brother Finn pretty hard but I was glowing. There were boys who wanted to date me and kiss me and then I got the chance to perform at NYADA to get in. I know I was amazing but seemingly not amazing enough. I didn't get in, again and from then on things seemed to go downhill. I guess I should be grateful for those amazing three months at least."

Kurt's lip quivered and he bit hard on it, willing himself not to tear up. This was four years ago. He should be over it. Blaine had taken his other hand, too. His eyebrows were forming a straight line now and he was staring at Kurt with wide eyes, filled with sympathy. Kurt was still not sure why he appreciated that, when normally looks like that only stirred the urge in him to slap someone.

"I was dating a guy from work at that time. He was nice enough. It wasn't the big love story I had hoped for but I liked him. I knew deep down inside that I was still waiting for this one guy that would make my knees weak and my heart flutter." Kurt rolled his eyes at himself and chuckled but Blaine didn't smile. He just shook his head and mumbled something like _Isn't that what everyone's waiting for?_ but Kurt just went on telling his story.

"Anyways, it sort of ended when I found him making out with a delivery guy. He didn't even pretend that _it wasn't what it looked like_ just saying that I shouldn't be so small minded and immature. I left without regret, but it stung. I know he wasn't worth it but that doesn't mean that I didn't want to be thought of as worth it…" At that Blaine did interrupt him.

"Anyone who'd ever prefer someone over you is a daft idiot who doesn't deserve you." Blaine sounded breathless and he quickly pressed his lips to Kurt's. Kurt was surprised by the intensity of the close-mouthed kiss but embraced the warm feeling nonetheless, his eyes fluttering shut. Far too soon Blaine pulled back and smiled at Kurt to continue.

"Yeah right, so that thing with Chase was over but I was okay. No NYADA, no boyfriend but I still had my job and other offers to look forward to. Besides, my dad came to visit for the first time on Christmas. I was so glad to see him until he told me that he had prostate cancer. He's fine, don't worry." Kurt added quickly at Blaine's gasp. "It was hard and scary but he made it. Thank God, he did. But soon after that my boss told me that she'd have to take up another position and that I'd get a new boss. I was sad to see her go but I didn't think too much about it, until I met my new boss. To this day I don't know why and how exactly we started hating each other but we did and we do.

"And from then on work became obligation instead of fun. I waited for it to pass, to get better, to get my drive back, while I was basically hanging on the phone 24/7 in constant fear to hear from my stepmom instead of my dad. It was also around the time Santana moved here.

"I still don't know if that was the best or the worst thing possible. After some weeks she got tired of me moping around and made me go out with her. Rachel and her beau tagged along and wow I hadn't enjoyed myself so much in years, if ever. I ended up with someone for the night, a major hangover and a new thrive in my step. It was like even if I had no control over what was happening at work, or with my family and friends, when I went out… when I danced, I was in control of me and my life. I wasn't victim to circumstances and the decisions of other people. It was exciting and liberating and as time dragged on I relied on it more and more.

"I got offered a real position after my internship and for some time I stopped going out, throwing myself into work. I had hoped to get a new boss with the new position but I didn't. No matter what I did, I never got credit of it or a promotion or any prospect at all and as that sank in partying became a perspective again… and well… I don't really know if there is more to add because that's been my life for the past three years Blaine. Still-stand. Nothing changes, I can't move, it's like I am constantly waiting but in fact I gave up on believing that anything might change. Sometimes dreams just don't come true and all you have is to live in the moment and enjoy life when you can because sometimes it just doesn't get better."

Kurt sounded resigned when he finished, his hands just lying in Blaine's grip.

Slowly Blaine retracted his hand from Kurt's, only to walk around the kitchen island and hug him, burying his face in the crook of Kurt's neck.

"Thank you for telling me, Kurt." He mumbled into his skin. Kurt could feel Blaine's lips moving against his neck, his strong arms holding him tight, while Kurt just sat there and let himself be held for a moment, marveling in the comfort Blaine offered him. He closed his eyes and hummed in agreement.

After a few seconds Blaine pulled back and looked Kurt straight in the eyes.

"And still, I don't think that this is the end of the story." Kurt gaped at him. What was he saying?

"First of all, I don't think you are capable of giving up, Kurt, not on love, not on your dreams. There is too much passion in you – you're too strong and too amazing to do that."

"Second, your father is right: it gets better when we make better happen. No matter how hard it is, in the end your work will pay off and you will be bathed in all that is good and all you deserve."

"And third, don't let some small office people tell you that you can't make it. I've seen you take control Kurt. You are confident and know what you want. Once you've set your mind to something you're unstoppable. I've seen it the night I first saw you, I witnessed it every time I've been with you. You know it when you are out and about; you just have to remember that this is you, no matter where you are or what you do."

Kurt's throat felt dry when he blinked up at Blaine. He didn't know if Blaine was right. It sounded like one of those really crappy words of advice you get in teen magazines, but still Kurt didn't feel as bad as he usually did when he talked about his life. On the contrary his heart was beating fast, as Blaine fixed him with those beautiful, warm eyes and smiled at him.

"That was quite a good pep talk you did there. I guess, I'll think about it?"

"Thank you, but that wasn't all there is to it. Neither to the pep talk nor to the hangover treatment. Would you like to spend the day with me so I can work my magic for you?"

Kurt tensed a little. He had never spent more than one night and one morning with Blaine. They were fuck buddies, not a couple or proper friends. _Fuck your rules!_ A small voice in his head yelled at him and Kurt caved at Blaine's hopeful expression.

"Does this magic include blowjobs?" Kurt asked, going for cheeky in favor of nervous.

Blaine slapped his arm. "It might, you horny prick but besides that there is also much more coffee, Bloody Maries, ice cream and a bravo marathon. Or 90s romcoms – whatever you prefer."

"Hey, I didn't get laid last night or any night since that hobbit in the shower fucked me last Sunday morning so excuse me for having urges." Kurt smiled coyly and Blaine blushed.

"Mhh, I guess I could work some magic later." Blaine breathed before letting his eyes flutter shut and pressing a fleeting kiss to Kurt's mouth. "But ice cream first."

He got up to get spoons and ice cream, while Kurt settled on the couch, turning on the TV. After Blaine had placed their food and new coffee on the small table in front of the couch, he held up two DVDs for Kurt to pick one, and popped in _When Harry met Sally_ after Kurt had pointed at it.

As the movie started, Blaine had already curled into Kurt's side, his head resting on Kurt's shoulder, while one hand was lightly resting on Kurt's thigh. Blaine didn't even seem to notice doing it, but Kurt let his arm tentatively slide to lie on Blaine's shoulders to hold him a little closer.

As Kurt tried to focus on the movie a thought shot through his mind: this was different, this was _new_. Maybe change was after all just around the corner or lying right in his arms…


	8. Everything is you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You challenge me  
> I can see it in your eyes  
> Asking what I want  
> But I don't know
> 
> You say we were together  
> But right from the start I was just passing by  
> You're right, I remember  
> You fought for my heart  
> And when I think about for how long  
> I get dizzy
> 
> The city is alive and shining  
> and everything is you

"This is nice." Blaine murmured as he snuggled further down into the blanket, closer to Kurt. They had spent all day cuddling on the couch, watching TV, eating and talking, really talking. They had exchanged stories about their families and high school, about their jobs, school and dreams. With every new question and every new story Blaine told him about his far from perfect life, Kurt felt like it somehow got easier to open up and just be. No masks, no acts, just him and Blaine.

"It is." he whispered back and let his head drop onto Blaine's, closing his eyes and smiling as Blaine started to play with his fingers.

"Kurt?" Blaine asked and Kurt hummed again to show he was listening.

"What am I to you?" Blaine sounded small, like he didn't really want to know the answer but still needed to. Kurt kept his eyes shut, his mind racing. With all their newfound honesty and confidence in each other, this was the question they hadn't addressed all day and Kurt had preferred it that way.

As Kurt stayed silent, Blaine untangled himself from his embrace. Kurt turned his head away, looking out of the window, still lost for an answer. He could feel Blaine staring at him from where he was sitting upright on the couch now.

"I guess you really don't want to think about it but I just need to know where I stand, Kurt. I don't know if you like me this way and this is in no way an ultimatum for you but in the end I am one of those guys who want a relationship and a boyfriend and commitment." He sighed deeply, while Kurt concentrated on the quiet tick-tock from the clock on the wall. He didn't want to hear this and even less did he want to comment on this. He didn't know how to comment on this!

"From the first time I saw you, I knew that you were special, even before we actually met and when I did meet you, you were nothing like the picture in my head." Kurt turned around, looking at Blaine at this. Blaine didn't look angry or hurt, maybe a little sad but he was still smiling this warm smile that made Kurt's insides clench.

"You were still breathtaking, that night on the balcony but also really intimidating. I wasn't sure if I could keep up with you and I mean, you forgot my name." Blaine chuckled and Kurt's lips tugged up a little. "But when we went out the night after… you were so full of joy somehow. You got me out of my shell and I hadn't had that much fun in forever and then, when you let me take you home I was the happiest person in the world. And well, every night since. Before you, there were only school and work. I didn't live. I existed."

With every word Kurt's throat got drier. He hadn't known what an impact he'd had on Blaine or had he? Hadn't Blaine done the same for him? Slowing him down? Enjoying time with only one person rather than needing a whole club of people in order to not feel alone?

"But it's not only that. The talking and the shared mornings and everything you told me… or just how easy it is for us to spend time together. I've never felt so close to someone, Kurt and it's an amazing feeling. I like you, a lot." He made a pause, searching Kurt's face for any sign. Kurt knew that this was as much about Blaine as it was about him but that made reacting only more difficult.

Blaine took a deep breath before he looked straight into Kurt's eyes again. "I love you, Kurt. I want to be with you. I know where I stand. The question is… do you?"

There was no doubt in Blaine's gaze, no desperation. He was sure of himself and Kurt realized that it was him who didn't know how to answer. Not because he didn't know how to let Blaine down easily but because he didn't know if he wanted to.

Blaine asked what Kurt wanted and Kurt didn't know.

The realization hit him. This wasn't like any other time when a guy he had spent more than one night with had gotten attached. Kurt didn't feel awkward or mean. He didn't want to run. He just didn't know if he wanted to stay.

"Kurt? Say something?" Blaine asked, his voice quivering slightly but his eyes not less determined.

"I-I don't know." Blaine chuckled at that, a cut of throaty laugh that sounded a little like a sob.

"Well at least that isn't an  _I don't want to see you ever again_?" Kurt shook his head.

"I need to go." Kurt murmured, getting up and quickly walking into Blaine's bedroom, leaving a startled Blaine behind.

He was in his clothes before Blaine could even get up and go after him.

"No, Kurt, please don't go. You don't have to go." Blaine pleaded but Kurt walked past him to get his jacket from the living room.

"I, Blaine, I need to get my head straight, okay?" Blaine looked utterly heartbroken as Kurt walked to the door, much like he had this first morning, Kurt had left and like back then Kurt couldn't bear the look. "This isn't goodbye, I promise." He reassured Blaine, stepping in and already going for a kiss as he thought better of it and only took one of Blaine's hands to squeeze it.

Blaine didn't call after him he just nodded and looked after him, as Kurt made his way downstairs, catching his breath for a moment, as he reached the exit.

He looked around the shabby lobby and stopped as he noticed the torn poster on the far end. He had broken it. It had been about two weeks ago, they had come in late and Blaine had shoved him against this very wall, as soon as they had entered the house. They had been kissing frenetically, and rutting against each other until they had heard the tearing of the paper behind his back. It had been unbearably loud in the deserted hall. After a moment Blaine had begun to giggle and let Kurt back to the floor, gripping his hand and pulling him upstairs, still giggling.

The sound had been so bubbly that Kurt had had to laugh along. Now, at the sight of the torn paper Kurt felt something cold in his chest that made the smile that had formed at the memory, freeze on his face.

Quickly he left the building walking down the street but it was like there was no way to escape Blaine. He was everywhere he looked.

There was the café they sometimes went for breakfast if they were too lazy to make something, the park Blaine had once convinced him to go for an early morning jog, posters of parties and concerts they'd gone to were plastered all over the walls left and right. There was the shop that smelled so much like Blaine's hair gel. Down the street was a boutique that Blaine always had to stop at because they sold the most outrageous bowties. Cabs everywhere. The songs that rang out of the shops… his first thought was either  _Blaine would hate this_  or  _Blaine would love this_.

It was like the city was glowing with Blaine and instead of feeling crowded, Kurt felt overwhelmed but also  _warm_ , like when you are hit by a ray of sunlight on a cloudy day.

Kurt had never really thought about how much time he spent with Blaine. Sure, their time was normally limited to late nights and early mornings but it was never a brief encounter or time wasted with other people but them.

Blaine's words still rang in his ears. Blaine loved him. He was in love with him and Kurt felt warmth spread in his body even thinking about it. Recalling all those memories, Kurt felt stupid to not have noticed Blaine's feelings earlier.

Blaine had been smitten with him from day one. He had given Kurt so much. Hell, he had searched the whole town when he had thought that Kurt was in trouble. Blaine had been taking care of him ever since the first time they had met. A sudden dizziness made Kurt stop and lean against a wall.

But this didn't change that Kurt was not someone for commitment and relationships. Kurt was somebody for the chase and for fun and as long as that was true he couldn't lead Blaine on. He would have to break his heart. He would have to say goodbye.

The thought alone brought Kurt to the brink of tears. He didn't want to say goodbye but what was the alternative?  _Don't say goodbye then. Stay with him. Be his._  A small voice in his head whispered.

Could he do that? Once upon a time it had been all he had wanted. Somebody to love and who loved him back. Blaine had just told him this morning that Kurt was too strong to give up on his dreams and that Blaine was sure he hadn't. Was that his chance for change? He could go back and hug Blaine and whisper in his ear how much he wanted him but what if it didn't work?

What if, in a week or two, Blaine would realize that Kurt wasn't as amazing as he had thought or Kurt realized that he could not be what Blaine needed? In the end they'd both be hurt and Kurt was sure he'd fall deep if that happened. Wasn't it better to stick with what he had? What he had was good. It worked for him. But what if not? What if Blaine were his way to escape everything that had bothered him and brought him down for years now? What if he didn't need all of that to forget anymore because he had someone who believed in him and made him believe in him as well?

Was Kurt in the end just too adamant in believing that there was no way out, to reject a possibility when it did come his way, just to be right?

Kurt shook his head at the thought. It was all too much. He needed to calm down and think but all thoughts just ended at Blaine.

He looked around. He hadn't paid attention to where he was going but he was sure that he hadn't been walking in the direction of his home, when he noticed that he was just one block away from Blaine's apartment. Either he had walked straight back or in a circle. He swallowed.

Chances were high that Blaine was sitting less than a mile away from him on his couch and was crying because of him. And what for? Because Kurt was too stupid to get over himself and admit to himself and Blaine that he didn't want things to end. That he wanted to be with Blaine. That he wanted Blaine and only him. Not Adam or some other random hookup. Only Blaine.

His body and heart had known it way before his head and now that all three were on the same page Kurt began to run. Run down the street, up the stairs and to Blaine's door, knocking frenetically on it once he had reached it.

It took a moment before Blaine opened the door. His eyes were indeed red but he wasn't crying. Without another word Kurt pressed his lips against Blaine's, desperate and hard, hoping to show everything he couldn't yet say with it. Blaine took a moment to answer but then he melted against Kurt, throwing his arms around Kurt's neck and pulling him into the apartment.

When they parted, Kurt let his forehead rest against Blaine's, his arms around Blaine's waist, holding him close.

"I want you, Blaine. Only you. You mean so much to me. I can't imagine being without you. I don't want to. It hurts too much." Kurt's voice broke on the last part.

"I love you, too." Blaine breathed against his lips before he went for another kiss, slower this time, but not less desperate, their bodies pressed together, trying to feel as much of the other as possible. Kurt kissed back with all that he had. He hadn't told Blaine that he loved him. He wasn't there yet.

Still, that wouldn't stop him from showing Blaine that he did in every way possible.

Outside, the city was still glowing. Glowing with Kurt's memories of Blaine. But brightest glowed the man in Kurt's arms and Kurt intended to keep him there. Forever, if possible. His personal sunshine.

 


	9. Four Walls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Four small walls  
> You'd believe they were endless  
> Emptiness outside, the sun still rising  
> I notice the dust floating in my room  
> Adrenaline drowns out the Valium  
> Letting my head rest in my hands, I need to relax.  
> At times like that, nothing will make me move

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I don't know if I told you guys that earlier but my beta left fandom. She is as close to my heart as ever but I cannot expect her to help me creat something for something that she isn't 100% invested anymore.
> 
> That said, I had to beta my own work, which ofc, is harder than looking over someone else's work. I hope that I was able to improve what I had and I hope you all enjoy it.
> 
> My love is with all of you and thank you so much for the nice reviews. I teard up a little (a lot).

If you had asked Blaine, how he’d describe being with Kurt, he would have said that it was right. Being in a relationship with Kurt came natural to him. It was easy, like he was just floating on a high of adoration and love and finally not having to hold back everything he wanted to give.

They didn’t say it, but it was obvious to everyone around them that they were trying to make up for wasted time, finally sharing everything that had been off limits before. After Kurt’s emotional confession, Blaine had told Kurt about his family. Everything from his unappreciating father to his semi famous and annoying brother to the attack he had suffered in high school, his transfer to Dalton, where he had met his first boyfriend, to his parents’ refusal to support him emotionally or financially when he had decided to pursue his dreams of becoming a singer, actor and composer.

Kurt had blurted out that he was sorry to ever have doubted that Blaine’s life might have sucked too, which had been followed by wide eyes and a hand clutched over his mouth. Blaine had just laughed and cuddled closer to Kurt, enjoying that he was able to do that now and let himself feel perfect and good and loved by it.

It wasn’t all they shared though. As time went on - their habit of only meeting up for partying, fucking and breakfast already transitioned to coffee dates, walks in the park and (more and more often) staying in for movie nights or TV marathons - they also shared many of the nice things that had shaped their life and who they were. 

Kurt told Blaine about his family, his father Burt, his step-mother Carole and his step-brother Finn who was studying to become a music and sports teacher in New York. He told Blaine stories about glee club and all his friends and where they had gone. Many of them had found their way to New York as well or where living nearby. With others he had lost contact. Blaine grinned from ear to ear as Kurt thought out loud about calling some of them. He wasn’t sure but it felt like Kurt was considering this now because of him. Because of them.

What really made Blaine squeal though was seeing the blog Kurt had run his junior and senior year. He had taken pictures of his outfits, the drafts he had sketched and clothes he had made – male, female and unisex clothes alike.

“It’s beautiful!” Blaine had gushed while Kurt had talked him through some of his designs. “But wait… you haven’t updated it in like four years.” Blaine had seen how Kurt’s eyes had become guarded for a moment. Then he had just shrugged and smiled.

“Yeah. It got me my job at Vogue.com but after Isabelle had left I just didn’t feel like working on it anymore.”

Blaine had nodded understandingly. Kurt’s boss and his misery with his work environment had been a steady thorn in their newfound happiness. Blaine knew Kurt deserved better. He needed better because he was better than this. Nevertheless there was no sense in pushing it.

Blaine had pressed a kiss to Kurt’s temple before focusing on the PC screen again.

“It’s a shame but I understand. You are so talented and beautiful! I think I could stare at this for ours… I might incorporate it in lonely evenings when you don’t have time for me.”

“Blaine!” Kurt had squeaked, a faint blush rising in his cheeks and Blaine had just giggled, tugging Kurt’s head beneath his chin.

Blaine really had gone back many times to check on Kurt’s blog, though mostly just to admire the talent of the man he was allowed to call his boyfriend, but three weeks after their conversation there had been a new photo added to the port folio.

It had been a new one of Kurt in slightly heeled Doc Martens, a dark jeans with silver chains, a white, slim fitting dress shirt, a silk scarf tugged around his neck and a waistcoat that just accentuated his slim waist and broad shoulders. He was looking directly into the camera, his hair coifed to perfection and shining in the light. His eyes were sparkling. 

It had taken Blaine a moment to regain his senses and stop audibly whimpering. He had clicked the photo and the attached post to get a better view. As he had read the screen cap and comment his throat had tightened. It had read:

This is for a new, very special man in my life.

I know I haven’t been online in forever and kudos to those few people who still stick around and send me messages asking for my well being. I can tell you that I am perfectly fine. I just didn’t have it in me to continue this blog in a very long time.   
My life has changed recently. There is a new person in my life that helped me enjoy things I had loathed and ignored for years now.   
For some weeks now I have been bursting with joy and creativity. If you are still here, you can expect many new designs and photos from me and who knows? Maybe I’ll even have a handsome new model to present them on.  
If you ever read this B. thank you. You are my sunshine.

Blaine hadn’t noticed the tear running down his cheek until it had dropped on his keyboard. 

 

This boost in joy, creativity and everything else that is simply increased by happiness didn’t go only one way. Blaine was sure that he had never been so engaged in his roles, never so vivid when dancing or boasting with confidence when singing. 

The music he wrote also changed, an occurrence especially David and Wes were grateful for. Instead of the air of hopeless melancolly, Blaine's songs were light, cheerful, laced with a deeper understanding for love. 

Another thing was that his dream of playing this first song and many more to the mysterious stranger, did become true and not only that but it ended in Kurt crying in his arms and telling him how amazing, how talented, how special he was and how much he meant to Kurt.

They had made love right next to the piano on the living-room rug and it had been the sweetest thing Blaine had ever experienced.

He should have known that it couldn’t last forever.

 

Blaine was sitting on his bed, guitar in hand. He thoughtfully thrummed some chords, then jumped up to write something down on the piece of paper on his desk, before he fell back again and grabbed a music theory book that was lying on the ground.

Ten Days. It was all that was in his head at the moment. He had ten days left, until he would have to present his senior project and by that determine if the last three years of his life had been worth anything. Ten days to finish writing music and lyrics, to practice the songs and figure out how best to present them. Ten days and he was the only one he could rely on.

By now he regretted deciding to work on his own rather than taking an offer from some of the other students to play lead in their musical. At the time it had felt like the right to decline. Doing a play would have taken away so much possible quality Kurt time. A solo project on the other hand gave him the possibility to handle his own schedule.

It also meant that he was working alone. All by himself. Days on end. Locked in his room or occupying the living-room, musing over lyrics and rearranging notes. He couldn’t remember the last time he had gone out. Just to get a coffee or orange juice from the grocery store. He didn’t have time. He didn’t have the energy…

Well, that he didn’t have energy wasn’t quite true. He didn’t rest; he didn’t sleep a lot, instead pondering over this work for hours, without taking a break to eat or get some fresh air. 

Blaine’s gaze wandered to the clock. It was 5am. He hadn’t noticed that the sun was already rising, a faint shine through the closed curtains. He had lost any feeling for time. Working – sleeping. Working – sleeping. And repeat but he couldn’t slow down, not even if he hadn’t had to finish his work.

He changed the melody he was playing and began to sing quietly along, searching for the right mood to go with the lyrics, jumping up again and writing it down before the song left him. 

It wasn’t even that he hadn’t got enough material for his project. On the contrary, his brain was bursting with creativity, preventing him from stopping for even one second, fearing to miss the next flash of inspiration. And yet nothing felt enough.

This state of being wasn't new to him. It had happened to him before important auditions, finals or just at random times. It was like being on a natural high. His brain was working on high maintenance, his focus zooming in on himself and his work, leaving everything that didn’t belong to his creative process outside of these four walls.

A knock on the door interrupted his playing, an unusual silence filling the room, without the constant sounds from the guitar.

After a moment the door was opened and David poked his head in.

“Hey, man,” David said. His voice was calm but his smile was tense. “I heard you playing and thought you had to be awake.” Blaine just nodded absentmindedly, taking the song back up where he had been interrupted.

With a sigh David opened the door fully and stepped into the room.

“Whoa, Blaine. Did you kill something in here?” With two quick steps David had crossed the room and opened a window, taking a deep relieved breath as the fresh breeze cleared the room from the stale air.

“So, how are you doing with your senior project?” 

“I’m fine. I have enough songs. But I know I can do better.” Blaine’s voice sounded far away and he didn’t look up to answer.

“Good, good. That’s good.” David sat down on the bed, after pushing some books out of the way. “Blaine.” He clasped his hands together and as his friend still didn’t look up, snapped his fingers in front of his face.

“Do I have your attention now? Good. Blaine, I worry about you. You don’t eat and sleep properly and yes I know this is important but you can’t go on like this for another week.”

“Ten day. It's ten days. Days I just have to use. If I'm not good then, the last years will have been wasted.”

Blaine’s eyes were big, shadows prominent under his eyes. He gave his friend a small smile before going back to playing his guitar.

“I know, Blaine. But look at you – you’re a mess! I don’t think I’ve seen your hair that loose since someone threw you into a pool in junior year and I am pretty sure you haven’t changed your clothes in three days. You live off of coffee and the things Wes and I leave in the kitchen for you. Did you even call Kurt?”

“I talked to him couple days ago. I think he called… I think I called him back…”

David gaped at him. His friend had been obsessed with his first real relationship since Sebastian in high-school. Him being so thoughtless with something that was obviously so important to him was shocking.

“Maybe you should check that…” Blaine nodded but didn’t move to do so. As Blaine started to tune his guitar anew, David got up and went to the door, resigned.

“At least have breakfast with us and then sleep. You must have been up for over 20 hours now.”

“It’s too early for breakfast,” Blaine replied, trying out some chords to check the tuning.

“What are you talking about, dude? It’s past nine.” At that Blaine looked up, surprise in his face.

“Is it? Time flies. I didn’t notice. I better get back to work then. I want to finish this before I go to bed.”

David sighed again. “Alright. I’ll get you some breakfast. And leave the window open or you’ll suffocate in here. Isolate yourself – fine but please at least let air in.”

Blaine didn’t answer when David left. Ten minutes later, Wes brought him two bagels with cream cheese and fresh water. A mumbled a thank you was all he got from Blaine.

 

When Blaine woke up he felt clearer and also really miserable.

He groaned and turned in bed, hugging his pillow close.

His friends were right. After one of those creative highs the downfall was hard. He had to relax. He had to go out, just take a break and breathe.

The problem was that knowing that he had to take a break wasn't the same as actually taking one. After sleeping all day, he was down to nine days afterall.

Slowly, Blaine rolled himself out of bed and rubbed his eyes. He still felt tired but a look at his mobile told him that it was already way past 5pm. He didn’t have time to rest more.

He looked at his phone again as he got up to go through his lyrics and music again. He had four voicemails and even more missed calls. Blaine fell down on his chair and called his mailbox, putting it on speaker phone while he collected his papers.

“Friday, 8:03pm” the woman from his mailbox called out.

“Blaine! Where the fuck are you? We got tickets for this damn show months ago! If you don’t call me back within five minutes I’ll give away your ticket and go in with Nick alone! Call me when you’re out of your cave again. Asshole.”

Blaine felt a little guilty. This message was over a week old! He remembered buying tickets for it. He should have at least cancelled with Jeff. Well, it was too late now. He’d still of course call his friend. As soon as he was done with school. He deleted the message and the next one began to play.

“Saturday, 10:54am”

“Hey, Blaine. It’s Kurt. Again, thanks for your text. You said you were busy and would call me… well, it’s been two days now and I am getting a little anxious over here. So… call me. I’ll be home all weekend so call me whenever you find the time. Lo… Lots to do! See you. Call me….. Bye.”

Blaine had sat up straighter while listening to the message. It too was already a week old. He had texted Kurt but it had been over a week now? He was a terrible boyfriend! Kurt might have sat at home all weekend, waiting for a call that would never come.

He was about to call his boyfriend when he thought better of it, saving the voice mail and listening to the next.

 

“Monday, 5:20pm”

“Blaine. I sat at home all weekend waiting for your call. I ran into your roommate earlier. He said you were busy with school and that you’d call me. Yeah. Well, that’s okay. But why don’t you tell me that yourself? I mean, I know I’m not the best at this relationship stuff but as far as I know that would be the appropriate thing to do. I’m ranting. Forget it. See you around and call me when you can.”

This message sounded angrier but there was also hurt just below the surface and it made Blaine’s heart ache with guilt. He swallowed hard as he saved the voice mail and waited for the next to play.

 

“Thursday, 9:15am”

“So. It’s been exactly seven days now since you contacted me in any way possible. You are busy. Fine. But sorry if I don’t believe that you can't at least take your phone in hand and assure me that you are still alive.” Blaine heard a deep sigh coming from Kurt, his voice defeated when he spoke again. “You know if you don’t want to see me that’s fine but just tell me, okay?” 

Blaine felt like they had put ice into this stomach. He felt cold all over, the feeling making him shiver. Kurt sounded devastated and it was Blaine's fault. That wasn’t what he had wanted. Working on this own schedule should have given him the possibility to be there for Kurt and not end up with them growing apart! He had been. Had been there for Kurt 24/7 until the work had been so much he couldn't lay it of for another minute.

Blaine shook his head to clear his thoughts and keep the panic away. He couldn’t blame any of this on anyone but himself. Kurt hadn’t asked him to spend so much time with him in the beginning and Kurt hadn’t told him to choose this project so they could. It had been Blaine’s choice and now he had to deal with the consequences of that.

How could he make this right? 

Blaine looked at all his papers. The half finished songs and scratched out notes, the calendar on his desk showing how little time he had to finish the whole concert. He could already hear his brother patronizing him. “It’s okay Squirt. We always knew I was the creative in the family. Broadway is dead anyway.” His mother smiling at him with pity. “It was a long shot dear. Even with a degree there would have been no certainty for a giant gap or whatever you people call it.” And his father, looking like he hadn’t expected differently. “Well, son, I won’t say that I hadn’t told you so. Maybe you’ll come to your senses now and do something worth your time and my money.”

Blaine closed his eyes and tried to ban those thoughts from his mind. That couldn’t be his priority right now. Kurt was one of the most important things in his life and nothing, not even music, had ever made him as happy as Kurt has. He couldn’t stop completely but he had to assure Kurt that what was happening was beyond both their control and plead with him to just wait for Blaine for another week.

David and Kurt were right. No matter how busy or distracted he was, he had to think of the people important in his life and making a call wasn’t too much to ask.

He took the phone from where it was still lying on his desk and speed dialed Kurt’s number. He bit his lip while waiting, counting the rings in his ear.

“Hello?” Kurt appeared at the other end after several rings.

“Kurt? Hi, it’s me. Blaine.” Blaine drew his bitten lip into his mouth. He didn’t know what else to say.

“Oh, Blaine. Yeah, that does ring a bell. You’re the guy who claims to be my boyfriend, right? Though I don’t actually know how justified that is after ignoring me for over a week.” Kurt’s voice was sharp and angry but Blaine could hear the hurt in his voice.

“Kurt, I’m sorry. I am so very, very sorry. You have no idea. There is no excuse. I am just really, really busy at the moment and my senior project is due in a little over a week. I was just so buried in work that I didn’t think straight. Forgive me? Please? I’ll make it up to you. I will I swear. I will explain everything when I’ve handed my project in.” 

He bit his tongue, stopping himself from rambling further. It took a moment until Kurt answered.

“So basically what you’re saying is that you were too busy to send me a text or call because of school and then turned to ignoring my calls and voice mails and now you’re sorry and ask me to wait for another week until you tell me what the fuck is going on and make up for it?”

Blaine swallowed.

“Ten days but yes,” he whispered. This didn’t sound good. Kurt’s voice was cold as ice. Blaine could practically see Kurt right now, arms defensively over his chest, head slightly tilted, jar clenched and foot tapping. It was as beautiful as it was intimidating.

“Come again,” Kurt demanded.

“I said ten days. Nine until I have to hand it in and perform and that will most likely take all day so the day after that we can meet. So, if you do the math it’s ten days.”

“Don’t get clever with me now, Blaine. I spent the last week being worried about you. And then feeling stupid for being worried and then angry at myself for being stupid. I will not do that for another ten days. I am coming over right now and we're going to talk and we’re going to say what we have to say. I’ll be there in half an hour.”

“But Kurt!” Blaine exclaimed, his voice getting slightly desperate. The only thing that answered him was the peeping of a dead line. Kurt had already hung up.

Blaine looked around and started to panic. David had told him but until now he hadn’t realized how truly a mess his room and he himself were.

Every surface was covered with papers and books, dirty dishes and glasses were standing everywhere and his bed sheets hadn’t been changed in a week. 

He passed his mirror while trying to pick up as many dirty clothes as possible and his eyes widened comically as he caught a glimpse of himself. His curls were standing in all directions only kept slightly into place due to the grease that comes with not showering in three days. The shadows under his eyes were deep and his scruff was slowly but steadily turning into a beard.

Loudly cursing, he stumbled out of his room and into the bathroom, discarding the dirty clothes and quickly brushing his teeth. He was nearly out of the door when he thought better of it, undressing and putting everything he had on down to his boxers into the hamper.

Back in his room he tried to get as much dirty dishes in one go, nearly slipping barefooted as he tried to maneuver himself and his dishes into the kitchen. He had just dropped the dirty glasses and plates into the sink as he heard a low whistles behind his back.

“You’re up. And nearly naked,” David said, after eyeing the nearly naked form of his friend. 

“Also, I think some of that broke,” Wes added, just as wide eyed, in response to the dangerously loud sound the dishes had made when colliding with the solid sink.

The friends were seated on the living room couch where they had read the papers, though they had stopped doing that in favor of staring at their best friend.

“Kurt’s coming over,” was all Blaine managed to get out before hurrying back to his room, his friends on his heels.

“Kurt’s coming over?” David inquired as soon as they were standing in Blaine’s door.

“Yes, I called him and apologized for not calling and he was angry and said he’d come over,” Blaine called over his shoulder, while trying to collect all his papers without destroying his chaotic but working order.

“So, that’s all it took? A call from your boyfriend and you’re out of your haze and in a cleaning fit?” Wes asked in disbelieve. Blaine hummed distractedly.

“Oh, man. If we’d known that we’d called that guy a week ago.” David sighed, already turning to go.

“Yeah, well who knows. He sounded really angry. What if he’ll break up with me over my own stupid stupidity.”

“That was pleonastic,” Wes declared and as Blaine just glared at him he added, “I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

“Why would I? You’ve been here. I was a terrible boyfriend and I’ll continue to be one for at least another week because I have to fucking pass this fucking project so excuse me while I freak out here.”

“He’s really important to you, isn’t he?” David asked, his tone softer than before.

“Of course he is. I’m in love with him, David and I let him slip away because I fell down in one of those weird creative holes. If I lose him because of that I will never forgive myself.” Blaine’s eyes were huge and desperate and not for the first time he reminded his best friends of a kicked puppy.

They shared a look before, focusing on their friend again who had turned to collect books and put them back on their shelves.

“You know we’re not a big fan of your … party doll but if he gets you out of bed, something we tried numerous times over the past few years… he’s worth our blessing,” Wes said.

“Don’t call him that,” Blaine mumbled, trying to get a sock on one handed.

“Blaine, will you slow down and listen to us for a moment?” Blaine stopped and looked up.

“What we are saying is: We were unfair and prejudiced and we didn’t give him a chance. We were worried about you before you guys went steady and it seems like we haven’t…” Wes turned to David for help.

“Caught on to the new circumstances yet. But if he means so much to you we will be good friends.”

“Meaning?” Blaine asked blankly, his eyes twitching to the clock. 18 minutes left.

“Meaning: Get the fuck into the shower! You smell like something dead crawled under your skin, bro! We’ll take care of your room!” Wes yelled and shooed Blaine out of his room as soon as the smaller man had stood up.

Blaine grinned relieved when he turned on the shower. He could hear his friends tidying up his room and doing the dishes. He had never been more thankful to have them.

 

“How do I look?” Blaine asked the other two men 15 minutes later as he left the bathroom, still barefooted.

“Better?” Wes asked and David nodded. Blaine was freshly showered, his curls still standing in every direction but somewhat kept into place by the dampness the shower had left behind. He was wearing an undershirt and sweat-pants, his face freshly shaven.

The treatment hadn’t been able to do anything against the sacks under his eyes though, or the hunted look in them.

“You look less... homeless?” David suggested, over the rim of his newspaper.

“Maybe that’s a bad thing?” Wes asked and as David just stared at him he continued, “Like, if he’d looked as bad as he did fifteen minutes ago Kurt might have pitied him… now he looks nearly too good to sell his story.”

“Oh my god! He’s going to break up with me,” Blaine squeaked and David gave Wes a disapproving look.

“Calm down, Blaine! You still have us to testify how truly miserable and weird you were the past days now get your shit together. You’re making me really nervous and the whole situation is already messed up enough. Really, I never understood why you even get this way.”

Blaine leaned against the counter and looked at the clock. He anticipated the doorbell ringing any minute.

“I don’t know… maybe it’s the pressure that sort of let’s my focus on reality slip? Maybe it’s just that I need to be as good as possible, so I stop thinking about anything that could get in the way of that… I really don’t know. It works out so it’s pretty much all I care.” Blaine shrugged only to tense when the doorbell rang.

“Yeah, works perfectly. Obviously, or we wouldn’t have to look out for you not starving or rescuing your relationship. Works out indeed.” David snickered over Wes murmuring but Blaine was too focused on waiting for Kurt to pay them attention.

He was nervous. Talking to Kurt had pulled him out of his creative haze, like a man being saved from drowning, finally leaving the numbing water and breathing. But he was scared. He knew how much he felt for Kurt – evidently even more than he had thought because no one had ever managed to get him out of this state of being – but he also knew if Kurt chose to leave him now, and he had every reason to, Blaine would fall into a hole of a whole different kind.

He swallowed hard as Kurt got into view. He looked stunning and as soon as Kurt stood before him Blaine didn’t know how he had gone more than a day without seeing him. He ached to hug the taller man, to pull him close and burry his nose in his neck and just breathe.

The look in Kurt’s eyes stopped him though. As he had imagined earlier they were cold and hard, steel turning into the color of the troubled sea as they caught Blaine’s eyes.

“Hello Wes, David,” Kurt greeted the other two men in the room, as soon as he had passed Blaine, sparing him nothing more than a nod. “Your room?” Kurt asked, already walking towards it and Blaine hurried to close the door and follow.

As Blaine entered behind Kurt, Kurt was standing in the middle and looking around, confused.

“It looks different…?” Kurt asked, the ice had faded a little from his voice and Blaine felt a glimpse of hope.

“You should have seen it when I called. I… I tend to get really invested when I have to work on something important and then I sort of don’t do anything except that…” Blaine mumbled, awkwardly stepping from one bare foot to the other.

“Not do anything like calling your boyfriend…?” Kurt questioned, one perfectly shaped eyebrow raised and Blaine nodded.

Kurt turned away, inspecting the neatly stacked notes and music sheets on Blaine’s desk. Blaine debated waiting for Kurt to make a move for a moment before hesitantly stepping closer.

“Kurt, I am really, really sorry. I know I should have warned you about this … I don’t even know how to call it… but it happens from time to time. I am sorry for not calling and I really, really hope you can forgive me. It had nothing to do with us or what I feel for you…” Blaine stepped even closer, laying his hand on Kurt’s shoulder but Kurt tensed under the touch.

“I was so fucking worried.” Kurt’s voice wasn’t ice anymore. It was anything but. His voice was angry but shaking with something that Blaine could only name as relief. Slowly, Blaine let his hands slide down Kurt’s back until he could grab his sides and turn Kurt to face him.

Kurt’s cheeks were slightly red and his eyes were glistening with unshed tears. Blaine had no idea if they were angry, happy or sad but Blaine had to hold him close, pulling him in and wrapping his arms around the taller man. Kurt froze for a moment before he wrapped his arms around Blaine’s shoulders, burying his hands in Blaine’s curls and tugging hard. Blaine didn’t know if Kurt needed to hurt Blaine a little or just wanted to feel him but he didn’t mind either way.

The embrace only lasted seconds before Kurt pulled back holding Blaine at arm’s length.

“We still need to talk,” Kurt said, his voice softer now as he maneuvered Blaine to sit on the bed.

Blaine sat and waited for Kurt to talk. He was still nervous but not afraid of what would come anymore. He could deal with worry. Worry was good. It showed that Kurt cared. He’d take it over anger or resentment any day.

“This won’t work like this, Blaine.” Blaine tensed, mouth opening immediately to disagree with anything that implied that they didn’t fit but Kurt beat him to it.

“No, Blaine. Listen. You can’t act like you did the past week. I know I’m not the most reliable source when it comes to dos and don’ts in relationships but shutting me out, ignoring me and making me worry are definite don’ts in my book. Don’t you agree?” Blaine nodded.

“It’s not only that though…” Kurt kneeled down between Blaine’s legs and looked him into his eyes. “It hurt me, Blaine. You hurt me. When you’re busy that’s okay. I can take care of myself but tell me why and for how long. All week I was torn between being angry with you for ignoring you, being miserable because this ominous what if was haunting me and feeling stupid because all I wanted was come over and tell you all that but was afraid to come over as needy…” Blaine’s hand came up automatically, framing Kurt’s face. Kurt leaned into the touch and smiled.

“But before anything else I want to know what was going on. You look horrible and your room looks all wrong…” Blaine had to smile at that because of course Kurt would notice that it hadn't been him cleaning up his room.

“Okay, it’s not really that difficult to explain. Sometimes, mostly when I have an important deadline… like my senior project… I sort of disappear from everyday life. You can’t talk to me or get me to do stuff because I am so into what I am doing, writing, composing that I forget the world outside. It was worse this time because I was on an important deadline and working alone. You should have seen me this morning… or like half an hour ago. I was a mess… I mean more of a mess than now.” Blaine smiled, ducking his head.

“What do you mean by mess because to be frank you don’t look too good now…” 

“Like… I hadn’t showered in couple of days, or shaved and often I forget to sleep or eat… or both…” Blaine said it succinctly but Kurt took in a sharp breath.

“Blaine, don’t you know how unhealthy that is?” Kurt gave him one of his bitch glares and for once Blaine loved getting it.

“Yes, I know but I just can’t control it.” He shrugged and Kurt rolled his eyes.

“I feel like you’re missing something here,” Kurt said, still glaring at him and as Blaine just looked at him quizzically he continued. “This,” he motioned between the two of them, “Goes both ways. Blaine, you have given me so much. You listen to me and bear with me even when I’m bitchy and unreasonable. I want to be the same for you… and if that means dragging you to shower or put you into bed or reminding you to eat… even locking away your guitar, I will do it. I want to be there for you when no one else is. I mean… if that works for you…” Kurt looked unsure but determined and Blaine’s heard melted at that.

“I’d love that. To be honest, you’re the only one to ever have gotten me out of one of my hazes.” He smiled when Kurt’s face lit up. 

“See!” Blaine chuckled at Kurt’s smug enthusiasm.

“There is only one condition.” Kurt’s voice got serious again but his smile betrayed him.

“Go ahead,” Blaine encouraged.

“I have every right to come over any time I deem appropriate to call you out when you ignore me and if you ever call me needy I have every right to slap you and cry and yell because I’m not I just really like you and miss you when you’re not around and I just l… like being with you.” Kurt grinned bashfully and Blaine had to grin back when he felt the cheeks under his hands get hotter when Kurt started blushing.

“I’m okay with all of it. And I’m sorry, Kurt. You’re the most important person in my life and I love you. I should have never kept you away. I vow not to do it ever again.”

“I guess I believe you. This time.” Kurt turned his head to kiss Blaine’s wrist before standing up.

“Okay and now. Get up and get your guitar.” The tall man flopped down on the bed and scooted up all the way to the headboard as Blaine did as he was told. “Good and now sit down and show me what you have. Beside awesome cuddles I also offer amazing expertise in music and will tell you what I think will need more work. That and really really wanting to be close to you.”

Kurt blushed again and with a wide grin Blaine settled down between Kurt’s legs and let Kurt hug him from behind, as he started to play.


	10. I'm in love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During all the crazy and the chaos  
> Are you the calm island I need  
> Even, if I doubt so much in this world  
> I will never doubt you.  
> You are the last thing on my mind when I fall asleep,  
> And my first thought when I wake.

When Blaine woke up the Saturday after graduating from college, his first thought was dedicated to Kurt. Blaine beamed. That happening wasn’t exactly new or unusual but it was so much better to do it, when he knew that he’d spent the whole day, strike that, the whole weekend with his boyfriend.

He jumped out of bed, bouncing up and down like a super ball, getting ready for his day. Throughout the shower and searching for an outfit the wide grin on his face didn’t falter. If possible it only got bigger.

But how could it not?

He was a NYU _graduate_ , graduated with the best of marks and recommendations. He had a bright future ahead and he had the most amazing boyfriend anyone could ever ask for.

A boyfriend who had brought him through the craziest time of his life so far. When Kurt had suggested to help Blaine with his project, to care for him, support him and cheer him on, a part of Blaine had accepted the offer for Kurt’s and their relationship’s sake, not his own. When he had left the stage nine days later, flushed and nervous but the proudest he had ever been of any of his work, he didn’t know how he had ever managed to work without Kurt.

Kurt was both, his muse and his strictest critic. His passion and attention to what Blaine did, heck, his mere presence got Blaine to work better than he had been able to in the haze he had been in before. Besides, Kurt had an exquisite taste and to get a content sigh out of him, to see a gleam of pride and excitement in Kurt’s eyes, became Blaine’s new goal in composing. When Kurt said something wasn’t right, he was able to describe exactly what, throwing balls back and forth with Blaine in the creative process, creating not music but magic together.

Besides that, his living conditions also improved thanks to Kurt. Kurt made him take breaks, _made_ meaning everything between bribery, seduction and pure violence. Kurt took away his guitar, threatened to burn his bow ties, kissed him until he forgot what he was working on anyways or that one time when Wes and David were out, poked his head in, after Blaine had refused for two hours to have dinner, saying with a sly smile “ _Dinner is on the table and by table I mean on me. Naked. With food. On the table.”_

Food play had never been a thing for Blaine but the perspective of having fruit salad and ice cream from the naked skin of his alluring boyfriend made concentrating on work way too hard to even try.

Besides the eating, Kurt made him shower and sleep and clean up and for some reason Blaine still felt more productive and less stressed than ever before an important event. Kurt’s presence and calmness were pure balm for his nerves.

Blaine looked in the mirror, fully dressed now, putting the final touch to his styled hair. Kurt had mentioned that he liked tangling his fingers in the hair at the back of his neck… since then Blaine had toned down the gel a little. He couldn’t deny that Kurt petting his neck was one of the nicest feelings in the world and he wouldn’t discourage it in any way.

A look at the clock told Blaine that it was close to 10am. Kurt should be picking him up in under an hour. In celebration of his success and really in gratitude for Kurt’s help, Blaine had decided to make this weekend special and memorable for Kurt. He hadn’t planned anything extraordinary but he did want to do everything to make Kurt happy and make up for the mess of a boyfriend he had been.

With a grin stuck on his face Blaine entered the living-room/kitchen area to find Wes and David discussing the Saturday morning news and football stats over breakfast. They greeted him with a distracted but friendly good morning before continuing their debate.

  
Happy to stick to his own thoughts as company, Blaine made himself a bagel before joining his friends at the counter, not really keeping up with their conversation.

“You are crazy.” David just said, getting up and putting away his plate. “I’m outta here.” And with another headshake, he was out the door.

“He okay?” Blaine asked absentmindedly.

“Yeah, he’ll be fine. He just can’t take a good political debate. Or his team being sore losers just like himself.” Wes rolled his eyes before smiling at Blaine. “So, what are your plans for the day?”

“Kurt’s coming over in a bit. I have plans for my first free weekend in forever.” Automatically, Blaine’s eyes went to the clock on the wall checking how long it would be until Kurt came. When he turned his head back, his friend's teasing smile had turned forced, his eyebrows furrowed.

“I gather from that, that you two are still… going strong?” Wes voice was light but it had an edge to it, like Wes was holding back.

“Of course we are. He has just pulled me through my deepest funk ever. Why wouldn’t we? He’s amazing.” Wes nodded, his features showing worry.

“Yeah, he really did do that. It’s just…” Wes paused for a moment, examining Blaine’s face. “I’ll just say it. We are worried Blaine. You are really… caught up in this. In him. I mean we get love. We’ve all been there. Don’t get me wrong but … the way you met and the way he treated you at the beginning. I mean. Months, Blaine. Not one fucked up first date, but months of partying and fucking, yes we heard, thank you very much, and just him not… _caring_ for you like you’re worth it.”

  
Blaine bit his lip. He had heard this before. Not ultimately condensed like this and also not that clearly said but the looks and comments had been coming ever since the first time Kurt had stayed over. Wes was a good friend and Blaine would let him finish and then clear out his worries though it was hard to hear him degrade his relationship like that.

“We just don’t want you to get hurt… again. You’re better than that, Blaine.” Wes eyes were full of honest concern and despite the little voice that was screaming inside Blaine’s head that Wes was overstepping and getting it all wrong, there was also warmth settling into his stomach at hearing how much his best friends cared for him.

“I really appreciate you guys looking out for me but you have to admit that Kurt cares! I mean he practically put his life on halt for a week just to help me when I was stuck in chaos. I know we didn’t meet under the best of circumstances but that we actually met is a miracle in itself. Twice sort of. Besides, Kurt has his own demons to fight and I help him as much with his as he helps me with mine. Please, Wes. Believe me. He is good for me. He makes me happy.” Blaine smiled brightly, trying to lay all of his confidence and content into his eyes as he slightly squeezed his friends hand.

Wes was silent for a moment, seemingly searching Blaine’s expression for the slightest sign of doubt or unhappiness. Finding none, he leant back and nodded.

“Do you love him?” Wes asked, in a voice he usually used when practicing cross examination for one of his law classes.

“Duh.” Blaine replied, rolling his eyes. At this point he had both expressed it in words and action often enough for his friend to know. It was also the moment the bell rang and Blaine stood up to answer it.

He pressed the button of the intercom.

“Kurt?” He asked, feeling Wes’ eyes still on him.

“Yes, honey. It’s me. Shall I come up?” Even over the cracking intercom Blaine could make out the warmth in Kurt’s voice at the pet name.

  
“No, don’t worry. I’ll get my coat and be down in a sec.”

Blaine spurted to his room to get everything he needed, light spring coat, money and cell, slipping his bare feet into shoes, before going back to the door. Wes was still watching him.

“Does he love you?” Wes asked, arms crossed over his chest, his eyes still fixed on Blaine.

“Of course he does.” Blaine answered exasperated, his hand already on the handle.

“Did he say that?” Wes asked as Blaine walked out. For a moment Blaine’s steps faltered before he caught himself and let the door fall closed, not showing that Wes had startled him.

Kurt hadn’t said it. That didn’t mean that he didn’t in fact love him. Blaine shook his shoulders a little, like trying to get off a spider without touching it. He wouldn’t let Wes or, worse, doubt destroy the perfect happiness that was supposed to be this day.

When he met up with Kurt outside his house, he was greeted with a content smile, a lingering kiss and a held out hand. If that wasn’t love, Blaine was sure the mere possibility of its existence had been a lie all along.

 

 

“So, what are our plans for the day?” Kurt asked as they wandered down the street. “You didn’t tell me what you’re up to.” Kurt gave him a crooked grin and Blaine squeezed the hand he was still holding.

“Can’t stand a little secret, Mr. Hummel?” Blaine teased and Kurt rolled his eyes.

“I just don’t like being out of the loop.” Blaine chuckled.

“Well, I wasn’t being secretive. I don’t have big plans, except making this day as wonderful as possible for you.” Blaine stopped for a moment, so Kurt had to turn and look him straight in the eye. “You’ve been the most amazing partner over the past week while I haven’t. Let me take care of you today. You chose. Whatever you want to do. I’ll make it worth your while. This is _your_ day.”

Kurt was silent for a moment just staring at his boyfriend, clearly taken aback.

“You know you don’t need to make up for anything, right? This isn’t a contest.” Kurt said hesitantly, his eyes bright but unsure. Blaine let his head hang and shook it, a different kind of smile spreading on his face. Small. Private. Amused. A smile that said _oh Kurt that’s so you and I adore every bit._

“No, Kurt. Of course it isn’t. I am just grateful for having you in my life and though I sort of hope to make that known on an everyday basis… I want to dedicate this day to showing you and if it’s only by doing whatever you want to do.”

“Whatever I want?” Kurt asked his lips quirking up, a mischievous look in his eyes.

“Yes.” Blaine breathed, when Kurt stepped close, pleasantly invading Blaine’s personal space. “Whatever you want. Where ever as well.”

Blaine moved forward and caught Kurt’s lips in a kiss. Their hands were still intertwined between them as Blaine let Kurt guide their kiss, a strong press of lips before Kurt tilted his head and started moving more purposefully. Immediately, Blaine opened his mouth, pliant as Kurt’s tongue invaded it.

Blaine whimpered as Kurt’s other hand came up to squeeze at his hip. Drowning in Kurt’s touch was just as easy as losing himself in touching Kurt. Receiving and being taken coming just as easily as giving and taking.

With another swipe behind Blaine’s teeth and a suck to Blaine’s lower lip that both made him moan, Kurt broke the kiss and stepped back again. Kurt looked positively smug when he noticed Blaine’s disheveled state.

“Mhh, I’d say that was a nice start to a perfect day. Okay, I just feel like doing anything _with_ you basically. How about we get you a nice bowtie celebrating that my stunning, talented boyfriend is a college graduate?” Blaine blushed lightly, happy at Kurt’s praise but else only started to walk towards one of their favorite clothing stores.

 

 

Spending the day with Kurt was pure bliss. Blaine had expected doing the things Kurt wanted would be fun but also maybe a little like work but in the end the things Kurt liked doing were also the things Blaine liked.

So, they spend the day walking around the shops in their neighborhood, Blaine letting Kurt dress him or making appreciative comments when Kurt left the changing rooms in another gorgeous outfit. The day was hot for late May so they got iced coffees and sat down on a bench in the nearby park. They kept holding hands while watching the people enjoying the sun or just passing by.

“The sun should burn her for wearing a top like that.” Kurt would say in a shocked tone looking at a sunbathing girl with a horrid outfit and Blaine would giggle.

“I bet they spent their whole life together. They met in this park and now they take a walk here every weekend when the sun is out and they feel fit enough for it.” Blaine would whisper, dreamy eyes when noticing an old couple slowly walking down a path. Kurt would look over to Blaine with a shy smile and squeeze his hand before leaning in to press a sweet little kiss to Blaine’s cheek that would make him blush.

They would laugh at the children playing among themselves or chasing their parents across the playground.

Kurt and Blaine just got up when their coffees were finished and the clock tower in the middle of the park told them it was time to catch dinner. As they searched for a restaurant to eat at, Blaine listened to the music filling out into the street from the open doors.

Most of the restaurants played romantic music, either classic melodies or modern pop ballads. Blaine found himself humming along to some of them. With a giggle Blaine realized how odd that would have been for the person he had been some months prior. Sure, he had always loved music but especially cheesy songs had made him think about how lonely he had been. He wasn’t lonely anymore and the things that people might label as _cheesy_ in the songs he heard, were now things he could relate to.

The happy grin on his face threatened to split his face in half for what must have been the thousands time that day. Kurt didn’t even ask anymore what made Blaine so happy because each time he had asked the answer had been a shy but earnest: _“you”_.

“That was amazing.” Kurt beamed as they left the movie theater. After dinner they had wandered around the neighborhood until Kurt had spotted the poster for a late night screening of Moulin Rouge. Well, in fact it had been a Red Curtain Trilogy marathon but by the time Kurt dragged Blaine inside they had only been able to catch Moulin Rouge.

“It was.” Blaine sniffed, eyes till a little puffy from crying. He would have been embarrassed hadn’t Kurt cried just as much as he had.

“Oh honey, that movie didn’t spoil your evening, did it?” Kurt cooed and pulled Blaine closer wrapping his arm across Blaine’s shoulders. Blaine automatically wound his arm around Kurt’s waist and leant into his side.

“No, of course not. I never enjoyed this movie as much as tonight. Wes and David like a good musical from time to time but they are fed up with me crying over it every single time so I don’t watch it with them anymore.” Blaine paused a moment before admitting: “I tried to watch it with a boy I went out once… like a long time ago… but he only got bored and made fun of me for getting emotional.”

Kurt was silent for a moment before tightening his grip and pressing a kiss to Blaine’s temple.

“I don’t know him but I can tell you that guy was a prick. You deserve better.”

“Better like you?” Blaine teased and Kurt coughed.

“I might offer my service in trying.”

“Well, I can tell you that your attempt is fairly appreciated.” Blaine’s voice had gone to a sly whisper. He could see Kurt’s eyes darken.

“Is that so? I guess I should take you back to my place then and… make an effort.”

Blaine’s breath caught in his throat. It wasn’t like he had never been at Kurt’s place but in contrast to the many times Kurt had been at his place, he could count the occasions he had been over at Kurt’s. Kurt had never addressed it but Blaine was sure that Kurt liked to be in a place that he wouldn’t associate with his life outside their relationship, with his work and related struggle.

“Yeah. Yeah… I think that would… work.” Kurt grinned at Blaine’s adorable stutter and soon they were heading for Kurt’s apartment.

Kurt’s apartment wasn’t big but for a mid twenty guy living in New York City on his own it was pretty roomy. The interior was tasteful but also homey, having many personal touches with pictures and other sentimental items scattered across the room. It was also obvious though that most of the pictures were at least 5 years old, the only new addition being a family picture that showed Kurt the way he looked today. Blaine didn’t get much chance to look around more though because as soon as they entered the flat, Kurt pushed him towards the bedroom, attacking his mouth and neck while already undressing him on the way.

“Blaine, you are so.” _Kiss._ “Amazing.” _Kiss._ “Don’t” Blaine flopped down on the bed, shirt already off and pants open. Kurt straddled him to attack his neck, sucking and biting the skin, soothing his tongue over it as it started to redden. Blaine moaned, stretching his neck to give Kurt better access.

Kurt let his mouth wander up to Blaine’s ear, seemingly catching back on to his previous thought after he had toyed with Blaine’s earlobe, caressing the soft and sensitive skin with his tongue.

“Don’t know what I’d do without you.” Kurt whispered into his ear and Blaine’s heart throbbed. There was so much emotion and sincerity in Kurt’s voice. So much _love_ without needing to use the word.

Kurt made quick work of their clothes, spreading Blaine out on the bed and worshipping every patch of skin that got exposed, his belly, his thighs, sucking at his nipples and caressing the soft skin of his sides. He pressed and kissed adoration into Blaine’s body and Blaine was losing himself in the touch and feeling, an endless stream of moans, sighs and _I love you_ ’s falling from his lips.

As Kurt finally took him into his mouth, Blaine arched of the bed, the wet heat of Kurt’s mouth enveloping his cock and after all the teasing pushing all his buttons. Kurt’s tongue was practiced and quick, pushing, caressing, teasing and as Kurt started to hollow his cheeks and lick at his slit Blaine felt close to coming already.

Kurt’s eyes were open, fixed on Blaine’s face, taking in every emotion and sensation passing over it. Kurt looked younger like this, despite the suggestive action. His bangs were fighting their way out of his perfectly coiffed hair style, his eyes shining bright, while his full lips were beautifully stretched around Blaine’s dick. He was beautiful. He was _Blaine’s._

The thought hit Blaine so suddenly and it made his heart beat even faster. Blaine’s hand came to rest on Kurt’s cheek, cupping Kurt’s face, feeling his own dick in Kurt’s mouth for a moment, before gliding into the soft hair.

“Kurt, please, so close, come up here. Let me kiss you.“ Blaine gasped out. He could feel Kurt’s lips stretching into a grin around his cock before Kurt pulled off with an obscene pop. In a second Kurt was straddling him again and searching for his mouth, tongues mingling as soon as they met.

Blaine got lost in their slow grinding and dancing tongues but this day had been about Kurt and he wanted to end it being about Kurt. Blaine pulled back, cradling Kurt’s face in one hand, while stilling his hips with the other.

“Let me make you feel good.” Blaine whispered. He didn’t know why he whispered. There was no one to hear them, but speaking normally felt too loud, destroying the silent closeness and intimacy between them. Kurt simply nodded, nuzzling his check into Blaine’s hand for a moment and placing a small kiss at his wrist.

Blaine rolled them over, getting the lube out of Kurt’s nightstand. He worshipped Kurt’s chest and neck while working first one, two, then three fingers into Kurt. Kurt was panting and moaning, his hips moving with Blaine’s fingers while his hands were knotted into Blaine’s hair, loosening the curls from the gel and keeping Blaine’s lips on his skin.

“Blaine, so good to me. Mean everything. Never. Without you.” Kurt chanted between moans and cries of pleasure, still never using this one word that Blaine hadn’t known he needed so much to hear from him.

“Please, now. Need you. Fuck me, Blaine.” Kurt panted and Blaine complied. Quickly he rolled a condom on himself, trying not to disturb the moment by pressing little kisses to Kurt’s sensitive thighs.

Kurt wrapped his legs around Blaine’s waist, his hands finding their way back into Blaine’s hair and for a second time that night Blaine was surrounded by heat, a different kind of heat, as he pushed into Kurt. He could feel the tension leaving Kurt’s body as he stopped when he was all the way inside.

Slowly, he began to move, first slowly and then when Kurt’s quiet whimpers turned into desperate moans, harder and faster. They were so close, tangled together, mouths finding each other again and again, just to press lightly or breath each other in, that Blaine hadn’t much space to really pull out but like this it felt even more intimate. It was slower, more a steady simmering then an erupting fire.

At least it was until Blaine felt his orgasm hit him like a wave crushing at the shore, slowly approaching but when it hit it did with force. He cried out and buried his face in the crook of Kurt’s neck when he came. He could feel Kurt’s dick, hot and slick between their stomachs, their movement just providing enough friction to send Kurt over the edge shortly after him, shooting come all over their stomachs.

Blaine pressed sweet little kisses to Kurt’s collarbone as he felt Kurt’s grip loosening in his hair and he pulled back a little to see Kurt in the eyes. They were bright, shining in their afterglow, lazy and full of contentment. Kurt smiled when their eyes met, neck craning up to put a lingering kiss to Blaine’s lips.

“Mhh, we gotta get cleaned up.” Kurt mumbled as he let his head fall back to the pillow. “You should also probably pull out. As much as I love the feeling of a nice cock in my ass that’s going to hurt otherwise.” Blaine giggled at that, carefully pulling out to make both of them as little uncomfortable as possible. He threw the tied up condom away and cleaned both of them as well as possible before snuggling back into bed with Kurt.

Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine and rested his head on Blaine’s chest.

“Thank you.” Kurt whispered into the silence and darkness of the room.

“For what?” Blaine asked, his hand lazily caressing Kurt’s back.

“For being with me.” Kurt paused for a moment. “For loving me.”

Blaine’s heart speeded up but Kurt didn’t say anything else. The question was on the tip of Blaine’s tongue _Do you love me?_ with all the possible answers and pain it could provide.

But he didn’t ask. Instead he pressed a kiss to the top of Kurt’s head and breathed in the smell of the man he loved in.

“Thanks for letting me love you.” He whispered, trying to be content with Kurt snuggling into him further and sighing happily. Kurt loved him in action. That was all he needed. In the end it was what counted.


	11. Hey gurl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's neither you nor me,  
> No one's to blame when the chemestry's just not right  
> If there is no reason to stay, we should both just go  
> I don't know what brought this on  
> But love doesn't always come

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always sadly a little unbetaed and far far too fucking late. I'm sorry. Life. Things. Stuff.

_Are you there yet, baby? I’m sorry, I’m late. This guy from the club chewed my ear of ;) Get yourself a coffee. I’m on my way._

Kurt stared at the text fondly. He found it cute that Blaine insisted on proper grammar and spelling in texts. With a sigh he got up and got himself a coffee. He wasn’t mad at Blaine.

How could he be? Since Blaine’s graduation couple of months ago, Blaine’s life had been crazy. There was just so much to decide on! Blaine’s parents were pressing him to get a proper job or if he really did have to pursue a career in the music business to at least take up a master program to become something classy like a conductor.

Blaine himself wasn’t so sure where he was headed. He had played even more gigs at pubs and clubs than before, his taxi being nearly forgotten, as he was paid well enough to make ends meet and consider paying for his master. But what would he study? He loved performing but performing his own music was even a bigger thrill. Kurt knew Blaine was torn about just going for it, hoping that he could work on his own musical and music ideas while hopefully making a name in either the music or theater business.

Either way, Kurt was proud of his boyfriend and excited to see how Blaine was thriving under his eyes. He didn’t even care how little time Blaine was able to spend with him and how often he was late. This would end sometime, sooner or later, and Blaine would be the happiest he had ever been and Kurt could be happy with him.

“Well, if that isn’t Kurt Hummel.” A voice called out and Kurt’s head jerked up.

Standing at his table was a tall man with light brown hair and green eyes. He was grinning at Kurt in a way that Kurt only could label as _suggestive_ , maybe a little cheeky. Kurt had no idea how he was.

The man didn’t wait for a response only took a chair and sat down across from him. Kurt looked closer and thought hard. A memory. A flash of recognition. The darkness of a club restroom. This man on his knees, his lips around Kurt’s cock…

“Sebastian?” Kurt asked hesitantly.

“Ah, so you do remember me. What a pleasant surprise.” Kurt didn’t like his tone. He also really didn’t want to have Blaine come in with Kurt having small talk with some random hookup from a million years ago.

“Yeah, I don’t tend to keep up with random hookups. I’m sorry.” Kurt tried to look apologetic, at the same time giving the other man the hint to get the fuck out but Sebastian stayed.

“Oh yeah, we totally agreed on that but I have to say when some “random hookup” of yours suddenly become your ex’s boyfriend, things change.” Kurt’s eyes widened.

  
“Excuse me?”

“Blaine Anderson. We used to go out in high school. First love, first kiss, first time and all… well at least his.”

Kurt wanted to slap him. Blaine and he hadn’t really talked about exboyfriends. He knew that Blaine hadn’t been in a serious relationship in forever and that some high school boyfriend who had been his first boyfriend had broken his heart.

“You really have some nerve to come up here and talk to me after what you did to Blaine?”

“What now?” Sebastian looked genuinely surprised, catching Kurt of guard.

“You know what I am talking about.” Kurt hissed and Sebastian just looked more confused.

“You broke Blaine’s heart and then you come up here and talk to me like we knew each other and like you hadn’t just been some faceless throat I decided to fuck one drunken night?” Kurt’s voice was venom. He didn’t even know what he was saying but this guy set him on edge and he wanted him gone and he wanted him gone now.

“Huh.” Sebastian huffed. “Well, now that is odd. Because I remember Blaine going to New York, moving in with his precious friends while I stayed behind. Well, now isn’t it curious how stories can change over time.”

Sebastian looked at Kurt challenging, like he wanted Kurt to dispute with him but as Kurt just stared daggers at him, Sebastian continued.

“You know you wouldn’t take Blaine for a heartbreaker but that doesn’t mean that he didn’t do a well enough job with mine.”

Kurt swallowed, unsure. He didn’t know what to say. Blaine hadn’t told him details. Just that they had broken up on bad terms when Blaine moved to New York. Would he find out what had happened?

“I mean, I’m pretty sure it was all rainbows and cupcakes in the beginning for you too, wasn’t it Kurt? Little bowtie wearing Blaine, sweet and adoring, swept you off your feet, telling you how much he loves you and being all gentle and understanding… it well end you know?”

  
Kurt’s eyes widened and Sebastian chuckled sadly.

“He will get tired of you. He will start slipping away. He will cancel on you. Giving excuses… oh he will be polite and sorry but you will just feel that he stops _caring_.”

Sebastian looked at Kurt’s already half drunken first coffee.

“Oh. It has already started. I am so sorry Kurt.” He didn’t sound sorry at all but that didn’t stop Kurt’s insides from burning.

Of course everything had been too good to be true. He had known that falling for someone was a bad idea. He had known that he wasn’t one to be happy. He had known that Blaine would notice that he wasn’t as awesome as he thought. He had known it would end.

Kurt felt tears prickle in his eyes but he didn’t want to cry in front of this dickhead.

“Tell me.” He said, not even recognizing his own voice. He sounded so defeated. He remembered that tone. He hadn’t sound like that in so long.

Kurt wasn’t even sure what he was asking for but Sebastian seemed to understand.

“When Blaine went to New York, I still had a year to go. I assumed he would want to make it work. When you are with Blaine… he just always gives you this vibe that you are his own and only, doesn’t he? But some days before he was scheduled to leave, he sat me down. He was so nice. Saying how gorgeous he thought me… what a great time we had and how nice I was.”

Sebastian chuckled. Kurt felt numb. From the little bits and pieces he had heard this boyfriend had been a jerk… someone who Blaine had given his all without getting anything in return. But this just sounded so much like _his_ Blaine.

“For a moment I thought he wanted to leave me with a promise or a ring or something and I was about to freak but no… He continued telling me that the spark just wasn’t there anymore. That sometimes you just ignore the difficulties but that both of us shouldn’t do that to ourselves. That I was amazing but with time love had passed and we should take him going away as an opportunity to find the real deal. I just nodded. I didn’t want any of that. But it sounded so reasonable and kind and like he just wanted my best… how could I have disputed that?”

Sebastian looked out of the window. He looked thoughtful. Kurt didn’t know what to say. His mind was racing. Would they end with a speech like that? Did Blaine in fact have time but he was preparing them for the end? “Setting Kurt free” rather sooner than later?

Only he wouldn’t. He would break Kurt’s heart. _Leaving_ him shattered, with less than he had had before because now Kurt knew what it was like to love and be loved back and that love like that could make everything else okay. Without that, without Blaine, his life would be miserable.

Then again: what kind of love was that when Blaine wasn’t genuine? When Blaine just kept going out of a weird sense of responsibility? When Kurt was just a burden to Blaine, only being kept around until the right moment to be disposed of.

No. Kurt Hummel was no one to be just _kept around._ If ending things was what Blaine wanted then this would be what Blaine got.

“Oh also,” Kurt’s head jerked to Sebastian again. He had nearly forgotten that he was even still there. “Like a month into our breakup, I couldn’t take it anymore and took the next flight to New York to surprise him. I found him making out with some guy in front of his apartment. I later got to know that it was just some random guy who had friended him on Facebook.” Sebastian sounded bitter. “I bet that wasn’t the first in New York. Maybe not even the first time he did it at all.”

In a second Kurt was out of his seat, grabbing his things, and out the door.

He didn’t turn to see Sebastian relax into his seat and let out an amused chuckle.

“Well, that was fun.” The man murmured to himself. For a moment he looked utterly heartbroken and remorse before his lips stretched into a grin again. “Yeah. Still got it.” He laughed again, shaking his head before getting a coffee.


	12. Almost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Almost  
> You got to me  
> That's not bad  
> Almost  
> I didn't get way  
> But here I go

Kurt didn’t know how much time he spent walking around the streets of New York. He just knew he couldn’t stop. His mind was racing and as soon as he tried to pause, as soon as he tried to sit, his thoughts caught up with him and threatened to drown him.

He needed to keep going. He needed to keep moving. As long as he didn’t stand still, the pain and panic that he felt weren’t able to leave him shaking and crying.

The anger had faded quickly and left room for pain and despair. Much like himself, his thoughts were running and still always coming back to the conclusion that he had known that it would end. Sebastian was right. Even way before Blaine had admitted to being in love with Kurt, Kurt had been afraid of him hurting Blaine or worse: Blaine getting tired of him.

Well it seemed, like the latter had come true now. Kurt wasn't even shocked. He was just... hurting.

He thought of Blaine. Sweet, adorable, loving Blaine and how it would be to not have him in his life anymore. The thought hurt so much. His life would be so empty, robbed of all its colors, back to the gray and neon of work and club lights. 

For a brief moment Kurt wondered, if Blaine was waiting for him in the coffee shop now, surprised that Kurt wasn't there or maybe even relieved that Kurt had bailed on him? No. Blaine was a lot of things but he wasn't mean.

And still, was it nice? Was it gentle to keep Kurt around waiting for the right moment? Was it the gentlemanly thing to do? And more importantly: what was Kurt supposed to do now? Should he just go home and call Blaine in the morning, knowing, anticipating, treasuring the time that Blaine would leave him?

Kurt stopped and shook his head. He felt a headache creeping up on him. No wonder with all the emotion and thoughts going berserk in his head.

He couldn't stay with Blaine. Doing that wasn't the gentle thing to do. It wasn't nice and it would in no universe help with his pain. And of Blaine doing that to him? That wasn't nice or gentle or thoughtful either.

On the contrary: it was cruel. Rather avoiding consequences than allowing another person their well deserved time of pain, morning and moving on.

Kurt couldn't believe that he had nearly given his heart to someone who would do that. Then again, Blaine probably thought he was being the nicest he could. Blaine always tried that.

Kurt chuckled. Tears clogging up his throat.

He wouldn't cry. He would give Blaine what he wanted but he would come out of it with his head held high. He was Kurt Hummel after all and he didn't need love or a man. He never had and this just showed him that he was better off alone.

As Kurt made his way back to his apartment, he talked himself into a frenzy, doing everything he could to not break down but go through with it. To be cold and untouchable when he let Blaine go even when all he wanted to do was clutch tight and never let go.

When he got his keys to his flat out, he was there. Vicious and mean. Ready to break a heart that wasn't his anymore.

“There you are! Where were you? We've been waiting.” A very agitated Blaine opened the door before Kurt even could put his keys in.

“You didn't answer your phone. We were about to start eating.”

Blaine pecked him on the lips and angrily Kurt noticed that he automatically kissed back. Before he could inquire further he was pulled into his flat and his living-room where quite a bunch of people where gathered. Finn and Rachel were quietly standing in a corner, holding hands and glasses, Wes and David were currently entertaining Brittany, unaware of the daggers Santana was staring at them. Mike and Tina where staring a couch talking animatedly with Jeff and Nick.

Right. That had been why they wanted to meet. Buy groceries for their dinner party. Kurt felt like kicking himself. How could he have forgotten? 

Blaine came to stand next to him, looking at him worriedly and Kurt wondered how much distress his face gave away. Quickly he scolded his face in a polite mask, even managing a small smile at Blaine. He didn't want to make a scene with all their friends present but as Blaine smiled back brightly, Kurt knowing the falseness of the motion, his heart clenched painfully.

This was going to be a long evening.

 

“We thought about California, well I thought about California. I would love to visit my brother and San Francisco must be such an interesting city.” Blaine chirped, Rachel to his left nodding fervently and going into a rant about how interesting L.A. was despite the lack of class and sophistication that New York offered. Blaine nodded and smiled at Kurt across the table.

“But Kurt wants to go up the coast to a small B&B, which of course would be way more romantic and even give us some of the Gilmore Girls charm that we both love so much.” Blaine leaned his chin on his hand still smiling at Kurt while Rachel giggled.

Around of them all their friends were getting along brilliantly, something that had just come to be some weeks ago, now that no one was afraid that either of the boys would hurt the other. 

Oh the irony Kurt thought, picking at this salad. It was like Blaine didn't have any other topic but them and it hurt. Every word from Blaine's lips hurt. It had started with Tina asking if Blaine had moved in, after she had spotted some of Blaine's furniture around the room. Blaine had been bubbly but had denied that smiling. Then their conversation had turned to recent activities, leading to a long story of Blaine and Kurt going out clubbing for the first time in weeks and what a disaster that had been and now. Vacation. It was true. They had started thinking about going on holidays together but now that as everyone else was tainted for Kurt.

“Did you hear Artie got engaged?” Mike suddenly asked and everyone began to shout all at once.

“What? When? To whom?” It rang from different people all at once and Tina just snickered, glad to be able to share important news like that.

“Do you remember Kitty?” 

“Hold on. That terrible little cheerleader bitch who tried to take Brit's spot as head cheerleader your senior year?” Santana snarled and Mike nodded.

“She wasn't too bad in the end.” Tina defended her. “After that thing with Marley she got sort of nice... and weird as it was she always good along super well with Artie. I think we were just so busy with other stuff that we didn't notice back then.” She looked at Brittany who nodded.

The exwarblers in the room though looked sort of out of the loop and Kurt just didn't have it in him to care. On any other day he would have been excited and bubbly by now. Discussing wedding places, dresses and maybe suggesting to Mike and Tina to rekindle their friendship with Artie and go on a group date but not this day.

“So I guess the big question then is who is getting hitched next?” Rachel squealed, glancing not so subtly at Finn who was either oblivious or still too traumatized of their last attempt to reconsider. Mike and Tina smiled at each other but it was Santana who spoke.

“Well, my money is on Ladylips and Lord Hobbington. You are already behaving like an old married couple. They should just make it official. Besides, didn't you always plan to tie the knot before you're 30? You're getting old.”

She rolled her eyes, only a twitch around her mouth indicating that her happiness for them was genuine. Blaine blushed and looked at Kurt from under his lashes.

“Well, gay marriage is legal in New York after all.” Blaine said, still looking at Kurt with a glint in his eyes.

And that's when Kurt snapped. It wasn't fair. Blaine couldn't pretend to be happy and in love and painting this bright and beautiful future for them when he would take it away from Kurt as soon as he could get out. It was wrong and cruel and Kurt felt his eyes stinging with tears as he looked back. In those eyes that he adored so much and at the man that he had wanted to give his all. That he had given his all to, still too afraid to admit to him how much of himself he had given to him. Kurt didn't know if he now regretted not ever telling Blaine how much he loved him. How long he had loved him now but then Sebastian's voice was in his head again and Kurt knew that he had to end it. As soon as possible.

“It's over.” The words had left his mouth before he even reconsidered them. Everyone around him kept talking but Blaine had heard him.

“What is over, baby?” Blaine asked, oblivious to Kurt's train of thought.

“We are.” Kurt's voice was calm. He didn't know how he could be so calm.

“Kurt?” Blaine asked unsure.

Kurt just shook his head, his eyes not leaving Blaine's.

“What are you talking about? Don't play games with me. This is not funny.” Blaine's voice had gotten louder, higher, shrill in a way that Kurt had never heard.

“I am not kidding. I knew from the start that this wouldn't work. We should end it before either of us waste more time on this.”

Blaine stood up trying to get to Kurt but Kurt stepped away from him.

“But why?” Blaine's eyes were watery, his voice quieter now, but still loud. At the brink of his conscience Kurt noticed that their friends had stopped talking.

“Like you don't know.” Kurt spat. Suddenly the anger was back. Why didn't Blaine just give in and have this over with. They could agree on being friends and be mature about it and say to call each other sometime of course to never actually do it but to be able to say that they ''split on good terms''.

Why did Blaine have to put this act on when all that Kurt wanted was them all gone and Blaine, too, so he could crawl into his bed and bath in the misery and heartbreak that he had been feeling all day?

“I don't know, Kurt. Please. Tell me what I did wrong.” Blaine pleaded, only fueling Kurt's anger.

“Stop that, Blaine. We both know that it was just a matter of time before you would have walked out on me now just leave me alone.” He empathized the last word and Blaine took a step back. 

He didn't talk back, but now tears were flowing freely down his cheeks. He looked utterly heartbroken and utterly beautiful. Kurt wanted to stretch out his arms and wrap him up and hug him and cuddle him and coo and tell him that it would be okay. Only it wouldn't. And that hurt more than anything.

“What is going on?” Someone at the table whispered.

“Blaine and I just broke up.” Kurt said loudly. Blaine flinched at the words, biting his lip like trying to suppress a whine or a sob.

“But why?” Someone else asked. Kurt couldn't bother to look who it had been.

“Because Blaine and I aren't for each other and I think Blaine knew that even longer than me. And before either of us can spend more time waiting for it to end I think it's only fair to end it now, right Blaine?”

Blaine shook his head fervently. In fact his whole body was shaking. Kurt heard a chair scratching over the floor and then Wes was at Blaine's side, trying to comfort him, trying to make him look at him but Blaine shook him off, still staring at Kurt. Pleading. Asking. Confusion. Heartbreak.

“Was that necessary?” David hissed, his eyes burning with silent rage.

Kurt just laughed. He felt hysteric. Everything was fucked up but it was done and it was done for the better.

“I really thought better of you.” Jeff stated now, placing a supportive hand on Blaine's shoulder.

“I didn't.” Wes snarled, coming to stand behind Blaine. “I knew it would just end with Blaine being broken. Again.”

At that Kurt had to laugh again, remembering Sebastian and his side of the story.

“Yeah because I'm totally dandy right now. I was so close to giving up my all. Everything I am and I have to give but it would have been for naught.”

“How can you be so mean?” David asked and Kurt was about to answer when someone beat him to it.

“Lay of him.” Santana snarled. She had gotten up to position herself next to Kurt, arms crossed.

“Exactly. Whatever is happening here, is none of your business. Kurt has his reasons.” Rachel chirped in, standing on Kurt's other side.

“Yeah, I guess best, if you guys just all left now.” Finn called out. He was staring daggers at all the Warbler men. Kurt could see David's jaw setting. For a moment Kurt thought they would just all leave quietly but then hell broke loose and Kurt couldn't even say how it had happened.

Everyone was yelling at each other. Kurt's friends against Blaine's. He could make out Santana yelling in Spanish and that Rachel's voice got higher and higher. He saw Mike looking angry at Wes and Tina poking at David fervently.

That wasn't what he had wanted. From one second to the other he couldn't make out his surroundings anymore. His view clouded with tears he hadn't felt coming.

He needed to get away. Nearly blind with tears he stumbled through his living-room, running into his bedroom and locking the door. He slid down the door and let his sobs take over.

Suddenly there was another voice, close to his ear on the other side of the door.

“Kurt, please talk to me.” Blaine pleaded and Kurt felt more tears rolling.

“Go away, Blaine. Please just... go away.” Kurt said. He tried to banish the quiver from his voice or at least control his breathing. But to no avail. The tears kept coming and the sobs kept shaking his frame.

“I can't Kurt. You are everything to me. I love you. Please don't send me away.” It hurt. It hurt so badly. Kurt thought he had already felt the pain that would come with this but hearing Blaine say this, ripped his heart out all over again.

“No, please don't Blaine. Just leave me alone.” He swallowed hard. “Please.” It was only a whimper but Blaine was silent on the other side.

It only lasted for a minute then Blaine spoke again.

“Give me one good reason to go and I will.”

“Because I thought I knew you when I didn't, Blaine. And it hurts. It hurts so much to know that you will leave me eventually, because you will. I know you will.”

“I won't! Kurt! I promise I won't! Never, would I leave you. Could I leave you. I can't even leave when you tell me to go away.”

Blaine sounded hopeful and Kurt just shook his head. Blaine wasn't hopeful. Blaine just didn't want it to end like this. That didn't change that he wanted it to end.

“I know you will, Blaine.”

“How can I convince you that I won't? Tell me what I need to do to make you believe me, Kurt. Please. I beg of you.”

Kurt let his forehead come to rest on his tugged up knees. He closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around him as best as he could. It was like he could still feel Blaine's sure grip around himself. Holding him close. Holding him together. Comfort for a time.

“There is nothing you can do. I can't believe you.”

“Then you will have to trust me. Kurt, please trust me. I love you. Trust me.”

“I can't Blaine. Please go. Please. Please, just go.”

“Kurt.” Blaine's voice was soft, still pleading and Kurt couldn't listen anymore.

“Go!” He yelled, louder than he would have thought possible.

The arguments in the living-room stopped. So did Blaine's pleading. There were quiet voices then a door opening. He could hear someone crying and someone yelling before a door felt shut.

“Kurt. Sweetie. Are you okay? Do you want to talk? Explain? Anything?” Rachel was talking to him through the door but Kurt didn't answer.

“Bro, really. Please open up.” Finn's voice.

“That was insane. I needs to know what's going on.” Santana.

Mike, Brittany and Tina everyone tried until Kurt couldn't tune them out anymore.

“Please leave.” Kurt whispered but he knew that they had heard him.

“I'll check in on him tomorrow.” He heard Rachel tell the others.

Then darkness surrounded him as he fell asleep on the floor. Tears still rolling down his cheeks.


	13. Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My life's in jepordy  
> I cannot live without  
> Try to be kind  
> Or I will not overcome  
> Do you have no heart?  
> Won't you return mine to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this is embaressing and I thank the lovely sould who reminded my of this story. A lot has happened since I last updated this. Glee was still on air and I was still an active follower of the fandom. That said I still love these two and only death will make me stop trying to write something for a story. So there will be 3 new chapters in the next couple of weeks. Unbelievable? Still true...

Blaine felt numb. There were things happening around him. His friends living their lives; the city buzzing like a beehive, filled with millions of voices, the world turning in the eternity of the universe bringing days and nights and days and all over again. There was so much living happening and all of it was passing him by while Blaine stayed in stasis.  
  
That evening, the only evening that mattered anymore, something had broken inside him. Blaine had cried and sobbed and screamed. He had gone back and forth between raging animal and crying toddler. He could not recall how his friends had handled him but when he had woken up the next morning, it had been in his own bed, feeling empty. The emptiness hadn't passed even though weeks had.  
  
He had tried to pretend to be okay for a while. He had left his room. Gone shopping, or out to meet friends. On several occasions he had even taken Wes’s hint about upcoming shows and attended auditions. It had been to no avail. No one was surprised. Despite the constant feeling of detachment that he felt towards the world around himself, Blaine was aware that he would not have hired himself either. All the passion, all the emotions, good and bad, strong and subtle, all the life was gone, sucked out and he was vaguely surprised that he could even stumble through the texts at his auditions.  
  
It was not something he could keep up for long though, shrugging it off when David had asked him where his drive was.  
  
Next, Blaine had started to decline invitations. First he just told his friends he didn’t feel like going out. When they started hanging out at his place more, in hopes to lure him out, he had started to either feign illness or avoid them by aimlessly wandering through the lit up nights of New York city, unseeing, unhearing and untouched by the commotion around him.  At one point his friends had staged an intervention and he had given him, mostly so that they would stop bugging. So he had tagged along on their outings, being there without being present.  
  
After a while he had stopped leaving his room at all, had started to live off of his roommates’ leftovers or whatever else he could find. He had showered, sometimes, and kept his room tidy. Then again, lying on one’s bed day and night didn’t produce much to be cleaned anyway.  
  
He slept a lot and when he did he dreamt. Sometimes beautiful fantasies about being happy again, being whole again, being with Kurt again. Other times horrible dreams and when he awoke, the reality was just as full of despair as his nightmares. He tried to not think then, let the numbness consume him to keep away the pain and let himself at least rest in peace.  
  
Sometimes he fleetingly wondered if he should not do something, anything, but he simply could not see the point of doing anything if he couldn't share it with Kurt. Kurt was his soulmate. His one and only and somehow he had hurt him. Blaine didn't know how or when but Kurt hadn't been cold or cruel or unfeeling when he had broken things off. He had been deeply hurt, believing that staying away from Blaine was what was best for him.

Blaine didn't know why Kurt believed that but all Blaine wanted for Kurt was for him to be happy. If that meant not being with Blaine, then that was what Blaine would give him. It was his luck that it seemed like he could only find happiness with Kurt. Either way Kurt came first.  
  
As the weeks dragged on, Wes suggested a little embarrassed that maybe Blaine should go back to driving his taxi because in the end there was still rent to pay.  
  
Blaine had nodded. He knew that _back when_ , he would have blushed and apologized but he had come to a point where he just didn't care that he was a pathetic burden to his friends.   
  
So he slept through the day and drove his cap at night. In contrast to _back when_ he didn't find the rides dull and boring. Instead he welcomed the mindlessness of driving through a dark yet somehow alive city.   
  
Once he had seen Kurt. It had again been through the window of Blaine's cab, reminiscent to the very first time he’d lain eyes on the love of his life.

This time it had been bright day and Kurt had been on the phone. He had laughed and turned his head in Blaine's direction, without seeing him. Blaine's chest had ached. Hurt. Hot and cold at the same time. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't cry. The agony of their separation welling up in him and consuming him in a way that only Kurt’s physical presence could do. Close but separated by an eternity.   
  
The pain had lasted for as long as Kurt had been insight. As soon as he turned a corner, the strong ache had gone back to the dull throbbing that had become a constant in his life.  
  
This night Blaine had realized something. He hadn’t simply closed himself off to pain and any other emotions, the morning after Kurt had broken up with him. It felt more like he was unable to even feel anything without Kurt being present. He had given his hurt to Kurt and now, with Kurt gone, so was his heart. Kurt was seemingly unaware what big a part of himself Blaine had left with him.

In the darkness of his room, something Blaine had always known came into sharp focus: he couldn't live without love. He didn't know how long he could survive without his heart but one day the numbness would overtake everything that was left of him and sniff him out like a candle without oxygen.

 

As the city outside of his room became alive with the dawn of a new day, Blaine couldn’t tell if he was fearing or yearning for that day.  
 


	14. Oblivion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oblivion is so easy to reach.

Blaine was throwing things around the room, left and right. Clothes, papers, books, everything was scattered over the floor, his desk and chair.

His bed was a different kind of mess with one prominent feature: Kurt. Pictures, letters, menus from restaurants, tickets to shows, concerts, movies. A couple of handmade bowties and two dried roses, one yellow, one red, all of it scattered over his duvet, lying on the pillows, filling up the whole space.

Blaine had though that he had felt all pain he was able to feel. That his heart had stayed with Kurt, leaving him with the vague phantom pain of losing that part of himself. He had been mistaken.

In an attempt to find food in his room he had come across his _Kurt box_ , a box he had filled with everything that reminded him of the love of his life the morning after things had ended between them. Right then and there he had known that he should simply put it away again, bury it deep and keep it out of sight. The temptation had been too strong.

It had been like opening the box of Pandora only that instead of all evils descending into the world, Blaine's world had been overtaken by emotions stronger than he had thought himself still capable of feeling. Blaine hadn't thought that he could long for the dull numbness but when the pain burnt his insides, when tears spilt over, strong and endless like on the first day, all he had wanted was to be indifferent, to forget. Forget Kurt or at least the pain that remembering him brought with it.

He had taken a long while to calm down. He couldn't say if it had been ten minutes or five hours until his breathing had evened out and his sobs subsided to a slight tremor but when they had, when he had regained control over his body an idea had stricken him.

If he hadn't been so out of his mind he would have realized what a stupid idea it was but in the moment it felt like the only thing to do.

All of that had let him to turning his room upside down, searching for the one thing that would grant him the numbness he craved. He opened a box in the back of his bottom drawer and squealed as he saw what he had been searching for. Carefully he took out the small object and sat down on his bed, between all the things that had brought him to this point.

He looked at the little paper roll for a long moment. Back in his freshman year of college he had tried weed once and decided that all kinds of smoke were gross. He also hadn't liked the feeling of disorientation consuming it had brought. It was exactly that feeling he longed to recreate now.

Jeff had brought him the joint to celebrate his graduation. Blaine had refrained back then but kept it anyways. For a short moment Blaine wondered if weed could actually go bad and expire but then decided to chance it.

Quickly he put on some candles and turned off the lights. He settled down on his bed, comfortable in his cushions and surrounded by the memory of Kurt and lit the joint.

The first drag was terrible and made him cough more than inhale anything. After that it got easier, the smoke and steam filling his nose and lunges and quietly but steadily he felt himself drifting off until he found himself in a state of pure content. Everything was bright and colorful, shining in the dim candlelight.

He giggled. He was being so romantic. Here with Kurt.

Blaine let his hand slide through the mass of photos grabbing them and throwing them in the air like cash in a cheap rap video. He giggled and fell back to his bed. He turned his head and there was Kurt's right next to him, beautiful.

"Hellooooo, baby," Blaine slurred and giggled. "You look beautiful tonight." He tried to stroke Kurt's face, to feel the soft skin under his fingertips but all that he felt was the surface of a photo.  
"Oh, really Kurt. You have gotten flat. Like not fat but flaaaat. Like you lost weight and lost a dimension, too." Blaine laughed rolling back to his back and pressing the photo to his face.

"You know what's also gotten flat? My voice. Now, there is something for you. Didn't see that coming, did you? Yeah. Me neither. You know why? Because I lack _heart_. You know why? Because it's still yours Kurt. All yours. Always yours."

He rubbed the photo over his face, like he could still get the essence of Kurt from it.

"Kurt." A sob. "I miss you so much. What did I do? Please let me come back." Nothing. "Well, it's really not nice, Kurt. You should talk to me. It's not polite to ignore people and you are polite. You were so fucking polite to break up with me in front of all our friends." Blaine sat up, looking around disorientated before flopping back down. "Like a scene from a movie. Like really people don't do that to people for real. Stuff like that only happens in movies. But is this a romantic comedy or a tragedy? Because I really want to know if there can be a happy ending for us."

Another giggle escaped him.

"You know what would be cool? If this was a superhero movie. I could be your damsel in distress and you would have to save me from my evil twin that got me to be emotionless and poison myself with... stuff... smoke. Grass. You know? And you would be so strong and save me. Just come and save me. Please? Kurt?"

Why was it so hot and bright? Was it the heating? Was it the sun? Was he outside? Being in a park with Kurt would be nice. Bathing in the warm glow of the sun.

_Blaine. You need to get up._

A soft voice was calling out to him. A familiar voice. Heard so many times he could never forget its tone.

“Kurt?” Blaine opened his eyes and peaked up. In front of his bed stood Kurt. Though it wasn’t really Kurt, though it sort of was.

Kurt seemed to glow, dressed in all black and white, his blue eyes piercing brighter than Blaine had ever seen them. He also look a bit blurry around the edges, like his shape wasn’t clear but fuzzy, nearly transparent.

“Kurt.” Blaine smiled dopily. “I called and you came, Kurt. Come here.” Blaine reached out his hand towards Kurt, but Kurt didn’t take it.

“You need to get up Blaine.” Kurt repeated, still smiling his voice staying calm.

“But why? My bed is soft, my head is fuzzy and the air is warm. I like it here. Also, why should I go with you, Kurt? You sent me away. Why did you send me away?”

Blaine closed his eyes. He was so sleepy. So exhausted and his lunges hurt. Breathing was hard. He should just sleep. He startled when he felt hands on his shoulders. Kurt was leaning over him.

“Because you hurt me, Blaine. Now come on get up.”

“Don’t want to, Kurt. Sleepy, Kurt. I don’t know how I hurt you Kurt.” Blaine mumbled but the hands shook him.

“I don’t know either Blaine but you need to get up!” Kurt screamed now. He was loud but there was no urgency in his voice. How weird.

Suddenly, Blaine felt the hands moving around his body and then he was lifted off the bed.

He squealed but as he took in too much air he coughed hard. His lunges. Why did they hurt so badly?

He clung to the man carrying him, unable to resist, feeling comfort in the strong arms. He tried to get a nose full of Kurt but all he could smell was smoke, mixed with something biting that made him crinkle his nose.

Blaine’s eyes were still closed so more that he saw the change he felt it. Suddenly, the air around him was cold and clear. He was put down on something soft and nice. Before he lost consciousness he heard a siren through the opened window. 

* * *

 

When Blaine blinked open his eyes again he felt so weak. Disorientated he blinked at a white ceiling, his mind sluggishly providing him with the knowledge that he was nowhere familiar. Trying to speak all he managed was a broken croaked noise.

Immediately there were people at his side. He blinked again, trying to make sense of the blurry frames above him.

“Blaine.” That was David, sounding terribly worried. Blaine couldn’t remember why he would be. “Blaine, if you understand me, squeeze my hand.”

He felt his right hand taken and squeezed lightly. The relieved sigh his friend released was barely audible above the peeping that registered loudly in Blaine’s ears.

“Okay, I’m guessing that you are disorientated so just listen and stay calm. You are safe, okay?”

Blaine squeezed David’s hand, closing his eyes again. They hurt, feeling dry and heavy.

“There was a fire in our flat. No, it’s okay. Nothing too bad happened.” David quickly assured Blaine as the younger man’s eyes flew open. “When Wes and I came hope we smelled smoke and we quickly checked your room. It seems like you… kicked over a candle which then fell onto a pile of clothes and paper and set fire to your closet. Wes ran to the bathroom and got a bucket full of water. The fire wasn’t too big yet, so he got it under control in a matter of seconds but you…”

David swallowed hard. “You didn’t want to move and you kept talking to me like I was Kurt, making no attempt as to get up or let me help you get up. In the end I had to carry you out of there. You had inhaled too much smoke and mixed with”, a cautious pause, “Other substances you had consumed it… it was a really bad mix.”

“Wes had already called an ambulance and they were there really quickly. You had just fallen unconscious but they got you back fairly quickly. You were lucky. So fucking lucky, man.” Blaine could hear David’s voice shaking on the last part. For a moment silence filled the room and Blaine contemplated if he should say something. He felt horrible. Guilty, ashamed, stupid. His throat still hurt and he wasn’t sure what to say but to apologize a million times for doing this to his friends. David beat him to it though as he continues, voice steady once more. “I did an internship here a while back and some of the doctors I am friends. They agreed to be discreet over what had been in your body besides smoke, especially as I said we wouldn’t contact our assurance over the fire damage. So don’t worry about anything but being okay, alright?”

Blaine blinked away tears. More shame and a huge wave of gratitude hitting his still sluggish mind. Why had he lit candles of all things? Why had he lit anything? Why had he gotten high? That wasn’t him. He didn’t do things like that. He was responsible and keen on having his life together.

“So srry.” He crocked out finally and David shook his head, squeezing his hand reassuringly.

“It’s okay, Blaine. Well, it’s not but we are just so glad that nothing worse happened. I just wish I could understand. You haven’t been yourself for weeks, months even and I miss my best friend.”

Tears were rolling down his face now and with a sad smile David wiped them away with his tumb. “Hey, nothing of that. You need to get better and back on your feet, okay?”

Blaine nodded, offering his friend a watery smile. It was his first smile in weeks.

“Okay, you don’t fall asleep again, alright? I am going to call in the nurse. Should have done that straight away. And I need to contact Wes, Nick and Jeff. Also, your parents and Cooper. You were only out for a couple of hours. As I said, it could have been way more serious, but I need to inform them anyway.”

Blaine nodded, cursing himself internally for causing so much inconvenience. 

* * *

 

Blaine had to stay at the hospital overnight and for the next day. As David had predicted, his smoke poisoning could have been way more serious. He sported a terrible headache and had vomited some but he could still breath alright and had not been intubated. Something for which is was extremely grateful.

Nick, Jeff, Wes and David all came to pick him up and bring him home.

His friends settled down in the living-room and let him inspect the damage done to his room. Wes had cleaned up a little but the damage was still obvious.

On his closet was a dark scorch. He noticed books missing and also clothes. Probably those that had been burnt. His carpet had been taken from the room. Probably destroyed first by fire than water.

Gratefully he found that most of his Kurt things hadn’t been damaged. Scattered on the bed they had escaped most harm though it seemed like Wes had thrown them into their box rather unloving.

Surprised, Blaine realized that looking at the things still hurt but didn’t bring the same biting and life consuming pain he had experience just 24 hours prior. What he really felt was sadness and a huge bit of melancholy.

Maybe near death experiences really did bring perspective to one’s life because of one thing he was sure: he wanted to _live_. And more than ever he didn’t just want to exist or worse vegetate he wanted to really _live_. The realization surprised him, literally knocking him off his feet and he sank down on his bed shakily.

The question he had to contemplate was how did he want to live. Blaine had had plans once upon a time. Grand dreams of Broadway, art and stardom. Thinking of these dreams now, they did not hold the same feverish appeal they once had but wanting to do something, make something, realize it and leave it in this world as an eternal part of himself. That still held a deep appeal. In this moment stronger than it ever had.

He remembered the high and smoke induced vision he had had and smiled. He wouldn’t go after Kurt. His feelings hadn’t changed but he would let Kurt live his life wherever he was. This was about Blaine and using the life he had been given to in some way find happiness, as much as he could without Kurt.

His gaze drifted to the box once more. The photo he had kissed was lying on top. Next to it was a book about the history of musicals and its genre development that Kurt had given him as one of his graduation gifts. Kurt had told him back then that he expected to find a paragraph about Blaine in it, in ten to twenty years and winked. Blaine had blushed but had been honored by the confidence and trust Kurt had put into his talent.

Eyes wandering around his partly destroyed room, they landed on his guitar. A sigh of relief left him when he noticed that it hadn’t been touched by the fire at all. He got up, grabbed it and set back down. It was dusty and untuned by weeks of disuse.

Experimentally, he let his fingers pull the strings and unintentionally he found himself playing a melody he had written for Kurt. Again it stung but it didn’t burn.

He let his mind wander, he played, he thought, until somehow something that should have been so obvious settled into place. 

His eyes wide, his guitar still in hand he got up. He owed four amazing men an apology. 

* * *

 

“So what you are saying is that you want to write a musical about your love for Kurt?” Nick asked baffled.

“Basically yes but also no but sort of totally.” Blaine was excited. He had all these ideas! They just kept coming and it was exhilarating! There were melodies and stories and memories in his head and they all wanted to be put down on paper. He had yet to lose the grip around his guitar.

“And you really think that this is a good idea? Thinking about Kurt doesn’t seem to be the best idea, regarding current events.” Jeff remarked cautiously.

“I’m with Jeff on that one. You sort of nearly died because you thought about Kurt, Blaine.” Wes sounded stern and Blaine had to suppress the urge to role his eyes.

“It wasn’t thinking about Kurt that nearly killed me. It was stupidity and a joint that nearly killed me and both are things I intend to stay away from, don’t worry.”

“But…” Wes tried but David silenced him.

“Let him explain first. Come on, guys. He hasn’t been that… talkative in forever. 

Blaine gave David a thankful smile and tried again.

“I know I have been acting strange lately and I am sorry for the worry or stress that put on you. I was in a really bad place and I still am now but what changed is that I didn’t know how to deal with what had happened but I think I do now.”

“And your way of dealing with it is to go into ‘don’t-even-try-to-talk-to-me-I’m-being-creative-mode’, while thinking about your ex nonstop?” Nick still sounded vary.

“No, those days are behind me. Thanks to Kurt.” Blaine sighed, gathering up all the cogency he could find in himself. “Look, I know how it ended was pretty much the worst way possible and the last weeks were the darkest ones of my life but I still love Kurt. Simple as that. I don’t think I will ever stop. I think I hurt him. I don’t know how but I’m sorry and I won’t go after him. But that doesn’t make what he had less sacred. Kurt brought out the best in me. Of course him leaving would bring out the worst but I want to put my creativity and talent into celebrating the strength he gave me. Can you understand that?”

Four pairs of eyes exchanged looks before they went back to Blaine and gave some halfhearted nods.

“Thank you. Of course I don’t want to simply tell my life on stage but I want to catch the essence of what made Kurt so special to me and how he made me better. I…” Blaine took a deep breath needing to find the right words to convey what he felt, the right words to make his friends understand. “When I was high last night, I had a sort of vision. I want to use that. That and the melodies I have in my head since the first time I saw him and also the real things that happened and especially the development I was able to do because of him… but also the way I helped him, because I still want to believe I have.”

More nodding. Blaine felt his heart lighten.

“So what’s the musical about then? Like in detail…” Jeff questioned and Blaine smiled.

“Okay, so there is this young man in New York city. He is lonely, despite his amazing friends. He studies but he doesn’t know where he is going. The only thing that brings him happiness in his life is the vision he has at night: an angel, he calls him, a creature of pure beauty and kindness that visits him in his dreams. It’s the only thing that brings him through his day. His world is turned upside down though when one night he meets the angel and gets to know that the man, as special as he might be, has his own demons to fight…” 

* * *

 

When Blaine sat down at his laptop hours later, his guitar and keyboard close, paper and pen at hand, he reveled in the memory of his friends hanging on his lips as he lay out the story in his head.

He took a deep breath, opened a new document and began to write.


	15. Heart Beat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you search for yourself,  
> Listen to your heart beating.

The woman on the other end of the phone laughed and Kurt had to grin.

“It's really happening, isn't it?” Kurt asked, awe evident in his voice.

“You bet it is, sweetie.” The woman laughed again and with a friendly goodbye both hung up.

Kurt pocketed his phone and took a deep breath as he continued on his way home. He still couldn't believe that this was happening that finally he was going places. And maybe with that he would be able to move on.

* * *

 

Later that night found him comfortably snuggled up on Rachel's couch in the apartment she shared with Finn. The TV was on, some bravo show playing in the background, while the two friends were chatting, glasses of sparkling wine in hand.

“I still can't believe that you actually got that position.” Rachel exclaimed now, bouncing up and down a little where she was sitting close to Kurt.

“I know! Me neither. I mean I waited so long. I still expect to wake up at any moment.”

“You deserve it. All of it, Kurt!” Rachel tackle hugged him, not for the first time that evening. Rachel's hugs tended to be enthusiastic and bone crushing and Kurt appreciated that but in the moment he was more concerned for the glasses both were still holding.

“Rachel. Breathing. Glasses.” He coughed out and Rachel pulled back, grinning sheepishly.

“Well, I love you a lot. Get over it.” She winked and put down her glass on the couch table.

Both slouched back, silence enveloping them as they continued to watch TV. Kurt's gaze drifted around the room. Before Blaine this place had been his second home. When he hadn't been able to take the silence and loneliness of his own place he had come over with a bottle of wine and made his best friend and brother keep him company. The room was filled with dear memories, familiar and warm. Homey even. Kurt felt his throat tighten and his stomach clench. When he had taken the position he had felt nothing but excitement and hope but now as the date was drawing so close he wasn't so sure anymore.

With a small smile he tugged a streak of long brown hair back behind Rachel's ear. She looked at him vary.

“Okay, why the sad face.?” she inquired.

“I'm not sad. Well, maybe I am... a bit. It's just...,” he trailed off, “I am just going to miss you guys a lot.”

Rachel cooed and took his hand into hers.

“We are going to visit you so much! And vice versa! Like all the time you are going to get sick of us! We’ll come when Finn has holidays from school or I'll come alone in between shows! And you are welcome to come here and crash here anytime you want. Even when we're out of town and you just want to visit the city and our friends you can always come here, Kurt. This will be your home. We will be your home if you want it.”

She sounded choked up now and it was Kurt's time to coo.

Rachel wasn't always the most observant or altruistic friend but more importantly she had always been 100% supportive of him and his dreams. She had always believed in him and his talent, suffered when he had suffered and Kurt knew that she was probably the person that basked in his success the most next to him because as she stressed whenever possible “She had always known that Kurt would make it big.”

He appreciated that now more than ever.

“Thanks, Rach. That means a lot.” Both laughed a little shakily. “But you're not going to propose to sing a duet about our feelings now, are you because I’d be so there and would just join in.”

Kurt grinned and Rachel giggled.

“Now, maybe not. I need to preserve my vocal cords. I have rehearsal all day tomorrow. I feel more like snuggling anyway.”

They both fell back into the pillows and kept their hands together, as they made comments about the shows and people while eating the greasiest and most delicious pizza in all of New York.

“Where is Finn anyway?”

“Parents’ evening and I think some of the other teachers asked to go for a drink after to complain about all the annoying parents. I am actually really down with that because like that I don't have to listen to his rants.”

Kurt snickered.

“But he told me he wouldn't miss the chance to see you before you take off so don't worry.”

Kurt nodded and went back to staring at the TV. He didn't notice that Rachel was observing him closely.

“There is more, isn't there? Spit it out.”

Kurt closed his eyes for a moment, debating with himself if he should be honest or just lie and focus on his new start. Rachel squeezed his hand reassuringly and the words were out.

“I miss Blaine.” There he had said it. Six months of silence, avoiding the topic and pretending he was fine and with those three words his facade fell.

“I miss him so much and I have no right to miss him.” He didn't cry. He had cried all tears that he could cry this first night.

“Oh honey,” Rachel said sympathetically, “of course you can miss him.”

“But I broke up with him,” Kurt disputed and Rachel shook his head.

“Do you remember when I broke up with Finn freshman year of college?” Kurt laughed humorlessly.

“You mean the time when you broke up with my brother to be with a prostitute? Yeah, no, don't think I can ever forget.”

“I didn't know he was a prostitute at the time and you thought he was hot as well but that's not the point.” Rachel clutched her hands together and sat up straight, looking at Kurt directly. “The point is that I broke up with him but I didn't stop loving him and missed him a lot. I still think that breaking up with Finn was the right thing to do. He had ignored me for months and was so adamant about knowing better what was good for me than I did myself. He did it out of a place of caring and love but he had to realize that I needed his support more than his opinions sometimes and that he had to let me live the way that I chose.”

Rachel smiled sadly. “I also think that the record speaks for itself. I mean they took Nationals with him being a TA to Mr. Schue that year and when he came to New York nearly a year after we had ended things, I still loved him but we were in so much of a better place to be with each other and not only love but also respect each other as the adults we had become.”

She smiled brightly but then her face fell. “I did it again, didn't I? I made it about myself but I just wanted to illustrate that you can break up with someone and still miss them a lot.”

Kurt nodded and averted his eyes.

“As we are already speaking about it: why don't you finally tell me why exactly you broke up? Because the only answer I got for the last six months is “it didn't work out” and I'm still not buying that crap. You were so happy with Blaine and I'd say that breaking up with him was the right thing if you were happier than before only you don't seem to be?”

Kurt shook his head and took a deep breath.

“He wanted to break up with me so I beat him to the punch. Simple as that.”

“He... what?” Rachel was obviously surprised but Kurt just shrugged.

“But... how?” It really didn't happen often that Rachel was lost for words and Kurt would have patted his back for getting her there if he hadn't felt as defeated as he did.

“How what?” He questioned like he didn't know what she was asking for.

“How did you know that he would? Like, did he tell you or did you speak to one of his friends or overheard him talking to one of them...” She stopped then clasped her hand over his mouth. “Did you read his diary?”

Kurt leaned back into the couch and looked at everything but Rachel.

“That day, I ran into his ex-boyfriend. He had given me a blow job like way before I even knew Blaine, but he started talking with me about Blaine and yeah...” He trailed off, not really sure how to explain what Sebastian had told him.

“So, you break up with him because of something that his ex had told you? Was it that bad? Was he hiding stuff from you?” She gasped. “Did he cheat on you?”

“No, of course he didn't,” Kurt said petulant, “and no, he wasn't exactly hiding stuff from me. Well, except for his intention to break up with me.”

“Then did he tell his ex that he would break up with you? What kinda person does that?” Now Rachel sounded seriously angry.

“No, Rachel listen, I just knew he would break up with me, okay?” Kurt could see that Rachel's anger was quickly becoming annoyance due to his lack of making sense. He wasn't exactly relaxed either. Couldn't she just understand?

“Then how did you know, Kurt? How could you possibly know because last time I checked you didn't have the ability to read minds.”

“I just knew okay? I knew from the start that he would break up with me someday. I wasn't surprised, okay? I expected it and when the day came I was just faster. It hurt enough already... I really didn't have to wait until he got to break my heart on his terms. Jeez.”

Rachel was quiet now then she spoke in a very calm voice, sympathy in every word.

“But Kurt why did you think that?”

“Oh, come on, Rachel. We both know that I am not end game material. I am not like you and Finn or Tina and Mike, okay? Guys get tiered of me. At one point they realize that what I can give them is not worth the drama or bitchyness or whatever else. I am what you call high maintenance and as it seems giving my all in return isn't enough.” His voice broke on the last word. He rubbed at his eyes to stop them from leaking.

“That's why I'm so good at one night stands, okay? They don't realize that I am work and not only fun and I don't get attached so I don't have to deal with fucking regret or questioning everything about myself. I knew from the start that there was a 90% possibility that 1. I'd either hurt Blaine or 2. he would get sick of me. Well, I did put one into action because 2. would have happened anyways.”

Suddenly there were arms around him. Rachel held him close, not in her bone crushing way like before but comforting. She kneeled beside him and pressed Kurt's head to her chest, while pressing soft kissed to his forehead and hair.

“You are worth every trouble, Kurt. And there will be a guy who sees that and whom you can spoil with all the love you have to give. I believe that. I trust in that so much.” She sounded choked up but her words were indeed comfort for him. Getting out all that had bothered him the last months felt liberating.

“Did you ever see him after… you know?”

Kurt shook his head against her chest and she immediately hugged him closer, before releasing him, first whipping her tears off and then with a small giggle his as well.

“Can I be straight with you?” Kurt rolled his eyes but motioned a go ahead with his hand.

“The night you broke up with him, in front of all of us, I just thought that he had done something really wrong and hurt you really badly and you had found out. I also thought that Blaine was really, really sorry. He just seemed so very broken… Like you didn't see all of it or didn't want to but I thought he'd just die on the spot. Like a heroine in some old Greek drama, lounging himself off the balcony or grabbing a knife and stabbing himself.” Kurt's eyes widened and Rachel quickly moved on.

“Never mind. As you two didn't get back together, I figured that whatever he had done was so bad that you couldn't forgive him or just didn't want to. We all talked about it and wondered because I mean really we just thought that Blaine was it for you but we didn't want to pry, both because you were so hurt that night and after that so adamant about moving on. But Kurt from what you have told me now... maybe if you ever got the chance you should consider talking things out because I guess you never did. Closure you know, because you don't seem like you have that yet.”

She smiled shyly at him, like she was afraid of his reaction. Kurt swallowed hard. He had wanted to talk to Blaine, to yell at him, to demand answers so many times over the last months, he couldn’t deny it. He had also never really considered that even though Blaine had wanted to end things, that Kurt might have hurt him in the way he had done it. It had been the heat of the moment and he had probably been unfair to Blaine. At least Blaine would have tried to be gentle about it. Kurt had just been plain spiteful!

“Maybe. Then again, I might never see him again. I guess this change in my life should be seen as my closure.” Kurt looked off into the distance until a giggle fell from his lips.

“What?” Rachel asked, smiling confused.

“That just sounded like a line from an Austen movie. Like I’m getting married off or joining a convent and so I should forget this one true love of mine.” His breath caught when he realized what he had just said and Rachel was so courteous as to not mention it. She just laughed commenting that Kurt could never join a convent because he could never get out of bed that early or pull of the clothes.

“I could pull anything off,” he disputed and laughed again. It felt good. He’d miss it.

“I think it’s time I get going,” Kurt mused when their laughter had died out and Rachel nodded. With a couple of swipes on her Iphone and a “done”, she leaned back.

“Isn’t it sort of awful that everything works via apps these days?” Rachel thought out loud, playing with a strand of her hair. She cuddled back against Kurt’s chest.

“I take every opportunity I can get to save myself and someone else from an unnecessary conversation.”

“But doesn’t that make the world so much colder and impersonal.” Kurt rolled his eyes. “You just like to hear yourself talk,” he chided lovingly and Rachel snorted.

“Yeah, maybe.” Her phone beeped. “The taxi’s here already. That was quick.”

She didn’t move though and Kurt gently pushed her off him. “Come on, old girl I need to catch my ride.”

“I don’t want you to go.” Kurt stood up and put his boots and coat on, Rachel following him with a pout.

“It’s endearing, sweetie but please stop that or I’ll cry and don’t go and I’ll blame you for not going and that kind of guilt is something our friendship just couldn’t take.”

“You’re right… it’s just… take care, Kurt. And when you ever go to see a show be a fucking New Yorker and find it less awesome than Broadway!”

Kurt laughed, as his stomach tightening uncomfortably and hugged his best friend.

“And now get out!” Rachel nearly pushed him out and closed the door quickly. Kurt couldn’t even say goodbye but as he heard the little sob from the other side of the door he figured it might be better this way.

Rachel, Finn, his life and friends here were still on his mind when he opened the backdoor of the waiting taxi and got in.

He mumbled his address to the driver and leaned back. He only turned his head to the front when the cab didn’t move.

“Blaine?” He exclaimed breathlessly. It couldn’t be though obviously it totally could. There in the driver’s seat of some New York uber, was the man he had just told his best friend, he’d never see again.

“Hi, Kurt.” Blaine sounded calm. Anyone but Kurt would have missed the light waver of agitation in his voice. For a moment they just stared at each other.

“Maybe I should…” Kurt was about to grab for the door handle but Blaine called out to him before he was able to push the door open.

“Wait. It’s late. I don’t want you to have to wait around outside. I’ll just take you home… I mean only if you can stomach the drive with me.” He ended in a fake, nervous laugh that made Kurt's insides curl. How had they ended up like this? So uncomfortable, stepping around on already broken glass, trying their best not to cut themselves deeper as they moved around each other.

“No, it’s alright. Thank you.” Kurt smiled a smile that was as fake as Blaine's laugh had been before he slumped back into his seat.

In the driver's mirror Kurt noticed Blaine closing his eyes for a moment. His lips were slightly parted and his forehead creased. He looked distraught, tried, the street lightening only deepening the circles under his eyes. It was over before Kurt could fully study Blaine's expression. Blaine opened his eyes, looked left and set the car into drive.

Kurt kept looking at Blaine. He couldn't bring himself to stop. The other man seemed to be adamant to not look back at him, focusing on the road. Part of Kurt's mind was still mulling over what Rachel had told him. Was this his chance to make things right? To get answers and maybe give some? In the end it wouldn't matter. When the sun would rise the next time over the Hudson river he would leave this life behind... and still. Maybe it would be a better fresh start with all lose ends tied up.

“How are you, Blaine?” he found himself asking. In the front seat Blaine visibly tensed.

“I'm fine,” he answered. Blaine's voice was higher than usual and it sounded too much like the “I'm fines” Kurt had been throwing around a lot lately.

Kurt just hummed in agreement and stayed silent for a moment. They were stopping at a red light.

“Kurt?” Blaine's voice was barely a whisper. “I am sorry if I ever hurt you. I never meant to and I wish you would have explained so I could have made it up to you.”

Blaine's eyes were shining in the faint light coming in from the streets of New York. Pleading eyes, familiar and still so different from how Kurt remembered them. All Kurt found himself able to do was nod.

Blaine's apology hit Kurt off guard. He believed that Blaine hadn't meant to hurt him. Blaine wasn't a cruel person. He knew that. But what could he have possibly wanted to make up to Kurt?

Rachel's voice didn't leave his head. How did you know, Kurt? He needed to know. At least now. He needed to hear Blaine's side and yeah, maybe he also needed to justify his actions. Blaine wasn’t behaving like someone who was having one of those awkward run-ins with an ex. He was emotional and as far as Kurt could tell, he tried desperately to hold it together with Kurt in his backseat. If there was anything that Blaine wanted to tell him but was too afraid to say, then Kurt would give him the opportunity to speak his mind. This time, anyway.

They stopped in front of Kurt's apartment building.

“How much?” Kurt asked but Blaine shook his head.

“Just leave it. The ride's on me.” He could see the corners of Blaine's mouth twitch like he was about to smile. It tugged at Kurt's heart, remembering how easily it used to come to Blaine to smile in his presence.

“I... thank you, Blaine.” Kurt's hand was on the door but he didn't leave.

After a moment Blaine turned his head lightly too look at him.

“Was there anything else?”

Why was this so hard? This question was the perfect invitation. He missed Blaine. He wanted to talk to Blaine: to question, to explain, to find out. He needed closure because as it was, he still loved Blaine. He did and it didn't feel like he could ever move on if he didn't hear from Blaine, that they were over. That Blaine had wanted to end things and that it was better for both of them. It would hurt. Oh god, would it hurt but he could leave the pain behind like he would leave this life. And he also needed to apologize because as much as he tried to ignore it, Blaine was a good guy and he hadn't deserved the breakup Kurt had given him.

“Would you like to come up and... catch up?”

Blaine seemed reluctant for a moment then a cautious little smile lightened up his face.

“I'd love to.”

Kurt opened the door and went upstairs, Blaine behind him. He let them both into his flat and then they just stood there, in Kurt’s living room, awkwardly avoiding each other’s eyes.

“Ahm, would you like something to drink?” Blaine shook his head but Kurt mumbled something about being thirsty and hurried into the kitchen anyway.

When he was surrounded by cold steel and clean tabletops, Kurt took another deep breath. Maybe this had been a terrible idea but even if so Blaine was mere meters away from him now. Quickly Kurt cooled his face with some water from the sink, to waken himself up and wash away the buzz the wine had left, before heading back into the living-room.

“Let's sit?” he proposed and Blaine came closer, sitting down next to him but an arm’s length away.

There was another moment of silence before Kurt spoke again.

“So what have you been up to? I thought your taxi driver days were behind you.” It was meant to come out as teasing but as Blaine's face fell a little he cursed himself. Anything could have happened in Blaine’s life. He shouldn't make fun of him.

“I... I was in a bad place for some time and my cab seemed to be a good possibility to still make ends meet.” He shrugged, averting his eyes a little. “But I started writing again.”

“That's fantastic,” Kurt thrilled, maybe a little too enthusiastic, as his hand automatically shot out to squeeze Blaine's thigh. Both of them stared at Kurt's hand for a moment before Kurt pulled it back slowly, lowering it to the couch. “I mean... that's great. What are you writing?”, Kurt stammered, his hand clenching the couch’s fabric. It was like he could still feel the warmth and subtle strength of Blaine's muscles tensing under his touch.

Blaine looked up at Kurt's words. His hands were neatly folded in his lap, like he needed to hold on to himself, but his gaze was directly focused on Kurt.

“I finally started with my musical.” He smiled, the excited gleam in his eyes that Kurt was used to seeing, returning a little. “It's about a lonely man that gets these sort of dreams about an unearthly creature, a ghost or angel you could say, beautiful as nothing could be on this planet. The presence of this angel helps him to deal with his life but one lonely evening in the big city he meets his angel and he is nothing like he thought he would be and at the same time so much more. He learns that every angel has their demons and tries to help him. They fall in love. They are happy. But there is always something coming between lovers, isn't there?”

Kurt felt his heart beat fast and his throat tighten. The meaning in Blaine's words and his eyes was indisputable. This was about Kurt.

“Blaine, please don't,” Kurt choked out and Blaine looked away.

“I have to,” Blaine whispered. “I am sorry I hurt you. It was never ever intentional and I wish I would have had the chance to make it right. Even if you don't want to hear it or you don't believe me, I love you. Still. I don't think I'll ever stop.”

Kurt was confused. He was overwhelmed. This wasn't how this was supposed to go. Blaine would tell him that they wouldn't have worked out, that Kurt only did what he had been intending to do and this last little glimmer of hope that was buried and burning deep inside of him would die.

“But then why did you want to break up with me?” Kurt breathed. He could feel the tears coming. God he had cried way too much in the last hours.

“Why would I break up with you?” Blaine looked generously surprised, offended even.

“Because... well, why would you want to stay with me?” The tears were there now, evident and wet on his cheeks and hesitantly Blaine reached across to wipe them away. The warmth of Blaine's fingers on his cheek made his skin tingle and Kurt took in a shaky breath at the familiar but nearly forgotten sensation.

“Kurt, I love you. I would never have... I, please don't tell me that you broke up with me because you thought I didn't want to be with you.”

Kurt just nodded and closed his eyes. Suddenly there were arms around him and he fell into them. He still didn't understand completely but he had craved Blaine's arms wrapped around him for so long, it was easy to fall.

“Kurt, I didn't stop loving you. I never did. I never will. I want to be with you. Always. And I'm sorry if I ever gave you reason to doubt that but please, please believe me that you are the one for me.”

“I... just... Sebastian... and he said... and I thought and... I'm such a terrible person... and I knew you wouldn't want to stay with me forever and so I just figured...” He was stopped by lips on his. Warm, dry, delicious lips that molded with his like they hadn't been a day apart.

Kurt kissed back, heat he had missed warming his body. His hands framed Blaine's face, while the other man's arms were still wrapped tightly around him.

“God, Blaine. I missed you so much. I'm sorry,” Kurt mumbled between kisses and every time their lips reconnected it became more and more heated. They knew that they still wanted each other. That they had missed each other and that they wanted to be together. Everything else was just detail, unimportant in this moment of joy and reconciliation.

Without meaning to Kurt found himself lying under Blaine, a welcomed and missed weight, pressing him down into the couch.

Blaine was kissing down his neck, nibbling at the sensitive skin and sucking at his pulse point. A bite. A wet and warm tongue. Kurt moaned, neck stretching back, baring his throat even more. With a fresh flare of heat Kurt realized that Blaine was marking him, taking him back and showing the world that they belonged together.

Kurt moaned and buried his hands deeper into the loose curls in Blaine's neck, holding Blaine's mouth close to his skin as Blaine continued to suck, kiss, bite again and again. Kurt's toes were curling. Cold air was cooling his skin where Blaine had left a wet trail of bite marks, making him shiver nearly as much as Blaine ministrations themselves.

He could feel himself growing hard already, the sensations being enough to let his of touch starved body light up with arousal. Another strong suck at his neck and Blaine's broad hands squeezing at his waist before traveling lower. When Blaine's hands found his ass, cupping the round cheeks, Kurt couldn't help himself. He bucked up, rubbing his sadly clothed cock against Blaine's hip only increasing the force with which Blaine devoured his neck.

Kurt was beyond conscious thought already. All that he knew was that he had longed for Blaine and that he wanted, no, needed him – needed to feel him. Showing both of them just how much they belonged to each other.

“Bedroom. Now.” A flash of recognition and suddenly Kurt was reminded of their first night together. Blaine seemed to have a similar association as he smiled and pecked Kurt's lips again before pulling the man up with him and letting Kurt lead them to his bedroom.

Their shoes came of first, then their shirts and a moment later Blaine was lying on his back, Kurt on top of him. Kurt took a moment to admire the view. Blaine was as beautiful as ever, glowing eyes, his strong jaw line and wonderful curls. And still, Kurt could see the changes the months apart had left. Blaine looked a little thinner, his skin paler with faint shadows under his eyes. His chest wasn't waxed and after a moment of consideration Kurt realized that he actually didn't mind, raking his fingers through the dark hair.

But more importantly he was still the man that Kurt loved more than anything else in the world. Time hadn't changed that. Separation hadn't changed that.

All the while Blaine was staring up at him, anticipating, waiting for Kurt to make the next move.

Hesitantly, Kurt leaned down, his hands slowly moving up from Blaine's naked chest to his neck and jaw, framing it. They were eye to eye, their lips so close Kurt could feel Blaine's ragged breath. For a moment Kurt just stared into Blaine's eyes, his thumb gently caressing the other man's cheek.

“I love you, Blaine,” Kurt said, his voice loud in the room that was silent safe for their heavy breathing. Blaine's eyes widened and with a small smile Kurt just nodded making the other man grin wider than Kurt had ever seen him grin before.

In that moment all hesitance was gone. Blaine surged forward again to kiss Kurt. Pliant under the forceful press of lips Kurt opened his mouth, inviting. Blaine's tongue swept behind Kurt's teeth before, stroking every last corner of Kurt's mouth. It was like Blaine was trying to rediscover every centimeter of Kurt's body, inside and out and Kurt moaned low in his throat, vivid images of Blaine getting familiar again with all that was Kurt, flooding his mind.

Blaine had pulled him down completely, their chests touching and rubbing against each other as they continued their heavy make out. When Blaine rolled his hips up, Kurt gasped as Blaine's movement and the fabric gave him heavenly friction for his still very prominent erection.

But Kurt wanted more than just to get off with Blaine. His own needs were subordinate in that moment when all he wanted was to pleasure and show Blaine his love in every aspect. Kurt let his lips wander down, kissing along Blaine's jaw and chest, grazing a nipple as he trailed further and further down Blaine's body. Above him every new kiss, caress and bite brought out a new gasp or moaned Kurt.

When Kurt reached Blaine's waistband, he made quick work of the fabric, tugging down both jeans and underwear and freeing Blaine's erection. The sight had his mouth water. For a moment he nuzzled his face against Blaine's pelvis, just taking in the strong and familiar scent of Blaine before he looked up at Blaine and took him in his mouth.

Blaine moaned, closing his eyes as he threw his head back.

Blaine was heavy on his tongue, the taste of precome salty and bitter in his mouth and still he felt starved for it. He bobbed his head up and down, only stopping to lap at the head and dip the tip of his tongue into the slit of Blaine's cock, watching as the man above him trashed.

It only took a couple of minutes for the hand that had found its way into Kurt's hair tugged him back and off.

“Stop, Kurt,” Blaine rasped. “Don't want to come yet... want you... want you to make love to me.” It was hard to extinguish but Kurt could see a blush darken Blaine's already red cheeks. A new sort of heat flared through his body, making his cock strain uncomfortably against his zipper. Blaine had never bottomed with him before and the possibility of him doing it now was exhilarating.

“Yeah, of course,” Kurt said, throat suddenly dry, as he crawled up the bed to kiss Blaine and get condoms and lube.

From there it didn't take long for Kurt to prep the other man. Blaine was tight around his fingers but he worked himself fast and hard, needy and not able to wait much longer. As Kurt grazed his prostate Blaine basically sobbed out a high pitched keen, so loud and desperate that Kurt paused for a moment, staring at Blaine in awe.

“If I had known that you'd react like that I would have suggested that forever ago,” Kurt murmured under his breath and again he could see Blaine blushing.

“I just figured that you liked bottoming so much and I wanted to give you what you wanted...” Kurt smiled, moving his fingers a little and cutting Blaine's words of as he had to let out a gasp.

“No, more of that in the future. We have a problem - we talk. We feel bad – we talk. We want something – we talk. Okay?” Blaine didn't answer, his face scrunched up in pleasure.

“Okay, Blaine?“ Kurt asked again, leaning down, driving his fingers deeper into Blaine's ass while his lips caught Blaine's earlobe.

“Yes,” Blaine practically yelled, then quieter, “can we discuss this when we're done?”

Kurt grinned wickedly. “Whatever you say.” And his fingers were moving again, driving in and out of Blaine's hole, altering in speed and rhythm, sometimes hard and fast, pressing against Blaine's prostate with every move, then gentle and slow, stretching and scissoring Blaine until he was an incoherent mess, twisting on the sheets.

“Please, Kurt. Please now,” Blaine begged and Kurt couldn't hold back anymore. His erection had been straining in his boxers for what felt like forever and getting rid of his jeans had only eased the strain momentarily.

Quickly he took of his boxers and grabbed a condom only to be stilled by Blaine's hand on his wrist.

“Can we not?” Blaine asked in a timid voice, “I just want to feel you. All of you.” Kurt felt his cock twitch at the possibility, yearning to be surrounded by the tight heat of Blaine, no barrier in the way. “I mean I didn't... I haven't... with anyone I mean and we were tested before and I mean unless...?”

Blaine ended his statement like a question and looked up at Kurt as if he didn't really want to hear the answer.

“There is no unless,” Kurt murmured, tangling one of his hands into Blaine's hair and pulling him up into another kiss. The thought of neither of them having had slept with anyone despite being broken up gave Kurt a feeling of comfort he hadn't known he needed.

As they broke the kiss, Blaine's lips were shining with saliva, pupils blown and Kurt couldn't wait any longer. Quickly he leaned back against the headboard and as Blaine only looked at him in confusion, Kurt pulled him up.

“Come here,” Kurt whispered, “I want to feel as much of you as possible.”

Blaine understood, wrapping his arms around Kurt's neck as he positioned himself, knees on either side of Kurt, and started to lower himself on Kurt's cock. A groan escaped both of them as the head of Kurt's cock stretched Blaine's rim and then even louder as Blaine sank down lower and lower, slowly to get used to the blunt pressure.

As Kurt was fully bottomed out, they paused for a moment, foreheads pressed against each other. Experimentally, Kurt rolled his hips and Blaine's breathe hitched.

The slow rolling quickly turned faster and harder and soon Kurt was fucking up into Blaine for all he was worth. Blaine moaned and whimpered above him, his hips meeting Kurt every time Kurt fucked up into him.

Kurt had wrapped his arms around Blaine's waist, keeping them close and up, while their mouths lost and found each other over and over again, to kiss and nibble and sometimes just to pant into each other.

Kurt could already feel the hot coil in his gut, increasing every time that the tight heat of Blaine's ass squeezed around him or another broken moan reached his ear. Blaine's cock was trapped between their bellies, gaining friction with every movement.

Above him, Blaine was an incoherent mess, babbling and moaning without consideration, having lost any filter the moment Kurt had started fucking into him full force.

“God, Kurt, missed your cock so much. You've any idea how much I dreamed about you fucking me? Tried not to, Kurt.” A whimper as Kurt hit Blaine's prostate perfectly. “But couldn't not. My dreams were all yours.” A moan and Blaine's thighs tensed on either side of Kurt's hips. “Of your cock in my mouth, or fucking into me, you coming all over me.” This time it was Kurt who couldn't stop the whimper. “You only you. Being with you. Always.” Blaine sounded raspy and in the moment Kurt knew that Blaine meant more than having sex. His arms tightened around Blaine and he pressed a gentle kiss to Blaine's cheek, a sharp contrast to the way that Kurt was still fucking into Blaine relentlessly and hard.

Blaine's orgasm caught Kurt by surprise. One moment Blaine was grabbing Kurt's hair, and burying his face into Kurt's neck and the next he seized up, ropes and ropes of white pearly fluid smearing both their chests. Blaine moaned low and loud in his throat all through his orgasm, that didn't seem to end and Kurt stopped for a moment just admiring the sight of the man in his lap.

Kurt couldn't stay unmoving for long though. Blaine's hole was spasming around him, generating moan after moan from him until he bucked his hips up again. Half a dozen pushes later and Kurt was coming, too. He clutched Blaine close, as he rode out his orgasm, filling Blaine up with his cum, while the other man lazily stroked his back and sides.

As Kurt was spent, he fell back against the headboard. Blaine still tangled in his arms. It was intimate and beautiful.

“Kurt?” Blaine whispered into their post orgasm silence. “Can we maybe move and cuddle? It's getting sort of... sticky.” Kurt snorted but carefully slid out of Blaine. With a flush he noticed how his come instantly started to dribble out of Blaine's stretched hole.

“I am gonna get a towel,” he mumbled, face still hot as he headed for the bathroom.

As the bathroom door closed behind him, he took a deep breath and leaned back. He needed to process what had just happened. He had just slept with Blaine. Blaine who he still loved and who loved him. Blaine who Kurt would have to leave in the morning despite all of this. After all, you don't just cancel on your dream job the night before you are supposed to start. Kurt swallowed hard.

They could make it work right? They had to make it work. God, what if Blaine didn't want to make it work? Kurt shook his head vehemently until the doubt made place for a faint dizziness. No, this kind of thinking had made him leave Blaine the last time. This time he would try to fight. He only hoped that Blaine would, too.

As he returned to the bedroom with a towel and a wet washcloth Blaine was spread out on his bed, glorious in his nudity and awaiting Kurt's return with a dazzling smile.

“Come here,” he said, opening his arms wide for Kurt to join him. Kurt only shook his head, laughing at the pout that was Blaine's answer.

“I'm just gonna clean you up. Patience, honey.”

Kurt let the cloth run over Blaine's body, cleaning away all traces of their reunion, stroking over his chest and lower over his now flaccid penis, balls and ass.

“God, I missed you,” Kurt murmured not noticing that he had said that out loud.

“Are you talking to my dick, Kurt?” Blaine teased and Kurt's head snapped up.

“No, I mean, yes, that too but I was talking about you. I-I missed you.” He could feel a blush creeping up. Seriously, Blaine was the only guy in years that made him so flustered. Blaine simply laughed again and opened his arms.

“Come here now, please?” he asked hopefully and Kurt fell into his arms, letting himself be spooned.

Blaine's arms wrapped around him, their legs tangled and Blaine's breathe faintly tickling his neck.

“I missed you, too,” Blaine whispered, pressing small kisses to Kurt's neck. “Every day and every night. There were times missing you was the only thing I did. I can't believe that you are back in my arms.”

He sounded so wondrous and amazed it sent pain into Kurt's heart. The thought of leaving hurt when all he really wanted was stay. Stay with Blaine. But what could he do? His plane was set for 9pm. Monday morning he would go to work, his first workday in London. There was no way Blaine would wake up beside him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next one will take a while again as I have not mapped it out yet as I had the others. Hopefully not two years tho. I wanna get a check mark on this one though so let's stay positive here.


	16. Winter - Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If I leave will you be awaiting my return   
> If you will please tell me now  
> Without you there is no light in my heart  
> But it wants to shine

Kurt woke slowly the next morning. He blinked his eyes open revelling in the warmth that he was pillowed upon, solid, hard and still comfortable. A smile spread over his face, his body already ahead of cognitive thought in its reaction.

He cuddled closer, his arms wrapping around the person's waist as he tangled their legs together. A happy sigh fell from his lips, a comforting and well known scent filling his nose as he pressed his face further to the other man's chest.

Kurt couldn’t tell how much time had passed before he dosed off again, when his alarm blared, waking him from his lazy slumber. Quickly he reached out for his phone, thanking the universe that he had dropped trousers and pants pretty close to the headboard. Turning the shrill sound off he cursed both the low battery and the fact that he had to get up. 

Blaine, the heaviest sleeper, apart from Finn, that Kurt knew had only groaned in annoyance, turned further into the pillow and continued snoring slightly. Kurt couldn’t help the goofy grin that stole itself onto his face at the picture. He quickly pressed a kiss into Blaine’s messy curls and slipped out of the bedroom.

In the bathroom he took a quick shower, brushed his teeth and did his skin routine while ignoring the messages on his phone that had accumulated overnight. He really couldn’t care in that moment, Blaine’s words and their lovemaking playing on repeat in his mind like the most romantic porno he had ever seen. Getting ready was a blur. So was packing the final belongings from his bathroom into his travel case.

Entering the kitchen and prepping the coffee maker, Kurt glanced at the clock on the microwave. He had hours before he needed to go to the airport.

The sensation of being hit by a bucket of ice water overcame him and lifted the hazy blur of his pre- and post-coital love confessions. While he had hoped to find closure in talking to Blaine, what he had gotten was a rekindling of their relationship and now, not twelve hours later, he was getting ready to leave the country for good. And if not for the rest of his life, definitely for a couple of years. At least that had been what he had hoped, what he had wanted. What he still wanted…

The quiet scuffing of the bare feet of a tired person interrupted his anxiety attack. Blaine had entered the kitchen, just in boxer briefs and with a sleepy but radiant smile on his face.

“Morning, Kurt,” he said tentatively, like he was still not certain (p) that they were fine, that last night had really happened and that he could, with all confidence, just go up to Kurt and kiss him good morning.

In response Kurt mustered up a smile, if less radiant himself and stretched his hand out. It was happily taken and Blaine shuffled closer, pressing a chaste, slow kiss onto Kurt’s mouth before leaning into him. “I love you for getting the coffee ready,” Blaine mumbled into Kurt’s neck and even that inconspicuous statement chocked Kurt up. 

“Well neither of us is really good at being human before a shower and a giant cup of it, so this is at least 60% self-interest,” Kurt joked. Part of him wanted to envelop Blaine so close in his arms, as to never let him go. Another part that was getting stronger which each second – he could feel Blaine’s heart beat against his chest – needed space and room to think.

“I showered already. Coffee will be another couple of minutes, so how about you go wake up a bit?” Blaine chuckled into his neck and slowly moved away, giving Kurt a last big smile as he left the kitchen.

When Kurt heard the shower being turned on he felt both as if he could finally breathe and as if Blaine had taken all the oxygen with him. 

The coffee maker beeped and Kurt quickly fixed himself a cup and a second one for Blaine. He went into the living room, carefully leaned against the dining table and slowly gazed around the room, sipping his coffee. 

The flat was nearly empty. Most of the furniture was still there but anything that had made this place his home was gone. Pictures, books, nick-nacks and the stuff just lying around that showed that a place was lived in were all missing.

Kurt wasn’t surprised that Blaine hadn’t noticed the night before, with the lights being dim and their minds so focused on each other, but in the broad light of a new day, the change that was to come was apparent in everything in the apartment.

With every sip, Kurt became more awake, focused and anxious at the same time. It wasn’t so much about what Kurt decided to do, but what Blaine wanted. For Kurt two things were clear: He loved Blaine and wanted to be with him and he was moving to London. He was going to move to London six hours from then. It was the opportunity of his life, a way to finally move forward with his career and he would not risk it because of a romantic whim. He couldn’t give it up. He might regret that but he would see this through.

He also wanted to be with Blaine. And if not physically be at his side so at least bonded by the promise of a relationship. He wanted to leave New York being Blaine’s boyfriend and with the promise that Blaine would wait.

But would he? Could he ask Blaine to wait for him for an indefinite period of time? Kurt knew he would but after everything they had been through that might be one step too far. He would have closure then, but he’d rather have hope.

He would miss Blaine. Would miss him so much. Not in an abstract, melancholy way that was born from betrayal and loneliness, but the burning pain of being separated from someone who wants to be with you as much as you do. But missing Blaine was better than losing him.

When Blaine entered the living room his curls were still a bit wet and his smile as sunny as it had been all morning. With another small kiss he happily took the coffee from Kurt.

“So, last night…,” he finally started with a sheepish grin when it became apparent that Kurt wasn’t going to talk first.

“Yeah, last night,” Kurt agreed and reached out to take Blaine’s free hand. He squeezed lightly and then pressed the back of Blaine’s hand swiftly to his lips before letting go.

“We have to talk,” Kurt said a little too loudly. Blaine’s smile didn’t disappear but it lost a little of its radiance and he nodded quickly.

When Kurt opened his mouth he was suddenly lost for words. He tried again, looked at Blaine’s expectant eyes where he could see anxiety growing with each second he remained silent. Still, he didn’t even know where to start. He shook his head, trying to just get it out and rip it off like a band aid, when Blaine spoke.

“Last night, it doesn’t have to mean anything. I mean…” Blaine’s voice, quiet to begin with, broke off and Kurt was overpowered by the sudden need to hold him close. He had hurt Blaine so much. It was apparent in everything before him. He had been loved by this beautiful person and Kurt had broken a part of him. And he was still breaking it. Putting pieces back together only to jostle them once again.

“It means everything,” he finally whispered “but Blaine, I’m leaving New York. I’m leaving today. I don’t know when I’ll come back.”

There it was. Hope, tentative and already damaged, hurt and love. Fear, uncertainty. So many emotions, good and bad, mixing together in this one moment. Kurt could see the instant Blaine took his first proper look around the apartment. He could see the astonishment, both at Kurt’s confession and his own obliviousness.

“Oh,” was all he vocalised after a couple of seconds. The grip on his coffee cup had become stronger, his hand slightly shaking. Kurt pressed his lips together. So many thoughts wanted to break out but he had the feeling that Blaine needed space to process, to think.

“Oh.” The second time it sounded different. Less surprised and more like a realisation had hit him. “Well, I guess that means that it’s really ov–” 

Not able to let Blaine finish that thought, Kurt interrupted him, this time not suppressing his need to touch him.

“In itself it doesn’t mean anything, except that I’m leaving. Last night we said we would talk. We wouldn’t assume and just… just let us talk about this, please, Blaine.” Kurt’s hand was framing Blaine’s face, trying to get him to look at him, to not shy away.

“I want to be with you. If I can’t be here,” he stumbled over his own words, “I still want to be yours. I want to make this work. I know it will be worth it. You are worth it. I let my own fear and insecurities get in the way of being with you once. I will never do that again.”

When he was finished all Kurt could hear was the rapid beating of his heart and the sounds of traffic down on the street. When Blaine’s hand came up to wrap around his wrist, he could feel relief like heat rushing through his body.

“When do you have to leave?” Blaine asked and Kurt immediately scrambled to get his phone out of his pocket.

“The flight leaves at 8:30. I should be there two hours earlier I guess, so there’s still most of the day to kill.” Kurt tried to smile and it mostly worked. Blaine nodded.

“I’ll drive you to the airport later… Till then let’s talk. I want to know all about this move and about how you’ve been.” There was a smile on his face again. Not radiant as it had been before, but open, willing to try. This wasn’t a yes. Kurt didn’t feel like he was allowed to expect one. He had left. He was now presenting Blaine with a painful choice to make in a span of hours. They could talk. And Kurt could still hope.

“Alright. Let’s get breakfast.”


	17. You stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Embrace you and farewell  
> No matter where you’ll wander, I’m letting you go  
> And stay (behind)

Blaine assessed the living room arrangement. It had worked for a long time. Really well at that and yet.

He sighed quietly and face-palmed loudly right at the moment that David unlocked the apartment door and walked in. “Do I even want to know why you just did that?” he asked, looking pained. Blaine just shook his head. 

“I am asking anyway: What even, dude?” He hung up his keys and dropped his bag on the counter before wandering over to where Blaine was still standing in the middle of the living room. David looked around like he was trying to gauge what had elicited that action in his friend. When Blaine remained silent, he nudged him lightly with his shoulder.

“Fine. I’m just trying to think of a way to rearrange the living room.” David’s eyebrows shot up at that. “Pray tell me, why does our living room need rearranging?” 

“I don’t know. It’s just time. Feels like it does,” Blaine grumbled, not looking directly at David.

“Well, bro, I’m not feeling it so you might wanna elaborate.” When Blaine still didn’t say much more, something slotted into place in David’s perception.

“Didn’t you just rearrange your room and reorganize all our kitchen cupboards?” Blaine shrugged then nodded. “Okay, what’s with all the nervous energy? I cannot recall you getting so frantic since like your college applications.” Blaine shrugged again but didn’t offer anything further. David kept staring at him and as he expected it didn’t take long for Blaine to crumble under his disapproving stop-with-the-bullshit gaze.

“It’s about Kurt,” Blaine admitted, tiredly musing his hair before dropping on the couch, “I kinda... accused him of cheating on me.”

“He did what now?” David went from mild confusion to burning outrage in the span of a second, towering over Blaine, who kept averting his gaze.

“I didn’t say he cheated on me. I said I accused him.” David looked at him in bewilderment. Blaine sounded tired but David was too focused on the matter at hand to pay attention to that.“You don’t just go around accusing your partners of stuff. What happened?”

“Honestly? I just saw a picture on Instagram of him and another guy, at a party, having fun, on the other side of the world. That was all it took. Kurt wasn’t even the one who posted it.”

“Yeah but like what were they doing? Like making out or something?”

“No, David. The dude just had his arm loosely around Kurt’s shoulders because they were laughing. You and I have been more intimate. Hell, I am sure there are more pictures of me and you hugging on Facebook than there are of Kurt and me kissing.” Blaine slouched further into the couch and David finally calmed down enough to sit down beside him. “Then why did you think that?”

Blaine’s eyes were suddenly blazing from anger. “Because my boyfriend literally moved to a different continent the day we got back together and now he is living a life of fashion and parties and meets new exciting ridiculously attractive, probably queer, men every day and- and-”, Blaine’s breath came ragged, the words tumbling out of his mouth, “all that bubbled up and my insecurities and jealousy got the better of me. That’s it. I am stupid. I hate all of this and it’s not fucking fair.” The last bit was more of a sob than a hiss. Instinctively David reached out and pulled Blaine into his side. 

“See?” Blaine laughed-sobbed. “This is more intimate than what I saw in the damn picture.”

Both of them fell silent, lost in their own thoughts for a moment, until David asked how Blaine had confronted him.

“We skyped the day I saw the picture. I didn’t even ask about it. I was just all self-righteously passive-aggressive while he...”, Blaine paused, struggling to find the right words, “ He just chatted. About work and people and I just sat there, mhh-ing until he noticed and asked what was wrong with me. He sounded worried and I just… I fucking flipped.” Blaine sounded incredulous, like he still couldn’t fathom what had transpired that afternoon. “He just stared at me, David. Eyes wide, mouth agape and then he started laughing and told me that this was ridiculous which made me even madder and I don’t even know what I said but in the end he asked me if I didn’t trust him and the thing is I do but in that moment I needed to hurt him and I said Apparently not and I was so close to bringing his past into it. You know? Sleeping with people like he used to? And that has never in my life been an issue for me but I know it would hurt him and I didn’t say it but in that moment I wanted to… I wanted to… “ Blaine choked on his words once more until the words broke out of him as if he could not contain them anymore. “ I wanted to hurt him badly and he just looked at me so sadly and said he needed to calm down and think and that he loved me and ended the call. And right when he was gone I knew it was all my fault. That it was all me who was feeling insecure and made shit up and was awful about it but I also couldn’t like, call back and talk to him because I am angry. I am angry he’s not here and I feel so petty and oh god David stop me from talking…” 

Blaine buried his mouth against David’s shoulder to muffle himself, leaving David a moment to process what he had just heard.

“Honestly, all in all, this sounds like you’re struggling a lot with the long distance thing. Why did you even agree to that in the first place?”

“Beause I ove im,” Blaine mumbled into David’s shoulder. 

“Come again?” David moved his shoulder lightly, dislodging Blaine from his spot who then moved away to lean heavily against the headrest. “Because I love him.”  
“Yeah, but is that enough? Don’t just say yes. Really think about that. Being with someone you love should make you happier than you were before. For the last couple of weeks you have seemed kinda miserable. Not post-breakup kinda miserable but still miserable. Long distance isn’t for everyone. Maybe you need to consider that it’s not for you either.”

David clasped him on the shoulder before getting up and going to the counter. Picking up his bag he said: “Find me when you wanna talk. I need to catch up on some much needed sleep. Nothing worse than the night shift.”

Blaine’s eyes followed David as he got himself a glass of water before disappearing into his room. The click of the door shutting startled Blaine out of his concentrated contemplation. His gaze wandered around the room but he didn’t feel like rearranging the it anymore. He curled into himself on the couch and with a flick of his finger on his phone turned on the music in the room.

He had made a playlist with a lot of melancholy pop ballads when Kurt had left for England. The sounds were comforting, wrapping him into the sad and longing sounds of Adele and Florence and the Machine. Being way past the point of feeling pathetic, he wallowed in his own misery, missing Kurt and trying not to think about how little Kurt was probably missing him, with all the things he had going for him.

David’s words wouldn’t leave his head though, interrupting the by now well-practiced, routine of self-pity and longing.

When he had waved Kurt off at the airport he had desperately been trying to smile and grin at Kurt, constantly looking back until he had finally disappeared through security, but inside Blaine had felt nothing but desperation. Blaine hadn’t been able to fathom the hand fate had dealt him. He had basically found and lost Kurt all over again in the span of less than 24 hours. 

The day they had spent together had been amazing. It had been shy and tentative. They were stepping around each other on egg shells, but still there was this undeniably familiarity that came when lives intertwined like theirs had, as well as the unfaltering pull that had connected them from the first time they had met. It always reminded Blaine too much of something someone would say about actors but they simply had chemistry.

When Kurt had announced that he was leaving on that gut-wrenching morning, something that had just started to put itself back together again had been shattered inside Blaine. He wasn’t delusional. He knew how hard Kurt breaking up with him had hit him. But he had gotten better. Maybe he had even started to get over Kurt. He knew he could if he wanted to. Being faced with the possibility of not having to... Of course he jumped into it, head first.

Taking that night and day as a sort of closure had never occurred to him. It still seemed absurd. Why would he pass on the opportunity to get back the thing that he was missing desperately, especially after the confusion and miscommunication had been cleared up and their breakup had turned out to be so outrageously unnecessary. 

If Blaine was really honest with himself, the fixation he had developed for Kurt that first time he had seen him had never gone away. It had simply been sated by being with him and nearly destroyed him when being cast away. That he didn’t mind that much was probably more romanticising something unhealthy than actually being a romantic.

Getting beyond that would probably take years of therapy and he didn’t really want them if they would untrain him from loving Kurt. Because Kurt was an amazing human, who had been disappointed by the world and deserved all the happiness. His name was engraved on Blaine’s heart and while he wanted as much happiness for himself as he wanted for Kurt, he desperately wanted them to find it together.

For now that meant to lie there on the couch and miss Kurt, but also to not begrudge Kurt the first professional success and happiness in his life. Blaine would make this thing work because he needed it to and he would shine in the shadow of Kurt’s bliss. 

Long distance isn’t for everyone. David’s words swirled around in his head. Was it really that? Sure, not being close to Kurt was hard but was it that in itself that was bothering him? He had told David that he was angry at Kurt for leaving and on a level that was true as well. On a logical level though he knew that Kurt hadn’t planned it and that if they had stayed together Kurt would not have confronted him with an ultimatum but would have made it a conversation with a mutual decision.

In the background the music was playing on. Lost in thought Blaine mumbled along to the lyrics, “I'll forever be whatever you want me to be. I'd go under and all over for your clarity. When you wonder if I'm gonna lose my way home - just remember that come whatever I'll be yours all along.”

Was that him? Being hopelessly devoted to his lover? To Kurt? It did not sound very self fulfilling. It did definitely not feel like it was, in that moment. How long would he be supposed to wait for it to become that way? 

What really bugged him was that Kurt was gone indefinitely. If they had been together they would have made plans, weighed options about the how and when to reunite. As far as it went that topic hadn’t come up yet beyond vacations and visiting. Blaine needed a perspective though. He needed the feeling of working towards something. Waiting for something, and not just waiting around. 

The thought hit Blaine like a lightning bolt and had him up on his feet in seconds. He did not want to be hopelessly devoted to anyone. It was only romantic on the surface. It was mostly pathetic and he did not want to be a drag for Kurt nor stand in his own way to find happiness outside of their relationship. He wanted to be equals with Kurt and not just the adjunct of his luminance. 

Blaine was done sitting around. Months ago he had been on track to find his creative voice again and to shape the vision of what he really wanted to do with his life. In the turbulence of getting back with Kurt, he had been backsliding. He shouldn’t and he had no one to blame but himself. Once he would know where he was going, Kurt and he could work on finding middle ground and a place to build a life upon. Together. For real this time and so they could share their devotion to each other on equal footing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are getting close to the end. I am hoping in the end this fic will have taken less than five years to finish. I am not proud of that time frame but still thankful for all of you who have stuck with me during that time. Maybe even since the beginning...


End file.
